


Boy Disease

by ElvenSorceress



Category: High School Musical (Movies)
Genre: Background Het, Canon Character of Color, Coming Out, F/M, Female Character of Color, Het and Slash, High School, Interracial Relationship, M/M, Male Character of Color, Male Slash, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-16
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 72,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElvenSorceress/pseuds/ElvenSorceress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation in the locker room leads Chad to a realization. One he intends to do something about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something's Not Right

It was so laughably cliché that Chad could barely believe it was even happening. And yet Zeke still wouldn’t shut the hell up. 

“Did you know she kisses like,” a dreamy look crossed his face and rubbed his hands over his jersey. “Like she’s on fire. She’s just wild.” He laughed, “She’s a wildcat.”

Chad’s eyebrows narrowed and he gave Zeke a pained expression, worrying that it truly was hopeless for his poor friend.

Troy chuckled and tugged his jersey off and over his head. “Anything for school spirit?”

Jason tilted his head. “Kissing Zeke is school spirit?”

“Gah!” Chad smacked his hand on his face and scrubbed his eyes. “I’m never going to be able to do the team chant. Ever. Again. Ugh.”

Shirtless, Zeke put his hands on his hands on his hips. “And what’s wrong with me?”

“Yeah,” Troy smirked and pulled on his t-shirt. “What’s wrong with Zeke?”

“Not. My type. Soooo not my type,” Chad answered, then pointed accusingly. “Besides, the man is disgustingly in love with Miss Evans,” he spat.

“Oh! Did you know her hair smells like vanilla? And her lips taste like brown sugar and caramel. And-”

“Enough already about the Ice Princess!” Chad turned back to his locker and seriously contemplated banging his head on it. 

Zeke practically cackled. “Oh, she ain’t no Ice Princess.”

“Really?” Jason asked after pulling off his shoes. “Have you done... stuff?”

“Dude!” Chad thwacked Jason on the shoulder. “What are you doing?”

Confused, Jason looked over at a snickering Troy. 

“Since when are you a prude?” the team captain laughed. 

“I’m not! But if I have to hear again about Sharpay blowing him, I’m gonna heave my dinner before we even have it.”

Jason’s head snapped toward Zeke. “She gave you a blowjob!? How? When? Was it good?”

Chad groaned and again slapped his hand on his face. “Shit.”

Zeke turned to Jason excitedly. “Yeah, man, it was awesome. And I got to blow her, too,” he grinned, sticking out his tongue.

Shuddering, Chad made a move to go smack some sense into Zeke, but Troy intercepted him and, sort of, changed the subject. “Gabriella and I have only kissed. Her mom kept walking in when we watched movies at her house last weekend. Or dad would yell at me every few minutes when she came over to my house the week before that.”

Chad huffed and figured Gabriella was some sort of improvement over Sharpay. 

“Hmm,” Jason said, actually looking thoughtful. “Kels and I have gone to second base,” he smiled at first, but then stopped and looked confused. “Wait, that’s groping, right?”

Chad rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but, no more talk about bases either.”

“You have a problem with baseball, now?” Troy looked at him strangely, then quickly said, “No, wait. We were talking about Jason.”

Jason looked around at his teammates. “I don’t have anything else. Me and Kelsi haven’t done much.”

“What about you, Chad?” Zeke grinned expectantly. “How far have you gone with Taylor?”

Chad thought, then guessed that is where he went wrong because he had no idea how to answer. He hadn’t kissed Taylor. He hadn’t done anything with Taylor other than share food. And they had talked, but that wasn't something to brag about. 

Should he make something up? Should he tell them the truth? That not only had they gotten nowhere, but that he hadn’t even really thought about trying to?

As soon as Chad realized this, he was terrified. What the hell did that say about him? That he had the hottest girl in school and he hadn’t even tried to kiss her? In, like, the ten months that they’d been together? Something must be seriously, seriously wrong with him. 

Fortunately for him, Troy stepped in. “I think you’ve traumatized him too much for any disclosure.”

The boys laughed and finished changing back into their street clothes.

Chad faced his locker and irritably shoved his things into his backpack. It couldn’t be right. He had to have thought about it at some point at least. Taylor was totally hot. Of course he’d wanted to kiss her. And do things to her. 

Except Chad couldn’t think of when, exactly, those thoughts had actually taken place. 

But that wasn’t the point. The point was Taylor was hot and they were long overdue for some kind of action. After all, being shown up by the immaculate wonder that was Troy was just embarrassing. 

~*~*~

Monday morning, Taylor was typing in the computer lab, and Chad stared through the door window, trying to figure out the best way to go about this. Shaking his hair, he strolled through the door and perched enticingly on the desk beside her keyboard. 

She rolled her eyes but smiled. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he grinned. “We should make out.”

She turned toward him, both eyebrows raised. “Excuse me?”

He frowned a little, no longer feeling sure of himself. “You don’t think?”

Sighing disapprovingly, she looked back at her computer screen. 

He thought for a moment and tried again, “Wanna see a movie?”

“So we can ‘make out’ in the dark theater?” she laughed. 

Chad’s frown deepened, but he figured at least she was amused. 

Finishing her paper, she picked up her books and titled her head toward him. “Why are you so gung-ho all of a sudden?”

“It’s not all of a sudden!” he snipped, more annoyed than he intended.

“You’ve never asked before. In fact, you haven’t even kissed me.”

“Well. So! That doesn’t mean anything!”

“Chad,” she soothed and placed a hand on his knee. “That’s not a bad thing. I appreciate that you haven’t tried anything when we’re not ready.”

Biting his lip, Chad slouched a little and wondered why he felt so guilty. He shouldn’t feel guilty. He didn’t do anything, though he wondered if he should feel more disappointed. “So, we’re not ready?”

She shrugged. “Do you want to kiss me?”

He shifted uncomfortably, worried it was a trick question. “Yes?”

Smiling, she rolled her eyes. “All right, then we can try it.”

He looked around, suddenly nervous. “Now?”

“No,” she laughed. “Not at school. But do you want to have lunch together?”

His brow furrowed. “Like we always do?”

“No. Not with everyone. Just us.”

“Ok,” Chad grinned. He could totally handle this, now. They just hadn’t spent enough time alone together. That was the only problem and it must be why they hadn’t gotten anywhere. Confidence restored, he proudly strode off to class. 

~*~*~

Dragging his heels on the way to history, Chad stopped off at his locker, scarffed a bag of chips from his lunch, and slowly switched the books in his backpack for the ones he’d need the rest of the day. Though it probably wasn’t the best idea to be late, Chad didn’t want to spend any more time than necessary with the new history teacher. He was beginning to think that the guy was actually worse than Ms. Darbus. However, arriving late might also get Chad a detention with him, so he quickly slammed his locker and ran down the hallway and around the corner. 

Of course, he should’ve realized that he’d crash into someone. It was the laws of physics or something else Taylor liked to blab about. Out of instinct, he reached for the other person, catching them before they fell. He grinned when he realized who had gripped him back. “Hey, Evans.”

Ryan blinked a few times, then smiled. “Hey.”

“Sorry about that.”

Ryan shook his head, glancing around the hallway. “No, that’s ok.”

Realizing he was still holding onto Ryan’s waist, Chad pulled away, then decided he should make sure Ryan could stand, then figured that was dumb, but reluctantly let go anyway. He inclined his head toward history class. “Walk with me?” he asked, feeling beyond stupid the minute the words were out of his mouth.

Ryan looked around again, then said slowly, “No. Um.”

Chad raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not going to history,” Ryan said quietly.

“Oh, skipping are we?” Chad smirked, immediately wondering how he could avoid class and go with Ryan. 

“Shar’s developed an aversion to the cafeteria food. She asked me to go get her lunch.”

Chad scoffed incredulously. “And you’re going to?”

“It’s either that or class,” Ryan winked. “She would’ve gone herself, but she’s meeting with Darbus now and can’t skip out on that. And she’d rather someone do it for her, you know? So.” He started off in the opposite direction, but stopped and turned. “You wanna come with me?” he asked, looking so unbelievably hopeful Chad would’ve said yes even if he didn’t hate history class. “I’ll buy you lunch,” Ryan smirked, biting his lip.

“Dude,” Chad grinned ridiculously and bounded toward the other boy. “You don’t have to ask twice.”

~*~*~

“Sooo,” Chad shut the disturbingly pink car door and surveyed the out-of-the-way restaurant Ryan had chosen. “What is this place?”

“Just a little bakery,” he answered as they walked up the stairs. “But they do lunches and things, too. Sharpay asked for her favorite.”

Chad followed curiously, peering into the large glass display case full of desserts, breads, and various salads at the front. “This is her favorite?”

Ryan gave him a sly smile. “No. It’s mine. Her taste is much more expensive and glamorous,” he waved his hand with a flourish. 

“And yours isn’t?” Chad smirked and flopped onto the couch in the corner.

“No,” Ryan looked down but smiled as he sat in the opposite side of the couch. “Well, maybe in clothes. Not anything else. I don’t think.” 

Chad laughed. “Right.” He snatched a menu from the coffee table. “So, Evans, what’s good here?”

“Everything.” 

“That’s not helpful.”

“Well, it’s true. Their food is amazing. I wouldn’t have...” 

Chad turned and looked at him. “You wouldn’t have what?”

Ryan shrugged, scanning his own menu. “Brought you here if it wasn’t. Amazing, that is.”

“I’m not hard to impress.”

Ryan laughed. “Good to know.”

Chad tipped his head, wondering. “You don’t have to impress me.”

“I just. Want you to have a good time.”

Chad knocked his shoulder into Ryan’s, forcing the blond to look at him. “You already impress me.” 

Ryan stared, then blinked several times. 

Chad laughed. “Don’t act so shocked.”

“I’m not,” Ryan shook his head.

“Liar.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, a bright smile crossing his face. “You should have this,” he pointed to his menu. “Panino con polpetta.”

Swearing his heart was beating faster as he looked at Ryan, Chad leaned toward him to get a better look at the menu, “What’s that?”

“It’s like grilled cheese with tomato and meatballs.”

Chad nodded. “You have good taste.”

“You have no idea.”

Grinning, Chad watched the smirk that curved Ryan’s lips as he promised, “I’ll find out.”

It didn’t take long before Chad realized that Ryan was in no way exaggerating. Once they’d eaten, he leaned back on the couch with a hand on his stomach and sighed, “I’m never gonna eat school food again. You’ve ruined me for everything else.”

Ryan snickered and asked skeptically, “Really?”

“Yep.” Chad turned his head toward Ryan. “You’re just gonna have to take me here every day.” His heart stopped at the soft, glowy smile Ryan gave him.

“As much as I’d love skipping history every day,” Ryan said, biting the corner of his bottom lip. “I think our parents might have a problem with it.”

“What do they know,” Chad scoffed with a smile.

Smiling, Ryan checked his watch. “We still have, like, twenty minutes before real lunch starts, is there something else you wanna do?”

Chad glanced out the window and gave Ryan a sly smile. “The car.”

Ryan’s eyes widened. “Do you know how much Shar would kill me?”

He put on his best winning grin and watched Ryan take a sip of water. “She’d never know.”

“Yes, she would,” Ryan insisted, leaving a folded pile of cash with their dishes as he picked up the bag with Sharpay’s sandwich and walked out the door. 

Chad got up and bounced after him. “C’mon.”

“Do you know how much she would kill me?” Ryan repeated, then crossed his arms as he reached the shiny, pink convertible. 

“But you’re gonna say yes anyway, aren’t you?” Chad smiled in what he hoped was a sweet fashion, or at least a convincing one. 

Ryan sighed, long and suffering, and avoided looking at Chad. He pulled the keys out of his pocket, dangling them on one finger. “If you want my death on your hands.”

Chad snatched the keys before Ryan could change his mind. “I wouldn’t let her do that,” he smiled and rushed around to the driver’s side.

Ryan slid into the passenger seat, carefully setting the takeout bag at his feet. “So. Any particular reason you want to drive my sister’s pink car?”

“Dude,” Chad raised his eyebrows. “It’s a convertible. A brand new convertible.” Ryan laughed and shook his head. “Are you telling me you don’t get excited driving this car?” Chad asked as he pulled the seat belt across his chest. 

Ryan shrugged. “I’m not that into driving.”

Chad stopped and looked at him. “Are you kidding?”

“No? Sharpay’s always the one who drives. And besides, it’s her car.”

Chad glanced over at Ryan as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Do you have a car?”

“Mm hmm.” Ryan tipped his head back onto the seat. “I’ll take you out in it sometime. If you want.”

“Really?” Chad grinned, heart rushing.

“Sure.”

Chad virtually bounced in his seat, already in love with everything about this day. “So,” he smirked, thickening his voice with a British accent. “Where to Mr. Evans?” Ryan giggled, seriously giggled and Chad couldn’t help but notice how it practically made him glow, and he realized he didn’t see Ryan like this nearly often enough. 

“Anywhere,” Ryan sighed with a smile. “Just drive.”

~*~*~

Lunch was almost over by the time they returned to school and Sharpay barreled out to meet them as Ryan pulled into the parking lot and Chad was suddenly grateful Ryan had suggested they switch back just in case. 

“Just where have you been?” she demanded to Ryan, hands on her hips. 

He smiled sweetly and handed her the takeout bag. “Getting you lunch.”

She glared, obviously trying to decide if she should stay mad or be thankful, and took the paper bag from Ryan’s hands. She peered inside and frowned slightly. “This isn’t what I asked for.”

“No,” he kept his smile as he retrieved his bag and Chad’s. “But it’s what we– I brought you.”

She raised an eyebrow and Chad got the feeling that he should leave as quickly as possible. “Thanks, Evans!” he called as he ran by Zeke and up the steps. “See ya later!” He briefly caught Ryan’s little wave before entering the school and rushing to math class. For once, he arrived first and collapsed in his seat still dazed. His head was swimming and his heart was still racing and the only thing that had any kind of sticking power in his head was picturing the soft, slow way Ryan smiled. 

Beaming, he pulled his notebook and math book from his bag, elated that not even the thought of math class could get him down. 

Troy arrived just before the bell and slid into the seat beside him. “Hey, man.”

“Dude!” Chad turned toward him eagerly. “I just had the best time!”

“Yeah? So, it went well?”

“You have no idea. It was amazing. Just awesome!”

As he dragged out his own book, Troy chuckled and looked Chad over. “Wow,” he said, unbelieving. “I haven’t seen you like this since the championship game last year. You’re all... bouncy.”

“Shut up,” Chad tried to glare but couldn’t stop smiling. 

Grinning at him, Troy asked, “Did Taylor have fun, too?”

Chad tipped his head. “Huh?”

“Taylor,” Troy repeated. “Gabi said you and Taylor had a lunch date which is why you’re bouncing, right? Did you finally kiss her?”

Chad’s smile disappeared. Taylor. And the lunch date. And he’d completely forgotten. How could he have forgotten? She had been talking about kissing him. Actually kissing him and he’d forgotten? Suddenly feeling sick to his stomach, Chad quickly mumbled to Troy, “Uh. No.” Shaking his head, he looked down at his desk, immeasurably grateful their teacher had started up the lesson for that day. “Never mind,” he told his friend, and hoped that would be enough.

~*~*~

Usually, when Sharpay looked at him like that – like she might hire someone large and muscular to knock sense into him – Ryan was appropriately terrified. Or at least sufficiently remorseful. But at the moment, he could only bring himself to care about one thing. And it certainly wasn’t his twin sister. 

“I know what you did,” she stated plainly, unwrapping her sandwich and delicately sniffing it. 

He looked up from the script he hadn’t exactly been reading. “And?”

“Caprisi?” she asked, holding out her sandwich.

“Yes.”

“Good. And I think you’re being stupid,” she said and took a bite.

Ryan sighed and wanted to mention something about Lava Springs and summer and Troy Bolton, but decided against it. “You usually think I’m being stupid. Unless I’m doing something for you.”

“I’m not accusing, Ryan,” she said with an impatient edge to her voice. “I’m simply warning you out of the goodness of my heart that you’re going to get your heart broken.”

Ryan wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that and went back to his script, sadly feeling the dizzy lightness from earlier fade away. After a few minutes of silence, he turned back and said, “I’m not expecting anything. Or asking for anything.”

“Which is why you should get over your stupid crush. You deserve better.”

Ryan looked away. “I don’t have a stupid crush.”

“Please,” she scoffed and pulled a napkin from the takeout bag. “You remember that whole sharing a womb thing? It means you can’t lie to me.”

He rolled his eyes and hoped she wouldn’t want to talk about this anymore. It wasn’t as if it were a new conversation. Any time he looked twice at someone, she’d list off how said someone wasn’t good enough and how it wouldn’t work and how Ryan could do so much better. Most of the time she was right, though he’d never let her know, and most of the time, it didn’t bother him. It was what any protective sibling might do. 

Except this time he didn’t want her to say anything. It made him have an uncomfortable, sinking sadness in his chest. He didn’t know why this time was different, and he definitely didn’t want to think about reasons why it was. 

Maybe this time he really didn’t want her to be right.


	2. Work This Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor finds out why Chad didn't show up for their date.

Taylor was the kind of person you didn’t want to make angry. It wasn’t that she’d explode or yell and scream at you – it was that she wouldn’t say anything. And while she wasn’t saying anything, she’d be thinking and probably plotting and figuring out exactly the worst and best way to get back at whoever upset her. 

Fortunately for Chad, she was also the kind of person who wouldn’t act on any malicious thoughts, but he could tell when he watched her just how absolutely fucking pissed off she was at him. 

With a deep breath, he slid into his seat in front of her. “Taylor?”

She didn’t answer – didn’t even acknowledge he’d spoken and kept her attention on her book. 

Deciding he should just get it over with, he murmured, “Tay, I’m sorry.” He thought then added, “Really sorry.”

For a split second, she glanced at him, revealing obvious disdain before returning to her reading. 

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” he tried. “I just. Forgot.”

“I know you did,” she said in a sharp but even voice.

He waited for her to explain, or to just keep talking, but she did neither. Impatiently, he fidgeted in his seat. She should yell at him. Or tell him how stupid he was. Or something at the very least. This not talking wasn’t ok. “Well. Then,” he frowned. “What’s your problem?”

She looked up with fiery eyes. “My problem? MY problem!”

“Yes!” he asserted. “I didn’t mean to! And I can make it up to you.”

She eyed him warily. 

“And I apologized! It wasn’t even anything big or important. It was just lunch,” he insisted. “I don’t even know why you’re so upset!” 

“All dates are official,” she snapped. “All of them! Just because it’s school lunch doesn’t give you the right to stand me up. You made a commitment to me and broke it because you forgot.”

“I’m sorry, ok!” he slammed his hands on her desk. “I’ll make it up to you! I’ll bring you flowers or I’ll take you somewhere nice or whatever. Just tell me.”

She looked at him slowly. “Why do you care? Why are you trying so hard to make it up to me when you could’ve just put a little effort into remembering? And then you wouldn’t be having this problem.” Her eyes fixed on him, hard and cold. “Why should I forgive you? Why do you want me to?”

Resisting the urge to just scream, Chad twisted the strap on his backpack. “Because you’re my girlfriend. I don’t like fighting with you.”

“You aren’t just mad because we haven’t ‘made out’?”

“No! Look! I’m sorry I asked! I just figured since we’re together that you might want to kiss me, too!”

Taylor stared at him quietly but no less coldly. “Fine,” she told him and went back to her book. 

Chad watched her for a minute, then made a hopelessly frustrated gesture with fists and arms. “Fine? That’s it?”

She nodded, calm and controlled. 

Digging his teeth into his lower lip, Chad furiously spun in his seat and was still fuming when Troy and Gabriella walked in holding hands. 

“Good morning,” Gabriella smiled at him as she walked to her desk. 

Troy stared dreamily then sank into his own seat. “Hey, man! What’s up?”

Chad glared at the both of them and growled under his breath, “Nothing.”

“Yeah, well, it definitely isn’t you,” Troy quipped.

“Fuck off, Bolton!” he spat, but didn’t miss the absolutely shocked and hurt look on his best friend’s face. “I...” he started and couldn’t stand the gushing concern in Troy’s eyes. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

Whispering low so only Chad could hear, Troy told him, “That doesn’t make me not worry.”

Chad contemplated confessing about Taylor and their fight, but Sharpay chose that moment to burst into the room decked out in purple and green feathers with Zeke on her arm and Ryan trailing behind, both of her guys dressed in varying shades of green and purple. She blew a kiss and tossed it with her fingers, taking her seat across the room from Zeke who stared even more dreamily than Troy had after Gabi. 

Ryan quietly sat behind his sister and gave Chad a soft, charming smile. Magically, it made Chad feel a little better. He remembered being taught slow, calming breaths, and driving with the wind in his hair and Ryan happy and content beside him, and even if Taylor was barely speaking to him, Chad thought yesterday was totally worth it. 

“Just out of curiosity,” Taylor asked with an edge to her voice and a volume that said she intended to include everyone. “Why didn’t you show up?”

Troy turned around in his seat, leaning over to make eye contact with her. “What?”

“Lunch yesterday,” she explained. “He didn’t show.”

Troy pointed at her. “That’s a boy rule, right?”

“A what?” Chad demanded more toward Troy than Taylor.

“They have to do with guys forgetting and messing up things,” Troy informed. 

Completely betrayed, Chad turned on him. “Dude! How is it you know that?”

“Gabriella told me,” he said innocently, eyes dreamy again when he said her name. 

“Yes,” Taylor confirmed. “So, why did you stand me up? What was so much more important?”

Chad looked around, very aware that everyone was staring. That is, everyone except Ryan who was busy scribbling in a notebook and Sharpay who was critically eyeing her brother. “I told you I didn’t mean to! I just forgot!”

“So, what were you doing when you just forgot?” she asked again evenly and without an ounce of accusation in her tone.

“Nothing! I just forgot!”

Taylor looked past him to Troy who shrugged because he didn’t know any more than she did. 

“Were you with another girl?” she asked.

“No!” Chad snapped, anger viciously reigniting. 

“He just went to get Sharpay lunch,” Zeke interrupted, apparently tired of the fighting. 

Taylor turned quickly. “What? He got Sharpay lunch?!”

“No, well, yes,” Zeke said uncertainly. “Sharpay wanted lunch and I couldn’t go get it for her, so Chad and Ryan went for her.”

Taylor stared at Zeke, then at Chad, then returned to her book. For some reason, Chad got a sickening, twisting feeling in his stomach and worried that Taylor would be even more angry with him now. 

“All right, class,” Ms. Darbus brightly scolded as she flounced into the room. “That is enough of your drama. It’s time for my kind now.”

Disheartened, Chad sank low into his seat. 

Troy shifted and whispered to him, “Dude, did you really blow off your girlfriend to hang out with Ryan?”

Chad glared at the back of Troy’s head. “You know, we went to... and he asked... and I hate history and it’s none of your fucking business!” he hissed quietly. Troy looked back at him and Chad scolded out of spite, “I’m listening to Darbus’ announcements.”

Troy blinked, frozen in place until Ms. Darbus bellowed, “Mr. Bolton! I do believe I am giving this lecture, not Mr. Danforth. If you’d kindly turn around and pay attention then I won’t have to give you detention!”

Confusedly, Troy turned and looked apologetic, and Chad never thought he’d be so thankful for drama lectures. 

~*~*~

By the time chemistry class started, Taylor still hadn’t forgiven him and this time, she’d stopped talking to him all together unless she was barking instructions for their lab experiment. And when his measurements were slightly estimated or the color a little darker than it should have been, she lectured him about the importance of doing things correctly and by the rules and if he was going to do something else, then he should’ve just told her and not wasted her time by screwing up. 

Chad finally couldn’t stand it anymore and yelled at her to do the whole goddamned thing herself since he obviously wasn’t smart enough to handle it. 

Their chemistry teacher was appalled and sent him out in the hallway to yell at the lockers until he cooled down. 

Chad left the classroom and slumped to the floor. Why was she so angry? True, he hadn’t shown up, but how could she still be mad? It was just unreasonable and unfair. And he still had no idea how to fix it. Frustrated, he bounced his leg until he heard careful footsteps. 

“Last I checked,” Ryan said softly. “They didn’t hold many classes in the hallway.”

Chad looked up and snorted, instantly grinning. “What are you doing out here? Skipping again?”

“No,” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Delivering mail for Darbus. And chemistry?”

“Taylor’s pissed and got me kicked out of class.”

“Oh,” Ryan looked at the ground, scuffing his toe against it. 

Chad watched the blond awkwardly avoid looking at him. “Hey,” he thumped the ground beside him. “Sit with me.”

Ryan pursed his lips and hesitated, but then sat against the wall, crossing his legs. Chad scooted closer so their arms and legs were touching, comforted having someone with him.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan blurted out, self-consciously moving his hands like he didn’t know what to do with them. “I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”

Chad shrugged, calmed by Ryan’s mellow presence. “Wasn’t your fault.” He sighed and rested his head back against the wall. “I just don’t know why she’s so mad. I didn’t mean to and I apologized. So, I don’t know how to fix it. ‘Cause she’s still pissed.” He looked to his right and stared at Ryan, hoping he’d find an answer. “What would you do?”

Ryan turned his head. “Me?”

“Yeah,” Chad grinned for him. “How would you fix it?”

Ryan huffed and looked like he was trying to think. “I don’t know Taylor like you do.”

“So?” Chad rolled his eyes, more at himself than anything else, and mumbled, “I don’t even know her like I do.”

Ryan’s brow furrowed. “What?”

Shaking his head, Chad dismissed his earlier thought. “Nothing. What would you do if it were you?”

Ryan thought and then bit his lip, trying not to smile. “I would’ve remembered my date with my girlfriend.”

Chad glared and playfully elbowed him. “You don’t even date girls.”

“How do you know,” Ryan tipped his head slyly. 

Chad was thankful they were sitting on the floor, because if they hadn’t been, he might’ve fallen over. He stared at Ryan, eyebrows raised, eyes narrowed, and wondered if the world actually was flat. 

Ryan snickered lightly. “You’re far too easy.”

Shaking his head, Chad rolled his eyes. “You wouldn’t know.”

Ryan shrugged and looked at the lockers on the opposite wall. “I still would’ve remembered I had a date.”

“Fine, smartass. If you had been stood up, how would you want it made up to you?”

Ryan searched his eyes then took a long breath. He shrugged once and went back to fiddling with his hands. “You could take her to dinner. Or something. I don’t know. Maybe her favorite place?”

Chad tipped his head, watching Ryan closely. “That wasn’t what I asked.”

“Do something so she,” Ryan continued, ignoring his statement. “So she knows you care about her. So she feels important to you. And not forgotten,” he swallowed, then looked at Chad with a plastic smile. “It’s always nice to know you’re important to someone.”

Chad frowned and couldn’t tell why it hurt so much to see Ryan acting fake. 

Still smiling, Ryan sighed and pushed himself off the floor. “I should go,” he said and didn’t waste any time, turning and walking away. 

“Hey!” Chad called when he realized he should probably say something. “Thanks, Evans.”

At first he wasn’t sure if Ryan had heard him, until the blond spun and made an exaggerated bow before continuing on his way. 

Shaking his head, Chad had to smile and wish Ryan could’ve stayed. 

~*~*~

It took until Wednesday night before Chad finally got up the nerve to call Taylor. He figured if she was going to reject him or get mad at him again, it was better if she didn’t do it in person. After staring warily at the phone for a good ten minutes, he dialed and held his breath until she answered. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Tay,” he started, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

He heard her annoyed sigh and then, “I’m busy right now. What do you need?”

He shifted nervously. “Come with me to that sandwich place tomorrow night. I know it’s your favorite and I’ll take you.”

When answered with silence, he worried she might’ve hung up until she said, “Actually, the sushi place is my favorite, but you don’t like sushi.”

“I don’t care,” he said quickly. “I’ll take you for sushi. I wanna make it up to you.” He waited again without a response from her, then added softly, “Please?”

She sighed again. “It’s a nice thought, but I’m tutoring on Thursday.”

Defeated, Chad sank low into the couch cushions. 

“Maybe,” she stopped, then suggested, “Maybe Friday?”

Filled with relief, he gripped the arm of the sofa, but quickly came back down. “We have a game. Saturday?” he asked hopefully. “I’ll take you to that used book store, too. You can’t tell me you don’t like that.”

“No. I mean, yes! Saturday. That would be fine.”

“Just ‘fine’?”

“Well, we’ll see,” she said and he could hear the smile in her voice.

“Sweet. I’ll see you then.”

“You’ll see me tomorrow,” she corrected with a chuckle. “Do you want me to pick you up on Saturday? My mom said I could borrow her car.”

“Uh,” Chad pulled at a few loose strings on the couch cushions and conceded, “Sure.” 

“Good. Maybe this time I can stand you up.”

“Hey! That’s not funny,” he almost pouted but realized she couldn’t see him and decided against it. 

“You know I wouldn’t, even though you might deserve it.”

Chad rolled his eyes and refrained from saying otherwise. 

“I really do have things I need to do now,” she told him.

“Ok, ok,” he grinned. “Go teach all the kids and protect the environment and save the world.”

Giggling into the phone, she responded, “Bye, Chad.”

“Night.” He hung up and settled comfortably back onto the couch, certain all was right with the world.


	3. Never See it Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad dances and worries about his upcoming date with Taylor.

Chad never paid much attention to the music room, so he wasn’t sure why he stopped and tilted his head toward the door. But when he did, he forgot about stopping at his locker after free period. 

There was a song that he wasn’t familiar with, but over the music was a voice he did know. Cautiously, he opened the door and stuck his head inside. Kelsi was at the piano, grinning and moving her head with the jazzy, upbeat song while Ryan stood beside her, singing and swiveling his hips with the music.

It took Chad a minute before he realized he needed to swallow to keep his mouth from drying. 

Martha clapped when Kelsi and Ryan finished. “That song is so cool, Kels!”

“Yeah, Sharpay might even like it,” Ryan smiled. 

Kelsi beamed. “Thanks, guys. It’s different, so I wasn’t sure.”

“No, it’s good!” Martha insisted. “Makes you want to get up and dance.”

Ryan nodded then quickly turned to Kelsi. “Play the middle section. With your solo that has all the triplets.”

Kelsi giggled then brought her hands to the keys. Ryan left her side and motioned for Martha. He took her hands and they spun, then moved together with fast, smooth steps. 

From the door, Chad watched, unable to blink. The way Ryan moved – all fluid and precise at the same time – and every move centered on those hips and the area around those hips, which Chad definitely shouldn’t be staring at. At least, he thought he shouldn’t, but watching Ryan made him not quite sure anymore. 

Martha twirled, moving her arms with her head, and noticed Chad still hovering in the doorway. “Hey, Chad!”

Ryan spun in place and Chad had a feeling that if Ryan were a less graceful person, he might’ve stumbled. 

“Hey.” Chad finally stepped through the door. “I was…” he started to gesture toward the hallway, but felt awkward and stopped. “I heard your song,” his eyes made brief contact Ryan’s before he looked at Kelsi. “It sounded awesome.”

“Thanks,” she smiled and gathered her sheet music.

Chad smiled back, but his gaze quickly wandered toward Ryan who glanced down when he noticed Chad’s eyes on him, his cheeks turning light pink. Chad grinned, feeling more than a little warm as he stared into blue eyes.

Picking up her books, Martha started for the door. “Hey,” she said as she walked by Chad. “Are you… Did you and Taylor make up?”

Chad tore his eyes away to look at her. “What? Oh. Yeah, yeah. We’re all good.”

“Oh, good!” Martha said. “We’ve missed you at lunch. Adam says he can’t be the only sane guy there. You know Troy and Zeke have a tendency to zone out when Gabriella and Sharpay are around.”

Chad hummed and let his gaze drift back to Ryan. “Yeah, we’ll see you there later.”

“Great!” Martha met Kelsi and both called, “Bye, Ryan!”

Ryan waved and smiled politely. 

Once the girls left, Chad glanced around the unfamiliar room, casually walking toward Ryan with his hands in his pants pockets. He gave the blond a head nod and a suave smile. “Hey.”

Ryan laughed. “Hey.”

Pleased, Chad felt anxious energy sparking in his arms and legs. “What was that dance you were doing with Martha?”

Ryan tipped his head. “Dance? Oh, nothing really. She wanted to know some formal steps. So, I showed her a few things.”

Chad pressed his lips together, itching for… something. He didn’t quite know, but there was definitely wanting involved. He met Ryan’s eyes. “Show me?”

Ryan stared, then looked confused. “The partner moves? Or anything?”

Chad shrugged. “Whatever. Just show me something.” He watched Ryan take a long breath and roll his lower lip into his mouth. Chad swallowed again.

Deciding on a dance, Ryan started to extend his hands toward Chad, but hesitated and dropped them back to his sides and looked like he was thinking up something different. 

“Here,” Chad offered his hands. 

Ryan’s soft blue eyes flicked across Chad’s face before he placed his hands in Chad’s palms. “Ok,” he directed their hands out to the side. “Now, step toward me so you almost touch my right side with yours.” When Chad did, Ryan smiled. “Now, step back. Then do it with your left side.”

Chad followed his instructions, studying Ryan’s eyes. “So, what is this?”

“Simple swing,” Ryan answered, directing him to repeat the step faster. 

Chad watched Ryan twist his body when he stepped forward and mimicked the swiveling hip motion Ryan seemed to like so much. 

Ryan’s eyes lit and he broke into a bright grin. “Ok,” he said on a backwards step. “Now, turn and put your arm over your head. Like this,” he demonstrated and moved Chad’s hands with his. 

“Then what?”

“Let go of the top hand,” Ryan let go of the hand behind his head. “And step backward but slide along this hand.” He moved and caught the hand he’d let go of with his opposite hand as he stepped away. 

“Oh, that’s cool!” Chad bounced on his toes. “Do it again.” Laughing, Ryan moved to their starting position and repeated the motions. Chad gripped his hand when they finished. “Now what?”

Smirking, Ryan lifted their hands. “Spin.”

Chad snickered and twirled, his heart rushing when he heard Ryan laugh. 

Grinning, he spun Ryan and caught him, pressing their bodies together. He felt Ryan breathe, his chest moving and touching Chad’s, and watched Ryan’s grin fade, though it still glowed in his eyes. He held Ryan’s gaze until the blue eyes dropped lower and Ryan’s tongue slid out along his lips. 

Chad clenched his fingers in Ryan’s shirt. 

Ryan jumped and broke away when the bell for class rang. 

Chad stayed where he’d been, watching Ryan pick up his messenger bag. He stared at the blond boy, his heart pounding and his head spinning, too many thoughts going through his head that he was sure shouldn’t be going through his head. 

Sighing a long breath, Ryan smiled softly and inclined his head toward the door. “You coming?”

Chad swallowed and nodded quickly, following him to class. 

~*~*~

Normally, Chad was bursting with extra energy before a basketball game. He couldn’t wait to go out there and show everyone wicked Wildcat skills and prove just how awesome his team was. Except, even with as hard as he tried, the game was still the furthest thing from his mind. 

He sat on the bench in the locker room, idly flicking the laces on his shoes. So, maybe he and Ryan had a weird kind of chemistry. Maybe Chad had thought about the way Ryan’s tongue traced his lips or the way Ryan chewed on his lower lip or the perfect, inviting shape of Ryan’s mouth. 

Chad might’ve thought about Ryan and kissing and both of those at the same time, and maybe he hadn’t really stopped thinking about it, but he didn't know what that meant. 

Sure, he could come up with possible answers, including the fact that he still hadn’t kissed Taylor and could be projecting his kissing wants onto everyone around him. But he had no idea what the right answer was. And his date with Taylor was tomorrow. What if he screwed up again? What if he upset her? What if she didn’t forgive him?

Chad placed his elbows on his knees and rubbed the sides of his head. He so did not need this right now. 

“Hey!” Troy’s head appeared from around the lockers. “You ready?”

Sitting up, Chad nodded and tried repeating in his head, the game, the game, the game. 

Troy sat next to him, straddling the bench and giving him that sad, concerned look he was so good at. “Dude, you okay?”

“Just.” Chad sighed, “Nervous. A lot on my mind.”

“Before a game?”

Chad shrugged.

Troy smiled, “You gotta get–”

“You finish that sentence and I’ll have to... something.”

Sighing, Troy rolled his eyes, still smiling. “So, then talk to me.”

Chad ran a hand over his head, considered it, and then glanced around the locker room. “Okay,” he said when he’d turned back to Troy. “I keep thinking about tomorrow and it freaks me out when I do.”

“Why?”

“I’m taking Taylor out.”

“Oh! You’ll be fine. I know it’s scary before you actually do it, but Taylor thinks you’re super fly. It’ll all work out.”

Chad raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Wait, I thought you hadn’t... please, for the love of all that is or was or might be holy, tell me you haven’t done Gabriella.”

“What?” Troy tipped his head. “Oh, no,” he shook his head and made crossing out motions with his hands. “No, no. I meant I’ve worried before a first date that everything would go wrong and she’d end up hating me or thinking I’m a loser.”

Chad nodded slightly, relieved that he hadn’t fallen that far behind. 

“But you know Taylor,” Troy continued, reassuringly placing his hand on Chad’s shoulder. “This isn’t something brand new. You’ve been out tons of times with the gang and with me and Gabriella.” Removing his hand, Troy gestured for emphasis. “You get along great. I don’t think you’ve told me about one fight or anything. Well, except for right now. But still. She’s totally crazy about you.”

Sighing deeply, Chad slumped and wondered why Troy’s words made him feel worse.

“You know she likes you. And you’ll get past this and it’ll make you even closer. You’ll get to kiss her and be with her and you’ll see how good you are together. And how perfect you are for each other.”

Chad stared with furrowed eyebrows, worried that Troy was being serious. “Man, seriously. Quit with the after school special.”

“Hey! I’m trying to help you out,” Troy said with frown. 

“I know, but,” Chad stopped and let out a frustrated groan. “It doesn’t help. It makes it worse. And maybe there’s a reason this hasn’t happened. You know? What if there’s... like... something else?”

Looking at him with utter confusion, Troy asked, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I keep thinking there’s something. And then this doesn’t even feel right,” Chad stared into Troy’s eyes, trying to make him understand, but was met with the same baffled expression. Defeated, he sighed and looked down. “I don’t know if it ever felt right. But I don’t know why.”

Troy sat quietly. “What else would there be?”

Chad shook his head, uneasy churning in the pit of his stomach. “I don’t know.”

Troy glanced at the clock and sighed as he stood, looking down sympathetically. “You’re just psyching yourself out ‘cause you’re nervous. It’ll be okay.” He motioned toward the gym. “C’mon. Game time. We’ll kick ass and you’ll forget all about it.”

Reluctantly, Chad twisted himself off the bench, following Troy and wishing that his best friend wasn’t absolutely, one hundred percent wrong about everything.

~*~*~

Saturday afternoon, Chad sat on his bed and stared at the three rumpled shirts he’d already tried on. He frowned at the clothes strewn around his room and tore off his latest t-shirt, grabbing a light bluish-purple one from his dresser. Written in black and white letters was, “Save the panda bears!” with a tiny bear logo underneath. 

Sighing, he pulled it over his head and thought Taylor would appreciate it. But after he had chosen what to wear, he was left with nothing else to do before she showed up to get him. And he really needed to not think about anything else. 

Before he contemplated changing his jeans or fussing with his hair, Chad went downstairs to wait.

Five minutes before Taylor was supposed to be there, Chad thought that maybe he should’ve gotten her flowers. He’d always seen his dad bring flowers to his mom after they had a fight and it seemed to work for him, so maybe Chad should’ve done the same. He contemplated checking the bushes in the backyard, but Taylor knocked on the door before he could actually execute his plan. 

“Hi,” she smiled as she stood in the doorway. “I like your shirt.”

“Thanks,” Chad skimmed his hand over his shirt proudly. “Ryan said this color looks good on me.” Grabbing his coat, he gestured to her green sweater and curled hair as they walked to the car. “You look amazing.” 

“Oh, he even thinks to compliment my appearance!” She placed a hand on her chest like she was flattered. “You are learning.”

He rolled his eyes and flopped into the passenger seat. “Yeah. Well.”

“Come on. I’m teasing.” She smiled warmly as she sat beside him and grabbed her seatbelt.

Sighing softly, he gave her a pasted smile. “I know.”

A look of concentration crossed her face as she started the car and backed down the driveway, and Chad figured it was to focus on driving until she looked at him, concerned and serious. “It’s just me. I’m not scary,” she said earnestly, then with a small smile added, “I hope.”

Chad smiled at her for real and tried to think of a way to reassure her, but could only respond with, “I don’t like fighting with you.”

“Then it’s good that we don’t do it often,” she glanced at him while she drove, still smiling. 

He nodded. “I wish I could’ve picked you up. And I wanted to give you flowers, but I…” he trailed off, feeling guilty for even mentioning it.

With a modest but crafty smile, she supplied, “Forgot?” 

Chad laughed lightly, rolling his eyes. “Something like that.”

“It’s okay.” She reached across the seat and took his hand. “We’re okay.”

Breathing freely, he squeezed her hand. “Good.”

“So, lunch?” she asked, placing both hands on the steering wheel. 

“Sure. Dates equal food, don’t they?”

Taylor giggled and switched on the radio. “I think that’s a different kind of ‘boy rule’ than the ones my sister devised. Though no less accurate.”

Chad fidgeted in his seat, but tried to keep a smile. “Have I broken a lot of those rules?”

She looked over at him, likely taking note of any worry that might’ve been on his face. “No,” she assured sweetly. “I haven’t really associated them with you.”

After thinking for a minute, he couldn’t come up with an answer. “Why’s that?”

“I just haven’t,” she said with a shrug, though he had a feeling she wasn’t telling him everything. She gestured toward the radio. “You can pick something to listen to if you want.”

He stared at her for a moment, then turned the dial on the radio, settling on familiar song. 

She listened and then glanced at him. “I didn’t think you liked this kind of music.”

“Ryan and I have a foreign exchange program. We’ve been trading CDs and MP3s...”

“And you’ve changed your mind?”

“Maybe,” he said and wondered if he had. There were songs he liked, but mostly...“It reminds me of him.”

Taylor nodded, thinking quietly as she drove the rest of the way to her favorite sushi place. 

She ordered for both of them, though Chad insisted on paying. She might’ve picked him up, but he was still the guy and he didn’t want to know what Taylor’s sister would say if he didn’t pay. Especially since he’d forgotten their earlier lunch date. 

He suspiciously eyed the rolls of rice and fish and seaweed once they sat down. Taylor didn’t seem to be dying or hacking up their lunch, so he bravely picked up a roll with his fingers and gulped down a few bites, chewing to the side of his mouth to minimize contact with his tongue. 

Taylor affectionately rolled her eyes at him. “So,” she said, fitting a roll between her chopsticks. “How was your game last night?”

Chad stopped his acrobatic chewing and frowned. He swallowed before he answered, “Sucked.”

She looked at him with sympathy. “What happened?”

“I got benched third quarter because I couldn’t stop...” he trailed off and picked up one chopstick, using it to poke at his food. “I couldn’t focus. And we lost by, like, nine points.”

“I’m sorry,” she touched his hand gently.

He shrugged and moved his hand to resume skewering the salmon rolls. “I’m just not looking forward to practice on Monday.”

Taylor self-consciously retracted her hand. “It’s not as if the team losing was your fault.”

“I suppose,” he mumbled. “But I should have been more with it. Maybe if I had been, it would’ve made a difference.”

“Well, it’s over and done with,” she said in a hopeful way. “And you have plenty more games where you can do it differently.”

He nodded distractedly but knew she was scrutinizing him. 

“How’s your lunch?” she asked. “Do you still not like sushi?”

Chad shrugged, but sat straighter and looked up at Taylor. “It’s ok. I like these,” he pointed with his lone chopstick.

Smiling, she nodded. “Usually people who don’t even like sushi still like California rolls.”

He smiled back and stabbed the green chunk out of one. “I think this is why. This,” He waved around his green-tipped stick. “Is good.”

“The avocado?”

“Oh, that’s what it is?”

Taylor smirked and nodded. 

“That’s funny. Ryan always says avocado is what makes a lot of dishes. You know, sets them apart and makes them special.” He twirled the chopstick, smiling wistfully. “He loves avocado.”

“I would assume as much.” 

“I told him he was just being picky, but maybe he was on to something.”

Taylor slowly nodded again, watching him curiously. “Maybe. Hey, Chad?”

“Hmm?”

“Does Ryan like sushi?”

Chad shrugged, rolling the chopstick over his knuckles. “He doesn’t like fish, so probably not.”

“Mmhmm,” Taylor lifted her chin, eyes narrow and thoughtful. “What does he like?”

“Garden burgers. And enchiladas. I think macaroni and cheese is his favorite.”

Taylor raised her eyebrows. “That’s awfully... detailed. How much time have you spent with Ryan since this summer?”

Chad stopped spinning his chopstick and sat quietly for a minute. “Why?”

She waved her hand. “Curious.”

He looked her up and down, trying to figure her out. “Why are you asking about Ryan?”

She glanced down at her plate and picked up a roll with her chopsticks. “You brought him up. I was just making conversation.”

“Oh. Sorry,” he said quickly, and felt guilty though he didn’t know why. There was no reason to feel guilty. “How was tutoring?”

“Same as always?” 

Leaning forward, Chad placed his elbow on the table. “Fascinating,” he said with a toothy grin. “Tell me more about you.”

Taylor rolled her eyes. “It’s a good thing you’re cute.”

~*~

After lunch, Chad draped his arm over Taylor’s shoulders as they walked to the bookstore and made a sweeping gesture with his free arm once they walked through the door. “Okay, hot stuff, pick out anything you want.”

Taylor rolled her eyes and pointed to a tall, well-muscled young man wearing thin, wire-rimmed glasses and reading a medical journal. “What if I want him?”

“Hey! That’s not fair! You don’t get to have him,” he retracted his arm, crossed both across his chest and glared. 

Taylor laughed and reassuringly rubbed Chad’s arm. “Don’t worry, sweetie.” She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. 

Slightly shocked, he looked down at her, then gave her an almost bashful smile. “Go pick something out, babe.”

Grinning excitedly, Taylor took her time scanning the shelves and picking up books that interested her. Chad followed her, watching her smile and light up every time she saw a book she might like, and thought she really was gorgeous. He was lucky that he’d found a girl who wasn’t just hot, she was smart and fun to be around. It was what he’d always wanted, or what he thought he should find. 

Chad idly searched through a bin of used books and thought maybe Troy was right. Maybe the sappy bullshit Troy had been spouting with the whole perfect for each other-good together thing was because he knew Chad and knew Chad had always wanted this. And Chad couldn’t think of why anything would be different or why he shouldn’t be overjoyed that he’d found exactly what he’d dreamed about in a girlfriend. 

Sighing, he tipped his head as he came across a book with bright green pages. Picking it up, he flipped the pages with his thumb, noting that only the edges were colored. “Hey, Tay,” he called, handing her the book when she emerged from the rows of shelves. “Look at this.”

She turned it over. “Oh, Wicked.”

“I know, right? I didn’t think they made green books.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled. “No, the title of the book is Wicked.”

He took it back from her and looked at the cover. He stared at the picture of the witches and ran his thumb over the letters. 

“Have you heard of it?” Taylor asked.

“I… Maybe.” Chad turned the book over to read the back and swore he’d heard Ryan talk about something like it, though he was under the impression that it was one of those musicals he liked. 

“I haven’t read it,” Taylor said. “But I’ve heard it’s good. Gabriella loves it.”

He stared at the book and turned it over in his hands. “I think I’m gonna get it.” He looked up at her. “Did you find something?”

“Yeah,” she held up two science looking books.

“Cool. You all done?”

She nodded. “If you are.”

“Yep,” he snatched her books and took them to the register, paying for all three. He handed them to her as they walked back to the car. 

She ran her hands over the cover of one. “Thank you,” she said with true sincerity.

“Anything for you, babe,” he gave her a smile and again put his arm around her. 

She laughed. “You’re such a charmer. No wonder girls fall all over themselves for you.”

Chad stopped walking, letting go of Taylor’s shoulders in the process. “Girls fall all over for me?”

She turned back toward him. “Yes, silly. The girls on the scholastic team and in the choir and the skater girls and all the cheerleaders. They adore you,” she said matter-of-factly. “You’re second only to Troy. Although, I personally think they have that backwards.”

Chad stared at her. “I… Really? All those girls?”

Laughing, Taylor walked up to him and placed a hand on the center of his chest. “Are you really that surprised? You’re gorgeous and charming and talented. And you know, if you actually turned your homework in on time, I bet you’d get straight As.”

Chad felt his face turning hot. “I guess I... never noticed.”

“You never noticed that you’re gorgeous and talented,” she teased. 

He rolled his eyes. “I never noticed they all liked me.”

She hooked her arm through his and pulled him to start walking again. “You’ve had plenty of girlfriends, if I remember correctly. Freshman and sophomore year? And all through middle school,” she reminded.

Chad shrugged and couldn’t think of one girlfriend, besides Taylor, he’d had for more than a month. “There were some. But it never lasted very long.”

She looked up at him, expression curious and calculating like it had been at lunch. “What makes me different?”

Chad swallowed and wished their lunch hadn’t been sushi because his stomach was churning uneasily. He wanted to say the right thing, but if he fibbed even a little bit, he was sure Taylor would know. At the risk of saying something wrong, he opted for honesty. “I think you’re the best girl I’ve ever met. I’ve never felt weird talking to you. I like being around you. It’s comfortable. Like hanging out with Troy, only you’re way hotter. And smarter.”

She smiled and let go of his arm when they reached the car. 

He slid into the passenger seat and asked, “Was that... Did that make sense?”

Setting the books at his feet, she nodded and pulled out the keys but didn’t start the car. “You realize you equated me to your best friend?”

He tipped his head. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Do you want to kiss me?”

Chad glanced around the car like he’d find an answer there. “Can I?”

She nodded again and shifted so she was facing him. 

Chad pushed himself up and leaned over their seats. He stroked one of the long, perfectly pressed curls around her face and hoped his hands weren’t sweaty or shaky. He watched her eyes, full of calm and sweetness, and wondered if his gave away how nervous he was. Sure, he’d kissed people before, but this was Taylor. 

Her hand came up and rested comfortingly on the side of his neck. “It’s okay.”

His eyes skimmed her face before he leaned further and pressed their lips together. He closed his eyes and kissed her several times and felt her kiss him back. It wasn’t at all what he’d been expecting, though he wasn’t sure what he expected. He felt more uneasiness and not cold exactly, but strange. And definitely not warm.

After a few seconds, he pulled away slightly and studied her face. “Was that okay?”

She gave him a soft smile and it bothered him that he couldn’t tell if she was disappointed or extremely serene. 

He took a few calming breaths, certain the weird feelings were coming from his nervousness, and kissed her again. 

She kissed him for a moment and then broke away, stroking her thumb across his cheek. “Okay?” she asked, turning forward in her seat and picking up the keys. 

He rubbed his hand over his mouth and sat back in his seat. “Yeah. Good.”

She turned the car on and reminded, “Buckle.”

Chad grabbed his seatbelt and slumped into his seat, staring out the window as Taylor drove him home.


	4. More Than I've Ever Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy unsuccessfully comforts a confused Chad and Chad sneaks off for alone time and play rehearsal with Ryan.

Chad had never been overly fond of Troy’s optimistic enthusiasm, but there were times he absolutely hated it. Troy had been quick to offer reassurances and encouragements to the whole team before their practice. Zeke even gave Chad a pat on the back and told him the next game would be better. Chad scowled at both of them and wished for practice to go quickly. 

After he couldn’t make a basket and failed to steal the ball and almost got hit in the head four times, all he wanted was for practice to be over. When one of the Boltons called for a break, Chad gratefully rushed to the water fountain in the locker room. He took a long drink and splashed water on his face. 

“You know,” Troy said as he appeared in the mirror. “There’s a drinking fountain in the gym.”

Chad exhaled a low, almost growl and wished he had Ryan’s patience. “What. Do you. Want.”

Troy sighed and looked sad. “I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault that we lost.”

Chad angrily spun to face his friend. “How do you know that! I sat out for almost half the game. And I might not be as good as you,” he spat. “But I’m still one of the best. I could’ve done something instead of sitting on my ass and watching!” He paused to breathe, clenching his fists. “But I can’t even think about anything that isn’t… And everything was just weird. It was supposed to be different! Did you know I haven’t even noticed the cheerleaders?”

Troy blinked several times and then went to his friend, placing a hand on Chad’s shoulder. “I suck when I’m upset, too.”

Sighing heavily, Chad said in a quiet voice, “It’s been almost a year and I can’t even remember thinking about... But I spent one day... not even a day, an afternoon. And all I can think about...” Chad stopped and couldn’t bring himself to tell Troy what had been going on in his head. 

“Are you,” Troy tipped his head. “Talking about Taylor?”

Chad sighed again. “Kinda.”

“Did something happen on your date?”

Chad laughed mirthlessly. “You could say that.”

Troy looked at him in that sad, sympathetic way and asked, “Dude, what happened? Did something go wrong? Did you not kiss her?”

Chad rubbed a wet hand over his face then wiped both hands on his basketball shorts and tried to think of what to say. “It was fine,” he said, stepping away from Troy. “We kissed. It was fine. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

Troy looked around, clearly wanting to say something that would help. “Hey, why don’t you and Taylor come out with me and Gabriella tomorrow night? We can pick the girls up after practice and–”

“I don’t know,” Chad said, shaking his head.

“C’mon. We’re going ice skating,” Troy smiled eagerly. “And maybe you’ll feel better with all of us there.”

Chad frowned.

“You will! Come on. We do this all the time,” Troy said, making hand motions for emphasis. “Best friends. Couples. We always have fun when it’s the four of us.”

Rolling his eyes, Chad sighed with annoyance. “Fine,” he agreed and started for the door, but turned back and pointed to Troy. “Just don’t say anything else or ask anything else.”

Troy clapped his hands together and half-jogged, half-skipped out to the gym. “I can do that.”

~*~*~

When the bell rang, Chad shuffled slowly to his locker, retrieved his sack lunch, and made it all the way to the doorway of the cafeteria before he stopped. He watched his friends gather at their usual table – Zeke next to Sharpay and Kelsi next to Jason and Adam next to Martha and Troy next to Gabriella who was also next to Taylor, which left his empty spot next to her– and he couldn’t bring himself to walk any further. 

The last thing he wanted right now was to be around the surplus of happy, gushing couples. In fact, he was seriously thinking he’d prefer class with Darbus or work with Fulton or anything else along those lines. 

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and figured he should just get it over with. Their lunch wasn’t really that long. 

When Chad glanced back at each one of his friends, he realized there was also an empty spot between Sharpay and Kelsi. Before he had a chance to think about where Ryan was, said Ryan appeared in the hallway, likely on his way to group lunch. 

Chad launched himself in front of Ryan and grabbed him by the elbow. 

Startled, Ryan said with surprise, “Hi.”

“Hey, Evans,” Chad greeted and lightly pulled him by the arm. “Come with me?”

“What? Where?” Ryan asked though he had already started to follow. 

“I dunno. Just not here,” he gave Ryan big, hopeful eyes. “Please?”

Ryan looked at him for a long minute. “Sure.”

Smiling for the first time in what felt like forever, Chad wandered them through the school. “So, where should we go?”

“Well, if we’re not doing lunch with everyone, I’m going to the practice rooms,” Ryan said and turned toward the arts and music wing of the school. 

Chad watched for a second and then jogged after him. They snuck past the hall monitors and up the stairs to the little rooms above the choir and band classrooms. Ryan chose the room in the back corner, which he said had the best piano, and pulled a stack of papers out of his messenger bag. 

Chad closed the door and decided to sit on the floor since Ryan had settled on the piano bench. 

“Have you ever been up here?” Ryan asked, picking out the papers he needed and setting them on the piano. 

“Nope,” Chad glanced around and read some of the things scribbled on the walls. “‘Troy Bolton sucks cock’? Really?”

“Not exactly award winning literature, but you know.”

Shaking his head, Chad laughed and looked back at the words. “Would you care if I markered that off the wall?”

“No,” Ryan shook his head and dug a black sharpie out of his lime green pencil pouch. He tossed it to Chad. “I’d do it if it were something written about Sharpay.”

Popping the cap off the pen, Chad stood and scribbled black lines over the words. “Well, that and I really don’t want to think about Troy doing… that.” 

Ryan laughed and turned at the piano bench. He played a few chords and hummed a melody over them.

After finishing his art project, Chad listened more closely and went to stand behind Ryan. “I didn’t know you could play the piano.”

Ryan looked up at him and shrugged. “A little. Not like Kelsi can. If I were any better, Sharpay would always have me playing piano and not... what?” he asked when he noticed the look Chad was giving him.

“A little?” Chad smirked. “Like you got ‘a little’ game?”

Ryan looked away bashfully, light blush coloring his cheeks. “No.” He grinned as Chad sat next to him. “I’m only mediocre with piano. I’m awesome at baseball.”

“I remember,” Chad said, beaming. He watched Ryan shuffle sheet music and wondered something. “So, why did you quit?”

“Baseball?”

Chad nodded and Ryan slowly moved his hand from the music to the piano keys, the glow he’d had disappearing. Ryan shrugged and pressed the keys down, letting a melancholy chord ring in the tiny room. “You want the whole depressing story or the part where I just… didn’t fit in any more.”

Chad’s eyebrows furrowed and he scooted closer to Ryan. “Why not?”

Ryan hummed more melody before he responded. “It’s not a very original story.”

“Tell me anyway?”

Turning his head toward Chad, Ryan took a long breath. “I played on teams where everyone was like me. Sort of. They were all rich and white and... ” he stopped and sighed. “Weren’t very nice. And I liked clothes that matched and bright colors and...”

“Like pink?” Chad said with a quirky smile.

Ryan rolled his eyes, grinning. “Yeah, I liked pink. And I love singing and acting,” he said and turned sparkling eyes to Chad. “And dancing.”

Chad held his gaze, staring adoringly. 

“Anyway, they loved to tell me I shouldn’t have interests in those kinds of things. And what it made me if I did,” Ryan said calmly, looking at his music.

“And your dad or your sister or someone didn’t have them all murdered?”

“No,” Ryan chuckled. “The ones that did it all had status and influence. It didn’t matter that I got called a few names,” he said, voice losing its volume. 

Frowning, Chad felt fiery anger burning in his chest and wished he could’ve done something painful to anyone who had hurt Ryan. “How did you deal with it?”

“Well, I quit.”

“I mean, what made you… how did you decide they were wrong? If you were going to choose, couldn’t you have given up theater instead of baseball?”

Ryan considered it for a few seconds, but shook his head. “No, I couldn’t have.” He tilted his head and met Chad’s eyes. “My heart was never in baseball like it was in theater. And I wasn’t about to give up something I loved just because it wasn’t supposed to be that way.” 

Chad smiled at him, feeling a rush of warmth in his chest.

Ryan slowly smiled back. “I suppose that makes me really stubborn and spoiled, doesn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Chad said, then nudged Ryan with his shoulder. “But I like you that way.”

Blushing, Ryan turned back to the piano with a bright grin on his face. “I’m never going to get anything done.”

Wanting to keep Ryan’s attention, Chad lightly rested his hand on Ryan’s leg. “Something I can do?”

“Not unless you want to run lines with me.”

Keeping his hand on Ryan, Chad thought and before he had really considered what he might be getting into, he said, “I could do that.”

Ryan looked at him in shock, clearly not expecting that answer. He tipped his head, “Really? You... really?”

“Sure,” Chad shrugged and realized he should probably move his hand, especially since it was starting to feel very warm in the practice room. 

“Okay, but the scenes I need to work on most are the ones with the girl who’s my love interest.”

“Are you saying you can’t act like you’re in love with me?” Chad teased.

For a few seconds, Ryan just stared, but then said quickly, “Just warning you.”

“Then where’s your script? I’ll quiz you.”

Ryan chewed on his lower lip as he reached over Chad’s legs and pulled his script out of his bag. Chad resisted the urge to run his hand over Ryan’s back and then waited as he flipped through the pages. 

“There’s this scene,” Ryan said, handing over the script. “If you’re really game for this.”

Chad smirked. “Nervous?”

Ryan’s eyes flashed when he grinned. “No.”

“Okay, then. Your line’s first.”

Turning his body to face Chad, Ryan took a deep breath, closing his eyes for several seconds. When he reopened them, Chad swore they had changed. 

Ryan looked at him without the usual softness, though there was still affection in his eyes. In fact, Ryan’s whole demeanor changed. He held himself differently, more bold and conceited than Chad had ever seen Ryan, which probably said a lot.

“‘You were watching me again,’” Ryan said in a low voice. “‘All week your eyes have been on me.’”

Chad felt his chest tense, feeling the words Ryan had said. He looked down at the script and followed with, “‘What do you mean?’”

“‘Do you think you're going to gain your freedom, just because you've gained my attention?’” Ryan’s eyes trailed down over Chad. He smirked as he said, “‘You are beautiful, but I am not so easily led.’”

For a second or four, Chad wondered if Ryan actually did think he was attractive, but reminded himself to keep on task. He stood briefly and resettled on the piano bench by straddling it and facing Ryan. “‘If I've looked in your direction, it was only to see if your chalice needed refilling.’” Chad grinned after he read and added, “I like this chick. She’s snarky.”

A flicker of a Ryan-smile crossed the blond’s face, but it quickly disappeared. “‘I have no chalice now and yet,’” Ryan paused and met Chad’s eyes. “‘You're looking.’”

Chad felt his heart speeding up. “‘Excuse me, Captain,’” he said with infused sarcasm. “‘But I have linen to wash.’”

“‘I do not excuse you. Stop there,’” Ryan ordered, voice low and strong and not like his at all. 

“‘You wanted something from me?’”

“‘Yes,’” Ryan said with a softer manner, though it still wasn’t quite his own. “‘I want to make your life easier. Tell me how. What can I do for you?’”

Swimming with warmth, Chad searched Ryan’s face before he remembered to look down at the script. He tilted his head curiously as he read the line that followed Ryan’s. “‘Help my people.’”

“‘I want to help you.’”

Captivated by the way Ryan was looking at him, Chad swallowed and shifted his leg so that it was touching Ryan’s. “‘I am my people. And I cannot continue to live in the comfort of the palace while my countrymen are dying.’” Chad paused and commented, “Wow.” 

Ryan nodded, but kept his focus. 

After reading the next line, Chad smirked and delivered it with as much suggestive defiance as he could, “‘You want my affection, captain?’”

Ryan grinned and raised one eyebrow. “‘I can have your affection right here if I command it.’”

Chad snickered and inched closer, pressing his leg against the inside of Ryan’s. 

“‘I want to know,’” Ryan started, but then looked like he was thinking. “‘If...’”

Chad waited to see if Ryan needed help with the rest of the line. 

Ryan licked his lips, swallowed, and then met Chad’s eyes. “I want to know if you feel anything for me,” he said, smooth and slow, heaviness in every word. 

Chad stared, aware that Ryan had dropped every trace of his character even though he didn’t know why.

“‘Aside from contempt,’” Ryan added quickly, dismissively finishing his line.

Glancing down at the script, Chad read the following line, then looked up at Ryan and said, “‘I don't know.’”

Ryan nodded distractedly and carefully snatched the script from Chad. “Thanks,” he said with a thin smile. 

“Yeah, no problem,” Chad replied, uncertain of what had just happened. 

“You wanna eat lunch?” Ryan asked, standing and gathering his papers. 

Nodding, Chad slid off the piano bench and sat in his original spot in the corner. Ryan grabbed his messenger bag and sat next to Chad, though not too close. 

Chad slowly pulled cold pizza out of his paper bag, noticing how Ryan avoided looking at him. 

After two minutes, Chad couldn’t stand it and slid over to Ryan, touching their arms and legs together. Ryan looked at him and smiled slowly, real and sweet. 

Pleased and warm, Chad grinned back and ate his lunch contentedly.


	5. Got Things to Do, We'll See You Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan pines with musical theater and helps his sister get ready for a date.

Ryan watched from a bed of shimmery pink satin as Sharpay walked out of her closet in a fuzzy bathrobe with a towel wrapped around her head and a sweater in each hand. 

“Green with black or blue with white?” she asked holding each one out toward him. “Or maybe purple with silver,” she said as she tipped her head.

He lifted his head from his hand. “What are you going to wear with it?”

She tossed both tops and hangers on the stool in front of her vanity and ventured back into her closet. “Your black ski pants.”

“My black... why are you wearing my ski pants?”

“Because they are warmer and thicker than mine,” she said and reemerged with her grey flowered Henley and purple fleece and held it up with her two other sweaters. “So, which one?”

Ryan rolled his eyes and rested his head back on his hand. “The green.”

“Hmm,” she looked over the green sweater she had paired with a lacy, long-sleeved black shirt. “I’ll have to change my underwear then.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows. 

“It has to match!” She rolled her eyes and picked up her clothes, heading for her closet. 

“Right. Of course. How could I forget,” he said without heart and didn’t even think she heard him before she closed the closet door. 

Sighing, he flopped backward on her bed and waited while she dressed. 

He didn’t expect to do everything with his twin sister – that would be ridiculous and entirely excessive – but it didn’t mean he always liked to be left at home to watch animated musicals while Sharpay went to school dances with tall, dark, and handsome boys.

Ryan just really needed to find his own boy. The only problem was that he had exhausted his search for any potentials in the drama club, dance team, and color guard, so he was running out of options. He supposed he could run down the list of every guy he knew from the choir or anyone who didn’t go to East High.

Actually, the real problem was that the only one Ryan even noticed was someone he shouldn’t be thinking about. If for no other reason than the fact that it hurt to think of what he couldn’t and would never have. 

He and Chad were friends. Ryan loved that they were friends and tried really hard not to think anything else. But he couldn’t help feeling things when he was with Chad. Things that were big and encompassing that just felt right and perfect and threatened to overtake his whole chest. 

Sometimes, he thought Chad felt it, too. 

When Chad smiled at him or gave him certain looks or things that he said... but it had to be wishful thinking on Ryan’s part. To distract himself, Ryan hummed softly, though it turned into singing it quietly, “You are all I'll ever want, but this I am denied. Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned what it is to be in love…” 

He sighed as he stared at the crystals in the chandelier on Sharpay’s ceiling, thinking he was just getting pathetic. 

“‘Written in the Stars’?” Sharpay scolded as she emerged fully dressed in sporty but glittery winter clothes. “Seriously?”

“I was practicing,” Ryan said defensively. 

Sharpay squeezed her pink towel in her hair then pulled it off her head. “You were pining. And you’re ridiculous,” she said, sitting at her vanity. “Come do my hair.”

“I’m not your servant,” he snipped, annoyed with her comments. Even if he did agree just a little.

She turned and looked at him with big brown eyes. “Please?”

He sighed and pushed himself off the bed. 

Pleased and grinning victoriously, she plugged in her curling iron and handed him her hair dryer. He gathered all of her hair and carefully directed the hot air until it was just a little damp while Sharpay searched through her makeup collection and picked out what shades she wanted to wear. 

Once he finished, Ryan picked up her brush and ran it through her long locks. He looked up into the mirror at her reflection. “How do you want me to do it?”

“So it’s pretty but stays out of my face,” she said, selecting makeup brushes. “Oh! And you should put this in it somewhere,” she opened one of the little drawers in her vanity and handed him a pink jeweled hair clip in the shape of a crown. “Zeke gave it to me.”

Ryan held the tiny, jeweled crown for a moment then quickly set it amongst her eyeshadows and lip liners and said, “Okay.”

“He said it’s ‘cause I’m his princess,” Sharpay smiled, twirling gold glitter mascara in her fingers.

“Really,” Ryan said, monotone to cover any disgust.

“Mmhmm,” she nodded perkily, missing Ryan’s disapproving eye roll.

He gently directed her head up and used his fingers to part her hair, reminding himself that he did not want a hair clip. It was stupid to want a hair clip. It wasn’t like he wore them or even wanted to wear them. But he was definitely still jealous of what Sharpay had.

He divided her hair and French braided her bangs in with the top half, leaving a braid dangling over the rest of her hair. 

Sharpay ran her hand over the top. “Nice. I should make you do this more often.”

Ryan rolled his eyes and picked up her curling iron. “Thanks.”

“Can I do my makeup now?”

“Yeah,” he answered, taking a small section of her hair and wrapping it around the iron. 

Sharpay twirled the cap off her foundation, eyeing him in the mirror. “Can you answer a question with more than one word?”

“I can stand here and not say anything if you want,” he said curtly, refusing to look at her reflection. 

“Ryan,” she said with as much concern as she had. “What is with you? And don’t you dare try and tell me there’s nothing.” 

He sighed and unwound her hair from the curling iron. “I’m sorry.”

She smoothed foundation on her face with a foam wedge and gave him an impatient glare. 

“That was two words,” he pointed out, curling another lock of her hair.

“Fine. Don’t tell me.” She set down her foundation and traded it for blush. “I’ll just guess,” she challenged as she brushed faint pink onto her cheeks and nose. “Is he about five-ten with big curly hair, a crazy temper, hate for all things theater, and follows the brainless wonderboy around like a puppy?”

Ryan took a deep breath and glared darkly at her. “No. It’s. You.”

“What did I do?” 

Sighing long and slow, he shook his head, focused on finishing her hair curls.

“If you tell me, I can fix it.”

For a minute, he was silent and stared at her long hair wrapped around the curling iron. “You can’t fix it,” he said quietly.

She huffed, rolled her eyes and went back to her makeup. 

Ryan finished her hair and spritzed the top and the curls with hairspray. “Good?” he asked, putting her hair dryer and curling iron away.

She stopped applying eyeliner and picked up her crown hair clip. “Yeah. This too?”

He stared at the pink clip guardedly, but took it and fastened it in her hair near her braid. 

“You know,” she said. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you had a thing for my boyfriend.”

He looked at her unamused. “I don’t.”

“I know. You’re just pining for the hateful poodle sidekick again.”

Ryan took a deep breath and started to leave, but turned back when he reached the doorway and said with restrained anger, “Don’t. Call him. That. And you’re the one who spends every moment with her boyfriend. I’m not going to just wait around all by myself until you decide you want to spend time with me. I have other friends.”

Sharpay set down her lip gloss and looked over at him. “What does that have to do with your hard-on for Danforth?”

“I don’t have a… why does that even matter? Why do you care if I like him?” 

Rolling her eyes, Sharpay got up from her seat and walked over to Ryan, bringing her hands together and aiming the points of her fingers at his chest. “Because you are too good for him.”

He looked away from her with annoyance. 

“Do you know why?” she asked with insistence. “Because all he’s going to do is break your heart.”

Ryan softened a little. If she was just being protective and concerned, he could put up with it. “Why do you think he’ll break my heart?”

“For one, he has a girlfriend. And if you’re still on your ‘I wanna be friends with Taylor’ kick then there’s nothing we can do about that. Two… girlfriend. He has a girlfriend.”

“Look,” Ryan sighed. “I know he likes girls.”

“No,” she corrected. “I mean, he’s more closeted than you were when we were born,” she held Ryan’s upper arms, emphasizing each word. “And you don’t need to be getting involved with someone who’s just figuring out he swings a different way than he thought. Especially if he decides he wants to try out the blond boy ass and then can’t deal and goes back to pretty girl–”

“Okay, please stop there.”

“Because you will. Just. Get. Hurt.” She straightened and crossed her arms. “And I don’t want you to get hurt,” she added with enough heartfelt sincerity that Ryan considered her words. 

Sighing, he asked quietly, “How do you know that will happen?” 

Sharpay lasered him with knowing eyes. 

“You don’t know that will happen! You don’t know him,” Ryan protested in a stronger voice. “You haven’t seen the look he gets sometimes. I haven’t told you about all the time we’ve spent together. You don’t know.”

For a moment, Sharpay looked indignant, then countered with, “I might not know him, but I do know you. I know you’ve fallen so hard you think you can’t ever get up again. You probably think you’re hopelessly, madly in love with him and want to be that way forever.”

Ryan crossed his arms and looked away, her words stinging more than he wanted to admit. “What about you and Zeke?” he retorted softly.

Her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed. “What about me and Zeke?”

“You get starry-eyed and swoon-y and spend all your time with him and then tell me I shouldn’t do the same.”

“This is not about me!” she made frustrated motions with her hands. “And Zeke is my boyfriend. He’s straight and we’re together and it’s completely different.”

Swallowing slowly, Ryan tried to ignore the feeling of being stabbed through the chest. He looked down at his feet and said nothing.

Sharpay recognized the change immediately and placed her hands on his shoulders, crouching a little to get him to look at her. “Look, Ry,” she said softly but firmly. “I don’t want you to get hurt. He’s not good enough. Just ask your friend, Taylor. He forgot about her and stood her up. He hardly pays any attention to her or anyone else because he’s too focused on himself.” 

Putting her hands on her hips, she waited for a reaction from Ryan, but didn’t get one. 

“He is basketball and sports twenty-four seven,” she continued. “That’s really all he cares about. I know you like him, but you’ll feel much better if you just get over him.” 

Ryan remained silent, not meeting her eyes. She exhaled exasperation and turned to grab her purse and check her makeup. 

“You know I’m right,” she said as she sauntered by him. “I don’t want you to be mopey and pining anymore. I want you to be happy.”

Ryan stayed motionless in the doorway. “That’s not all he cares about.”

She groaned and turned back, placing a quick kiss on his cheek. “I’d stay and try and talk more sense into you, but Zeke is waiting. You understand,” she smiled pleasantly, waved, and ventured down the stairs. 

Ryan waited at the top of the stairs until he was sure Zeke had arrived and had left with Sharpay. Because the last thing Ryan wanted to see was his sister and her boyfriend kissing and gushing over each other. He heard the doorbell ring and Sharpay’s excited shriek. He heard his dad briefly greet Zeke and discuss his basketball skills. He heard his mom tell her pumpkin goodbye and to be safe. 

Ryan even heard Zeke comment on the crown hair clip before they left because Sharpay actually wore it which meant she must like it and he was so happy she liked it. Ryan gritted his teeth and wrapped his arms over his chest, and knew they had kissed and grinned at each other and then left for their date. 

Arms still crossed, Ryan walked down the stairs and wandered into the living room with the fireplace and the library, and found his mom curled on the sofa with book in her lap.

She looked up when he walked over to her. “Hi, sweetheart,” she smiled brightly. “What are you up to?”

He shrugged and sat beside her. 

She looked over him with soft but scrutinizing eyes and then touched his forehead and cheek. “Baby, are you all right?”

Ryan nodded and slumped a little on the couch, letting his head fall on her shoulder. 

Rebalancing her book on her other side, she pressed a kiss into his hair and took his hand in hers.

He closed his eyes and took several long breaths, trying not to cry when she whispered, “I love you.”


	6. Looking From the Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad and Taylor double date with Troy and Gabriella, testing Chad's patience with schmoopy heteronormativity.

Chad stared out the passenger window of Troy’s truck, watching as trees and houses bounced by, and wondered why on earth he agreed to this double date. Sure, they’d done it hundreds of times, but he was so not in the mood for any of it. 

“That was a good practice, don’t you think?” Troy asked at a stop light, rubbing a hand through wet hair. “I think it went really good.”

“Well,” Chad corrected, not taking his eyes from the window until Troy didn’t respond. He looked over at his friend and found Troy with a look of surprised confusion. “‘It went really well,’ not ‘it went really good,’” he clarified.

Troy’s expression didn’t change. “Yeah, I know. Since when do you do… that?”

Chad shrugged and didn’t want to tell Troy that he disagreed with the good practice sentiment.

“Taylor rubbing off on you?” Troy asked with a suggestive smirk as he resumed driving. 

Chad rolled his eyes. “Sure,” he said dismissively.

After a minute of silence, Troy glanced over at Chad and asked softly and earnestly, “Dude, are you mad at me?”

Chad sighed and shook his head. “No.” 

“Okay. Good. So, you’ll tell me what happened to you at lunch earlier?”

Chad’s stomach tightened. He started playing with the handle for the roll-down windows. “What do you mean?”

“You know, group lunch. Like always. You weren’t there again.”

Chad gave him a nonchalant shrug. “I was…” he stopped, remembering the warm, little practice rooms and reading lines with Ryan and how he felt slightly dizzy and rushed the whole time. “Practicing. I was practicing.”

“In the gym? Really?” Troy looked at him. “Did it help?”

Thinking of Ryan and lunch, Chad felt warmth in his chest. “Yeah. It did.”

Troy smiled. “Good.” As they pulled up to Gabriella’s house, he bounded out of the car and to the door. 

Chad crawled over the front seats into the back and saw through the window as Troy and Gabriella kissed at the door, held hands as they walked to the car, and kissed again before he opened her door and went around to the driver’s side. 

Making a gagging noise, Chad stuck out his tongue like he had a bad taste in his mouth. “Is once not enough?” he muttered contemptuously.

“Pardon?” Gabriella asked as she pulled herself into the passenger seat.

“Isn’t Troy buff?” Chad amended with overeager enthusiasm. 

With a light giggle, Gabriella turned as she buckled her seatbelt. “Hi, Chad.” 

“Hey, Gabs.”

“I’m so happy you and Taylor decided to come with us. We’ve missed you,” she smiled sweetly.

Chad looked over at Troy climbing into the driver’s seat. “I’m sure Troy is good enough company for anyone,” he exaggerated perkily. 

“Hey,” Troy interjected as he started the truck. “She’s right. We like when you’re around, too.”

Chad made eye contact with them both and mumbled, “Thanks.” 

Troy and Gabriella turned toward each other and struck up a bubbly conversation as they drove. 

Refraining from any hacking noises, Chad went back to staring out the window. He supposed he could try harder to be as excited about this as his friends were. The prospect just wasn’t very appealing.

“Don’t worry,” Troy said after a few blocks, giving Chad a smile. “We’re picking up your girl now.”

Chad wished he could shoot lasers from his eyes and slumped against the window. 

When they reached Taylor’s house, Gabriella hopped out of the car and walked with Chad. 

“Are you feeling all right?” she asked with gentle concern. 

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry you’re upset.” She lightly touched his arm. “If you need to, you can talk to me.”

Chad rang the doorbell. “Thanks, Gabi.”

Taylor answered the door and gave Gabriella a hug. Uncertainly, Chad looked back at Troy and then at Taylor, then leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Hey, babe,” he greeted. 

She grinned and looped her arm through his. He draped his other arm over Gabriella’s shoulders and walked both girls to the truck. 

“So, ladies’ man,” Troy teased as Chad helped Taylor up and into the back seat of the truck. “Better not try to steal my girl.”

Raising an eyebrow, Chad gave Troy a look and noticed Gabriella was giving her boyfriend a similar one. 

“Jeeze. No sense of humor,” Troy rolled his eyes.

Chad climbed into the back with Taylor and plopped onto his seat. She placed her hand on his knee and he felt nervous twisting in his stomach, unsure of where they stood. Did she want him to kiss her again? Was he supposed to? Or was he supposed to wait for her to make a move?

Uneasily, Chad patted her hand and tried to tune out Troy and Gabriella’s happy chattering for the rest of the drive. 

~*~*~

Ice skating, Chad decided, used to be a fun activity. He loved the feeling of racing in the cold and spinning until he was dizzy. But this watered-down, slow, “let’s hold hands and stare at each other dreamily” was just going to drive him over the wall. Literally, in fact. Chad could easily speed and flip over the side of the rink and be done with everything because it would be a thousand times better than watching Troy and Gabriella. 

Gabi wasn’t much of a skater, so Troy gallantly took the opportunity to always have his arms around her and his hands around hers and they’d do slow spins together, giggling and grinning and occasionally, he’d kiss her hand or her hair and she’d reach up and kiss his jaw and ruffle his hair. 

And Chad wondered what horrible thing he’d done to deserve this. 

Taylor skated up to him and took his hand. “You’re frowning and glaring an awful lot.”

Breathing in the crisp air, Chad huffed and looked down at her. “I just don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?” she asked, keeping a steady pace and skating the perimeter of the rink with him. 

“That,” he pointed at his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend. 

Taylor shrugged. “They’re in love.”

Chad made a disgusted noise. “But all of that all the time? They can’t stop talking about each other. Every other thing he says is about Gabriella. And the kissing and the staring and the ‘I’m not trying to grope you except I really am!’ I mean, trying to get laid is one thing, but they are far too… vanilla, bubblegum…” he searched for a good description. “Cancer-causing saccharine to even try that.”

“What’s wrong with that?” she asked then made a “calm down” gesture with her hand. “Besides the fact that it bothers you. And getting cancer is bad.”

“I don’t get it!” he repeated. “We’re not like that. Other normal people aren’t like that.”

Taylor laughed. “Yeah? Name another teenage couple who isn’t like that.”

Chad raised an eyebrow but tried to think. Jason and Kelsi didn’t qualify – they stared dreamily at each other all the time and often missed chemistry together to pursue other activities. Adam and Martha didn’t qualify – they were always snuggling and using dancing as an excuse to touch. Zeke and Shar really didn’t qualify – they did all of it and more and might even be worse than Troy and Gabriella. Chad went on through every other couple he knew of, though it wasn’t many, but couldn’t come up with an answer. 

Maybe he and Taylor were the ones who were different. Maybe he was supposed to be giddy and stupid over the idea of holding Taylor’s hand. Maybe he should talk about her all the time and always try to kiss her and touch her and all those other things. 

“Chad?” Taylor asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. “You’re very quiet.”

He frowned with confusion. “Are we supposed to be like that? Do you want to be like that?”

She squeezed his hand. “No, we’re good.”

“But…” he racked his head for a way to finish his thought, but couldn’t find one. “I don’t get it.”

She patted his arm. “It’s ok. I’m sure you will eventually.”

He exhaled frustrated and disgusted and resigned himself to the slow, soul-draining loops around the rink. 

“Hey,” Taylor turned to him. “Are you hungry? Did you eat after practice?”

Chad shook his head.

“Come on,” she tugged on his arm and motioned in Gabriella’s direction for her and Troy to follow. “Let’s get you some food.”

Wrapping an arm around Taylor, he smiled. “See, this is why my girl is brilliant.”

Taylor rolled her eyes, but grinned as they skated off the ice. 

~*~*~

Chad stared as they ate dinner, unsure if he was really seeing what he thought he was seeing. And actually, if he really was seeing it, he might need to gouge his eyes out with a fork. 

Troy and Gabriella were squished together on one side of the table, grinning and touching and feeding each other tortilla chips covered in fake cheese. Troy dipped his finger in the cheese sauce and motioned like he was going to put it on her nose, but she caught his hand and pushed it back toward his face. He licked his finger and then kissed her hand, making her giggle before he leaned in and kissed her lips. 

Chad tore his eyes away and didn’t really want to finish his hot dog. Especially considering the likelihood that he’d be seeing it again. 

Taking a long drink of soda to get the bad taste out of his mouth, Chad looked over at Taylor. She was watching Troy and Gabriella with an unreadable expression and turned to Chad when she noticed his gaze. Subtly motioning toward their friends, she shook her head disapprovingly. 

Chad snickered and gave Taylor a smile. Maybe they were fine just the way they were. Maybe he and Taylor weren’t meant to be gooey and nauseating like Troy and Gabriella. He was totally all right with not being nauseating. 

“So,” Chad started in an effort to avoid looking at Troy and Gabriella. “Do you like your books?”

“The ones you bought me? Of course,” she smiled at him. “How’s yours?”

“Wicked?” he asked and thought of the reason he’d bought the book. “It’s good so far.” 

Gabriella shifted in Troy’s arms. “You’re reading Wicked? I love that book! Ryan gave me the soundtrack for the show and the music is so amazing.”

“Really?” Chad perked up. “He hasn’t let me borrow that one yet, but I know it’s one of his favorites. He loves the–”

“Ryan gave you the soundtrack?” Troy interrupted, staring at Gabriella. “He’s giving you presents?”

She glanced at Taylor and Chad, surprised with her boyfriend’s reaction. “Yes? It was an early Christmas present because he knows I loved the book.”

“Oh. That’s. Nice,” Troy said though his tone suggested otherwise. 

Chad was suddenly overwhelmed with defensiveness. “Do you have a problem with Ryan?” he demanded of Troy, a cold edge in his voice. 

Troy looked at him, confused. “No.”

Chad wasn’t sure if he believed his friend and they stared uncomfortably at each other until Gabriella stroked Troy’s arm. 

Feeling slightly uneasy, Chad looked away and was grateful when they were interrupted.

“Hey, guys!” an excited, familiar voice said. “I didn’t know you were gonna be here!”

Thrilled with the possibility of another buffer against Troy and Gabriella’s gooiness, Chad patted the space beside him. “Zeke! My man! Come sit with us!”

Gabriella smiled. “Hi, Zeke.” 

“Hey!” Troy greeted. “What’s up?”

Zeke laughed as he leaned against the wall by their table. “Not much. Just chillin’. I don’t know if I can stay. I’m actually here with –”

“Oh, you found playmates,” Sharpay said as she walked up to them. “How nice.”

Any other time and Chad would be annoyed with Sharpay’s sarcasm, but at the moment, he felt a certain understanding and appreciation for it. Though he couldn’t help but be maddened that there was another gooey couple to deal with. 

“Hey,” Gabriella addressed Zeke and Sharpay. “Why don’t you join us?”

Sharpay looked slightly displeased, but Zeke looked at her with big, hopeful eyes, so she relented. “Oh, fine. We’d be happy to,” she said, exaggerated but almost sincere. She slid into a seat at the table after Zeke did and wrapped his arm around her. 

“So, Sharpay,” Taylor began. “Do you skate a lot?”

“Not as much as much anymore,” Sharpay answered, tossing long curls over her shoulder. “But sometimes.”

“She’s really amazing,” Zeke gushed. “She can do jumps and everything.”

Sharpay kissed his cheek, then turned back to Taylor. “Ryan and I used to partner skate all the time. We could’ve gone that direction and become professional skaters, but there wasn’t enough performing. Three minutes, maybe five minutes and you’re done. That just isn’t enough.”

Taylor laughed, light and quick, and was about to respond when Chad interrupted, “Does Ryan still skate?”

Sharpay looked at him with unmasked annoyance. “Not in years.” 

Chad nodded slowly and had no idea why he’d tried to converse with Sharpay.

She dissected him with her eyes and added, “But he always has liked the choreography side more, so he could probably go back to that if he wanted.” 

She stared at him for a long moment with cold, calculating eyes and he swore they were going to fire shards of ice at him any second. But she went back to chatting with Taylor before that actually happened. 

For a few minutes, Chad watched his friends talking and periodically munching on remnants of dinner, and wondered why he felt so alone. He had his best friends and his girlfriend and, for some reason, he still felt out of place, like there was something missing. 

Actually, especially with Sharpay there, what he really felt was that Ryan should be, too. 

“Hey, guys, isn’t this great?” Troy gestured, addressing the whole table.

“Isn’t what great?” Sharpay asked with an edge to her tone.

“This!” Troy motioned again. “The triple date thing. All we need is Jason...”

“And Kelsi,” Gabriella finished. 

“And Adam and Martha?” Zeke added.

“Yes,” Troy nodded approval. “And it’d be perfect!”

Chad immediately turned on his best friend with a dark glare. “Seriously.”

“Yeah, it’d be, like, a quintuple date. With all of us!” Troy grinned. “Wouldn’t that be awesome? Having the whole group together.”

Chad slapped the table and shot out of his seat. “Wouldn’t that be like any other day?” Chad seethed with barely contained anger. “All of you, all together with perfect paired off couples on one big group date,” he spat.

Taylor lightly touched the cuff of his sleeve. “Chad.”

“Dude,” Troy said softly, entirely confused. “What’s–”

“No,” Chad cut him off. “You know what? I’m sick of this.” He spun and angrily stalked off. 

Reminding himself to breathe, Chad found his way back to the rink and started fast, angry skating. He sped around the ice, trying to cool off, until a figure appeared in his path. He turned and skidded to stop, but ended up losing his balance and falling at her feet. 

“Graceful, aren’t you?” Sharpay said, looking down on him with her arms crossed. 

Aching and angry, Chad clambered to his knees and worked on pushing himself up. “What do you want?”

“Oh, I’m enjoying watching you fall on your ass, so this is good for me,” she smirked.

Finally able to stand, Chad glared at her. “Fuck off, Shar,” he snipped and took off around the rink again. 

She easily caught up and stopped him again. “Ok, first,” she said, pointing warningly at his chest. “You don’t get to call me that. Only my brother can call me that.”

Annoyed, he huffed. “Fine. Sorry.”

She eyed him warily. “Good.” Pushing off him, she slowly skated backwards and motioned for him to follow. “Now, why the outburst at boy wonder?”

He resumed skating and exhaled a low growl. “It’s none of your business.”

“It might be,” she said low and knowledgeable. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

He rolled his eyes with aggravation, but resigned himself to the fact that she wouldn’t leave until she got whatever she wanted. “He just doesn’t think. He’s oblivious to anything but his own little world where he’s king and everything revolves around him.” He glared and almost told her she was the same way to piss her off and make her leave, but didn’t. “It’s not just him,” he skated past her and spun backwards. “It’s all of them.”

She watched him skate and looked like she was going to challenge him with something fancy to prove she was better. “What about them?”

“‘It would be perfect ‘cause we have the whole group and all of us together’ and ugh,” he said, disgusted. 

“That was Troy,” she pointed out.

“I know but it’s just,” he groaned and couldn’t believe he was talking to Sharpay. “He’s your brother. Doesn’t it bother you that they don’t think to include him? Isn’t he one of the group, too?”

She tipped her head, staring at him like she wanted to see through his skin. “You’re all huffy and twitchy because he didn’t include Ryan?”

“Aren’t you!” Chad demanded, speed skating in front of her.

She made a few long, graceful strides and was at his side again. “Why do you care?” she asked coldly.

“He’s supposed to be their friend, too!” he slowed and made frustrated motions with his hands. “And they forget about him. Doesn’t that piss you off?

She looked him over with icy, guarded eyes. “Troy was talking about a group date.”

“So?”

“So, he’s not a couple,” she said evenly, watching for his reaction.

“So!” Chad repeated angrily, spinning toward her. “He’s still our friend!”

“So!” Sharpay countered in her own angry tone and stopped them both. Standing in a corner of the ice rink, she glowered at him darkly and spoke in fierce, low voice. “He would feel even more left out than he already does.”

Chad went quiet and stared at her for a lengthy moment. “He... why?” he asked quietly.

“You figure it out,” she challenged and spun away, skating off into the distance. 

Chad stood where he was long after Sharpay had left the ice. Slowly, he resumed skating, trying to keep up with all the spinning thoughts in his head.


	7. Brighter With You By My Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan goes Christmas shopping with Taylor and Gabriella and plays basketball with Chad.

Gabriella sifted through a stack of clothes and held up a thick sweater. “What about this one?”

Taylor tipped her head and looked at it sideways. 

Ryan’s forehead wrinkled. “That doesn’t really look like Troy,” he commented, walking around another rack of shirts. 

“Well, I’m trying to get him to branch out from blue. And the obvious red,” Gabriella explained, neatly folding the sweater she’d picked up and setting it back on the shelf.

Ryan searched through a collection of dress shirts, thought he didn’t quite have Troy in mind. “Orange is a little too close to red.”

“Plus, orange will make him look even more… orange,” Taylor said, joining Ryan near the dress shirts.

Ryan turned toward Taylor, laughing. Gabriella looked surprised and tried not to laugh. 

“I’m sorry, Gabi,” Ryan said through snickers. “She’s. Right.”

Gabriella sighed, but grinned. “Okay, orange is off the list.”

Pulling a long sleeved shirt from the rack, Taylor showed it to Ryan. He nodded his approval, picking up a light blue and yellow dress shirt in his size. 

Taylor held up the shirt she’d found and asked Gabriella, “What about green?”

“Light, mossy green not blue-green,” Ryan clarified as Gabriella turned and walked towards them. 

“That could work,” Gabriella said thoughtfully, taking the shirt and examining it. She draped it over her arm and continued on her quest. “So, Tay,” she said while looking through green sweaters. “What are you doing for Chad for Christmas?”

Ryan avoided looking at either of his friends, wishing the thought of Chad and Taylor together at Christmas didn’t make his stomach twist. 

Taylor flipped through a few shirts and said lightly, “I don’t know. I’m breaking up with him.”

Gabriella stopped where she was, staring at Taylor with wide eyes. 

Ryan dropped his shirt. After scrambling to pick it up, he turned toward Taylor. “What?”

“Yeah,” Gabriella agreed. “What do you mean? Did something happen? And I hope that isn’t really his Christmas present.”

“No,” Taylor laughed and shook her head, completely unfazed. “I’m not actually going to do it until after Christmas.”

“Well. Why are you breaking up?” Gabriella asked as she went to Taylor’s side. 

Ryan swallowed and felt a horrible wrenching guilt. 

“We don’t have the right chemistry,” Taylor explained like she was talking about a homework assignment. “We work as friends. If we try to be anything more we end up fighting or with awkward silence.” 

Gabriella gave her a sad, sympathetic smile. Ryan stayed quiet, feeling a little nauseous. 

“And it doesn’t feel right when we kiss. I’m mean, he’s a good kisser,” Taylor said, glancing at Gabriella and then Ryan. “But it was… kind of weird.”

“That’s too bad, Tay. I’m sorry,” Gabriella said and lightly rubbed Taylor’s shoulder. 

“But,” Ryan protested once he’d found his voice. “He’s nice and… And smart!” Ryan said fervently and with hand gestures. “And he’s clean and dresses nicely and is all… muscled?”

Taylor laughed. “Yes, he is.”

“But,” Ryan said again, softer this time. “I thought you liked him.”

“I do,” Taylor walked up to Ryan and rested her hand on his arm. “But I don’t want to be with him. We aren’t going to work as a couple.”

Ryan looked away. 

Watching contemplatively, Gabriella pointed to the entrance of the store. “Taylor, your mom is here.”

Taylor turned toward Gabriella. “Good luck on your adventure to redo Troy’s wardrobe,” she said and hugged Gabriella tightly. “And you call me the minute you get back from your trip.”

“I will. I promise,” Gabriella smiled. 

“Bye, Ryan,” Taylor said pleasantly and gave him a quick hug. 

Ryan hugged back uncertainly and watched as Taylor left with her mom. 

“Ryan,” Gabriella started softly, resuming her search for Troy clothes. “Are you all right?”

Breathing slowly, Ryan looked around the store, fiddled with the shirt he’d picked up, placed it back on the rack and then turned to Gabriella. “I know what my sister did to you this summer. I know because I helped her. I didn’t even try to stop her,” he said regretfully. “I don’t think she even really liked him. She just wanted the best of the best. Because Troy’s…the best. But I’m sorry. That you got hurt. I’m sorry for all of it. I’d never,” he paused and looked away guiltily. “Do that.”

Gabriella looked him over with gentle eyes. “So, you do like Chad.”

Ryan bit his lip. “I know I’m the reason he missed their date. But… I didn’t know. Not that I’m blaming Chad, but I’d… I didn’t mean to. I’d never want to hurt Taylor.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Gabriella walked up to him and placed a hand on his arm like Taylor had. “It sounds like they just aren’t meant to be. It’s not your fault.”

Ryan said in a soft voice, “I still feel like it is.”

“Why?”

“Because,” he gave a joyless, almost-laugh. “I don’t want him to be with her. That has to make it my fault somehow,” he said, looking sadly at Gabriella. 

She stroked his arm. “You are sweet and considerate. And just because you like him doesn’t make their potential breakup your fault.”

Ryan sighed and tried to smile for her. 

“Oh, Ryan,” she said and pulled him into a hug, rubbing her hand over his back.

He held her for a minute, then pulled away. “Thanks.”

She smiled warmly. “Anytime.”

Returning the grin, Ryan moved a piece of her hair back into place and noticed someone walking toward them. 

“Hey, gorgeous,” Troy said as he came up behind Gabriella. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Hey!” Gabriella spun toward Troy and out of Ryan’s arms. “You aren’t supposed to be here! I’m Christmas shopping.”

“Hi, Troy,” Ryan said brightly.

Ignoring Ryan, Troy leaned down and kissed Gabriella’s cheek, possessively wrapping an arm around her. “Your mom’s with my parents. They’re all ready to go, so I said I’d come get you.” 

“Oh, okay, but since you’re here, will you try these on?” Gabriella handed him the tops she had picked out.

He juggled the shirts and managed to keep his arm around her. “You’re buying me shirts?”

“Yours,” she pointed to his chest. “Have holes in them.”

“All right, fine. But then we go?” he asked and eyed Ryan suspiciously. 

“Sure,” she grinned and turned to Ryan. “I will see you in a week.” She gave him another hug, but he felt uncomfortable returning it while Troy stared at him. “Have a good Christmas.”

Ryan pasted a smile on his face and waved. “Have fun on your trip,” he called as Gabriella waved back and ushered Troy to the changing rooms. 

Once Gabriella and Troy were out of sight, Ryan’s smile faded. Troy still seemed to hate him and Taylor was dumping Chad, and Ryan wasn’t sure what to think about all of it.

If Chad was going to be single… 

No, that was a bad thought. Even if Chad wasn’t with Taylor, it didn’t mean he’d want Ryan. 

And being the rebound was beyond pathetic. Though that would mean Ryan would get to have him for a little bit. Until Chad decided he wasn’t gay or didn’t want to be gay and ran off and left him like Sharpay said he would. And Ryan had a nagging suspicion that the universe was always going to make his sister right. 

But whatever. It didn’t mean that he couldn’t keep being friends with Chad. 

Ryan slowly walked out to his car, running his hand over the cellphone in his coat pocket. 

He jumped when it buzzed against his hand. Pulling it out, Ryan flipped the cover open. 

bored. miss u. call me?

Ryan couldn’t help the fluttering he felt in his chest. As soon as he reached his car, he pressed send on his phone. 

“Hey!” Chad said when he answered. “That was fast.”

Ryan unlocked his car, balancing his phone on his shoulder. “So, you have your phone, you text me with your phone, you answer your phone, and somehow you can’t call me with your phone?”

“I didn’t know if you were done shopping with the girls! Plus, it makes me less desperate if you’re the one calling me.”

“Ah,” Ryan chuckled. “So, what’s up?”

“Nooothing,” Chad said impatiently. “Wanna do something?”

Ryan smiled and wondered if Chad could hear it over the phone. “Sure.”

~*~*~

From the sidelines of the court, Ryan watched as Chad spun and dribbled a basketball between his legs, twirling and alternating as the ball bounced under one leg and then the other. He ignored the crunch of leaves under his feet and the chill of the air, focused only on moving with the ball. Ryan’s eyes followed him intently, fascinated with Chad’s concentration and skill. And the way his shirt came up when jumped, exposing tantalizing strips of skin. 

With an abrupt stop and a quick movement, Chad shot the ball at the basket and it swished through the net for the fifth time that afternoon. Cheering, he bounded over to retrieve the ball. 

Ryan beamed at him, chest swelling with pride. “I told you that you weren’t losing your touch.” 

Chad bounced the ball a few times then spun it on his finger. “Good thing, too.” He sauntered over to Ryan, dribbling the ball close to Ryan’s crossed legs. “You must have cured me.”

Ryan laughed and looked up with sparkling eyes. “All I did was suggest we take you away from any pressure and distractions. Like the school,” he elaborated. “And your teammates.”

Grinning, Chad caught the ball in mid-bounce. “You’re a distraction.”

“Well, in that case,” Ryan said, motioning like he was putting his things away. “I could leave.”

Chad dropped to the little blanket Ryan was sitting on, letting go of the ball and placing his hands firmly on Ryan’s thighs. “Don’t you dare,” he warned with a smile. “You’re also my good luck charm.”

Ryan chewed on his lower lip, eyes bright and glowing. “Yeah? How’s that?”

Chad shifted, balancing on his toes with his knees bent so he could see Ryan’s eyes better. “You must be. The only time I’ve been able to do this in weeks is with you here.”

“And that couldn’t have anything to do with not being in the Wildcat gym or at practice with everyone watching?”

“Nope,” Chad said, pushing himself to his feet. “It’s you.”

Ryan smiled, slow and sweet.

Chad pointed at him. “You should do that more often.”

Ryan tipped his head. “What?”

“Smile like that.”

Certain he was blushing, Ryan looked down at the script in his hands and almost wished Chad would stop doing things that made Ryan’s heart skip. 

Chad picked up the ball and resumed dribbling, then raced several times from one end of the court to the other. He shot the ball again and it bounced, but made it. “Yes!” Chad pumped his fist in the air. 

Ryan raised his hands and shook them.

“See? I told you you’re my good luck,” Chad grinned and dribbled the ball from one hand to the other. “And did you just give me jazz hands?”

Ryan looked up and smiled innocently. “You even knew what it was. I’m so proud.”

“Yeah, look what you’ve done to me,” Chad shook his head, but couldn’t mute his grin. He ran another lap around the court with his basketball, shot and swished a three-pointer, then pulled off his zip-up sweatshirt. “Here,” he tossed his sweatshirt to Ryan. “You said you were cold earlier,” he explained. “And I’m hot.”

Ryan held the garment like it was fragile and reminded himself not to immediately agree with the “hot” comment. It was far too easy. “I’m… okay,” he said. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Chad nodded with a smile. “Go ahead.”

For a minute, Ryan slowly turned the sweatshirt over in his hands then slipped it on, pulling it close around his body. 

Chad’s eyes trailed over Ryan. “It looks good on you. I like you in light blue.” 

After contemplating just how much light blue he had in his wardrobe, Ryan ran his hands over the sweatshirt, unconsciously caressing the fabric. 

Chad swallowed and wet his lips with his tongue. He dashed for the basketball and raced around the court, executing a perfect lay-up before flopping on his side on Ryan’s blanket. He grinned and propped himself up with his elbow, breathing heavily. 

“So,” Ryan exhaled softly, not listening to the sounds of Chad breathing. Not. “Did you make up with Troy?”

Chad sighed through his nose like he was annoyed. “Yeah,” he said, long and drawn out. “He said he didn’t know why I got upset the other night and he didn’t mean to make me upset and he was sorry for whatever he did.” Chad looked around at the fence enclosing the court and then traced patterns on the blanket. “I said that’s fine. We’re cool. He’s gonna be gone for like a week, so it doesn’t matter.”

Ryan was quiet for a minute and set his script binder aside. “He’s your best friend though.”

“Yeah. So?”

“You’ve been fighting a lot. Or you’ve been mad at him a lot.”

Chad frowned a little and focused on tugging at the laces on Ryan’s shoe. “I just… you know, he’s still my brother. But we’ve gotten so different. I don’t know how. But he doesn’t get it when I talk to him anymore. I try talking and… he doesn’t understand.”

Ryan gazed at him sadly, his chest aching for his friend. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do it.” Chad wrapped one of Ryan’s laces around his finger. “Evans?” he asked softly.

“Hmm?”

Chad slowly looked at him, curious and concerned. “Do you ever feel left out?”

Ryan tilted his head. “Left out of what?”

“When we’re with the gang. Or at school. With everyone.”

After a minute silence, Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel… different sometimes. Most of the time. But I…” he stopped, rolling his lower lip into his mouth. “I guess I do feel left out.”

Chad sat up and scooted closer, looking like his chest might break. “Is it because they’re all paired off?”

“That’s part of it,” he said lightly, trying to smile even if it came out half-hearted. “It’s not easy being the only one who doesn’t have someone.”

“What else is it,” Chad asked in a quiet voice.

Ryan searched caring brown eyes and couldn’t answer. He wanted to tell Chad, but he didn’t want to say it. If anything, Ryan wanted to ignore it. 

Chad placed a warm hand on his leg and Ryan pulled the sweatshirt tight. 

“I’m different,” Ryan confessed. “And I’m okay with being different. But it’s…” he stopped, his voice going hoarse when he spoke. “It’s not like there are hundreds of guys like me at our school. And finding someone you actually connect with is hard enough when you’re straight. It just gets… lonely. Sometimes.” Ryan looked down at the hand on his leg and stared blankly because it hurt to breathe deeply. “I’m sorry. I didn’t need to tell you all that.”

Chad watched him with soft sadness. “Have you ever told anyone?”

Ryan pressed his lips together and shook his head, certain he’d scared any non-straight inclinations out of Chad. 

“So,” Chad said, rubbing his thumbing back and forth across Ryan’s leg. “I’m special?”

Slowly, Ryan met Chad’s eyes and couldn’t help smiling. “Yeah,” he sighed. “You definitely are.”

Chad grinned and reached for the basketball, rolling it on the ground and then tossing it to Ryan. “Here,” he said and got to his feet.

Ryan looked at him suspiciously. “What?” 

“I’m including you. C’mon,” he inclined his head toward the court and offered Ryan a hand.

Ryan stared at his hand and wanted desperately to accept it. “I don’t really play basketball.”

Chad smirked, wiggling an eyebrow. “I know you can.”

Shaking his head, Ryan grinned, sighed, and let Chad pull him to his feet. 

“Okay,” Chad said excitedly as he practically skipped to the middle of the court. “Toss me the ball.”

Ryan followed him and passed the ball. “And now?”

Chad’s eyes sparked with challenge. “Come and get it.” 

Rolling his neck, Ryan shook out his arms and watched as Chad dribbled the ball. He followed the rhythm of Chad’s movements and lunged for the ball. 

Chad sidestepped him and went for the basket. 

Racing after him, Ryan intercepted Chad under the basket and tried to block when Chad shot the ball. Chad grinned, bouncing on his toes, when he made the shot. 

Ryan rolled his eyes and caught the ball, spinning away so Chad couldn’t steal it back. His whole body tensed when Chad came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him instead. 

“Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s cheating,” Ryan laughed breathlessly. 

Chad knocked the ball from his hands and ran after it. “Whups, too bad there’s no ref,” he said, spinning and dribbling the ball behind his back.

Crossing his arms, Ryan quirked an eyebrow. 

“Come on, Evans,” Chad goaded with an enticing smile, tossing his head and making his curls bounce. 

Unable to refuse that offer, Ryan rushed toward him. Again, he watched Chad’s rhythm as he dribbled, and when Ryan swatted at the ball, it flew from Chad’s hands. 

“Hey!” Chad yelped and went for the ball. 

Ryan beat him to it, but Chad again caught Ryan in his arms. “Illegal!” Ryan protested, holding the ball away from Chad. “So very illegal!”

“Don’t care,” Chad grinned, facing Ryan and gripping him tightly.

“Yeah, I noticed.” 

Not knowing whether to be thankful the basketball was squished between them or to curse its very existence, Ryan focused on breathing and not melting into warm brown eyes. 

He swore his legs trembled when he felt Chad’s fingers smooth along his back. 

Chad pursed his lips, looking hopeful. “Will you come to the game?”

Ryan blinked and tried to talk with a dry mouth. “Game?”

“Yeah, Friday before school starts. After New Year’s. Us versus South.” 

Swallowing, Ryan licked his lips. “You want me there?”

“Yeah!” Chad exclaimed like it was obvious. “You’re my good luck. You have to be there.”

Ryan sighed, feeling a little wobbly from the close proximity. “Well, it’s not like I can say no to you…”

Pleased, Chad grinned proudly. “Sweet.”

“Yeah, now what?”

Chad moved his hands to Ryan’s shoulders and turned him around. 

Pressing against Ryan’s back, he directed Ryan’s hands and the ball up. “Now shoot.”

Ryan shivered, feeling Chad’s breath ghost across the back of his neck. With a shaky breath, he wiggled his arms free from Chad’s hands and shot the ball.

Chad squeezed Ryan’s upper arms when it hit the backboard and fell through the basket. “See? You’re awesome at, like, everything,” Chad beamed and took off to retrieve the ball. 

“Glad you think so,” Ryan exhaled softly, and tried to regain composure before Chad wanted him to play more basketball.


	8. My Head's in the Game but My Heart's in the Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chad and Zeke hang out at the Evanses, the Wildcats play South High, and Chad runs off with Ryan.

For the hundredth time that afternoon, Chad pushed against the island in the kitchen and spun as fast as he could on the barstool. 

Without looking up from the fashion magazine he had splayed on the island, Ryan warned, “You’re going to fall.”

“I’m not,” Chad countered, then fumbled for the counter as he lost his balance. 

Ryan’s hand shot out and grasped him by the sweatshirt, steadying Chad before he spun backwards off the stool. Turning to face him, Ryan raised an eyebrow. “You’re not going to fall? Really?”

“Nope,” Chad grinned, relishing in the warmth of Ryan’s hand before it was moved. “You’ll catch me.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, but smiled as he went back to his magazine. 

Chad spun again, but slower this time and called to a blurry Zeke as he went by, “Are you done yet?”

“If you want me done faster,” Zeke said, carefully arranging cookie dough on a baking sheet. “You can help.”

Chad swiveled his seat back and forth and thought for two seconds. “Nah, I’m good.”

Ryan smirked and turned the page in his magazine. 

Chad leaned over toward Ryan, placing his elbow on the island counter. “Is that fascinating?” he asked, pointing to Ryan’s reading material. 

“Mmhmm,” Ryan answered and took a sip of tea from the mug sitting beside him. 

After watching for a minute, Chad placed his hand in the middle of Ryan’s magazine. “More fascinating than I am?” he asked in a playful tone.

Ryan looked at him with sparkling eyes. “You really don’t have any patience, do you?”

Grinning, Chad tried to act offended. “Shut up.”

Ryan laughed and picked Chad’s hand up off his magazine. 

Chad flipped his hand and held Ryan’s wrist, three fingers resting in Ryan’s palm. “Now, what are you going to do?”

Ryan casually let his hand fold, his fingertips lightly touching the top of Chad’s knuckles. 

Chad swallowed, feeling bursting in his chest. Ryan’s hand was soft and warm and made Chad’s own hand practically tingle wherever they were touching. Distractedly, Chad moved his thumb over the side of Ryan’s wrist and almost missed Zeke’s exclamation. 

“Oh, for the love of…” Zeke said as he turned around, removing a sheet of cookies from the oven. 

Chad looked up, but didn’t let go of Ryan. “What?”

“Nothing,” Zeke said and set the sheet on the island. “Here. Eat cookies.”

“Awesome,” Chad smiled excitedly and carefully pried several chocolate cookies off the sheet. “Here,” he said, offering one to Ryan.

Ryan shook his head. 

Chad raised an eyebrow as he bit through half a cookie. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how skinny you’ve gotten.”

Ryan turned his head to look at Chad, completely shocked, then looked back down at his magazine. “That was, like, a year ago.”

“Yeah, I still noticed,” Chad said slightly defiant and again offered Ryan a cookie. 

Sighing, Ryan gave in and took a small bite. Chad grinned proudly and saw Zeke shake his head and work on frosting éclairs. 

Chad again grasped Ryan’s wrist and was about to enforce the rest of the cookie on him, but was interrupted when Ryan’s dad walked in the kitchen, impeccably dressed in a navy blue suit. 

Dropping his hand below the counter, Ryan twisted it out of Chad’s grip. Chad gave him a confused look, but Ryan refused to look at him.

“Hello, boys!” Ryan’s dad greeted warmly. “How’s it going?”

“Great!” Zeke answered, setting down his frosting bag. “Thanks again for letting me use your kitchen. We have, like, no space at my house.”

Ryan’s dad clapped Zeke on the shoulder. “Anytime, son. My girls tell me you’re quite the master chef.”

“Well,” Zeke smiled with a shy shrug.

“So!” Ryan’s dad said, glancing around the kitchen. “You have a game tonight, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, sir,” Zeke confirmed. “We’re playing at South.”

“Oh, I wish I could be there. Too bad for business dinners, wouldn’t you say?”

Zeke nodded, glancing over at Chad and Ryan. 

Ryan’s dad turned and gestured toward all three teenagers. “You boys have a good game. Kill those Tigers!” he grinned, made a fist of enthusiastic encouragement and left the kitchen.

Chad watched Ryan sigh softly and rest his elbow on the counter then his head on his hand, going back to his magazine. 

The kitchen door swung open and Ryan’s dad reappeared. “Oh, and Ryan?”

Ryan let his hand fall and looked up expectantly. His dad started to motion toward his head, but Ryan quickly reached up and pulled off his red fedora. He set his hat on the island and gave his dad a plastic smile. 

Ryan’s dad pointed to him. “That’s my boy. Go Wildcats!”

Once his dad left again, Ryan’s smile disappeared, but he made no move to pick up his hat. 

Chad frowned, certain he should be angry on Ryan’s behalf, but not quite sure what had happened. Reaching over, he tousled blond hair. Ryan grinned then twisted out of the way, shaking his hair out of his eyes. 

Chad smiled and almost messed up Ryan’s hair a second time just to watch him toss his head, and maybe so he could feel the soft hair again, but Ryan’s mom swirled through the kitchen door and he refrained. 

“Zeke, darling,” she said as she walked up to him, shimmering in her navy blue dress, and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “How’s my favorite chef?” 

He smiled brightly. “I’m good, Mrs. E.”

“Wonderful. You’ll be sure to save me some won’t you? Or are all of these going to the team?” she asked motioning to all his fresh baked goods. 

“I’d always save you some,” Zeke promised.

“Aww, thank you. You’re such a dear,” she said, patting his shoulder and walking around the island. “Chad, honey,” she started with a sweet smile.

Chad looked up at her as she rested a hand on his shoulder, too. 

“You have a good game tonight. I’m sure you’ll be,” she waved her hand and grinned. “Fabulous.”

He smiled at her and noticed the way Ryan was beaming. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” she said then turned to Ryan. “Ducky,” she leaned over Ryan and kissed his cheek. “Have fun tonight, sweetheart. Be safe. I love you.”

Ryan grinned the slow, sweet way that Chad loved and promised, “I will, Mom. Love you, too.”

Smiling, she ran her hand through his hair. “Oh, here!” she said and picked up Ryan’s hat, placing it back on and tipping it to the left. “Wouldn’t want you to forget this.”

Ryan glanced at Chad with a grin. 

She kissed her fingertips and touched them to Ryan’s cheek before swishing to the kitchen door. “Good luck tonight, boys!” she said and waved the way Ryan did before she left. 

Slowly, Chad spun on his barstool toward Ryan. “Mama’s boy?” he asked affectionately. 

“Mmhmm,” Ryan affirmed with a proud grin. 

Chad smiled and nudged Ryan’s arm, then dangled the remainder of his cookie near Ryan’s mouth. Ryan rolled his eyes, but took the cookie and finished it as Sharpay sauntered in the kitchen. 

She stopped in the doorway and made a noise of aggravation. “Are you still here?”

Zeke immediately looked up and asked fearfully, “Me?”

Sharpay made a face. “No, of course not you. I’m talking about the hateful sidekick.”

Ryan’s hand connected with the counter. “You call him that or anything like that one more time and you will lose access to my closet,” he warned.

“Oh, fine. I wouldn’t want that,” Sharpay said as she walked up to Zeke and brushed flour off his face. “Considering how many things are in your closet.”

Ryan glared at her. “I’m not nor have I ever been.”

She smiled with dark sweetness. “Wasn’t talking about you.”

Ryan exhaled and went back to his magazine. 

Chad watched Zeke squirt frosting on his finger and feed it to Sharpay before he felt nauseous and turned to Ryan. “Hateful sidekick? Really? Hateful. Sidekick?”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, looking absolutely mortified. 

Chad glanced at giggling Sharpay and Zeke still with the bag of frosting and rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s no ‘Ice Princess,’ but it’ll work.” 

“You’re okay with it?” Ryan asked, shocked.

Chad shrugged. “Eh. Means she likes me.”

“I so do not,” Sharpay attested, standing on opposite side of the island as she waited for Zeke to finish cleaning up. She picked up Ryan’s mug and took a sip then nosily set it back down. “Why are you still here?”

Ryan moved his mug away from Sharpay’s side of the island and told her, “He’s not leaving until Zeke does. Troy’s picking them up before the game.”

“Ugh,” she tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Did Mom and Dad leave?”

Ryan glanced at the door. “Yeah.”

With a wicked grin, Sharpay looked over at her boyfriend. “Fabulous. Zeke? Are you done?”

“Almost,” he said, taking the last sheet of cookies from the oven. 

“Zeke,” she said, inspecting her nails. “My parents are gone.”

“You know, maybe I am done.” He whipped off his apron and hastily checked to make sure everything was off or in the dishwasher. “Bye,” he grinned and waved to Chad and Ryan.

Chad wrinkled his nose and looked at an equally disturbed Ryan. “I think I wanna be sick.”

“Really?” Ryan said. “I think I want to eat all those cookies. Or hide them. I’ll hide all the cookies.”

Chad snickered. “Sounds good.” He glanced at the door and huffed. “Are they always like that?”

“No,” Ryan answered slowly. “They left the room first this time. Probably because you’re here.”

“Remind me to always be here for you.”

Ryan laughed. “Okay.”

~*~*~

When Troy drove up to the Evans’ house in his truck, Chad was nowhere near ready to leave. He looked back with longing at the warm kitchen and the fresh cookies and Ryan still sitting and reading and Chad had to remind himself that this game was going to be good. They were going to win and beat South in their own gym and Ryan would be there and it would be awesome and then he’d get to leave with Ryan, in Ryan’s car, and they’d finish off the last of winter break together. But first, Chad had to get through everything else. 

Troy had already picked up Jason when he stopped to get Chad and Zeke, and while Chad had nothing against Jason, he did have something against Troy getting someone else first. Of course, Jason’s house was closer to Troy’s than Ryan and Sharpay’s, so Chad tried not to be too offended. 

Instead, he stopped Jason from climbing in the back seat and got in before him, sitting next to Zeke for the ride. Jason looked thoroughly confused, but crawled up onto the passenger seat. Troy was quiet while he drove, but turned back into his cheerful self when they reached South High and started their warm up. 

Chad threw himself into the stretches and their quick scrimmage, pretending he wasn’t impatiently watching the students walk into the gym. He bounced from one foot to the other, staring at the doors.

“Hey,” Troy said as he came up beside Chad. 

Chad gave him a quick glance. “Hey.”

“You’re… jumpy,” Troy observed lightly.

“Excited,” Chad smiled. 

Troy smiled back. “Good.”

Taking his eyes away from the door, Chad turned to his friend. “Is Gabi coming?”

“No, she and Taylor and I think Kelsi and Martha are having a girl’s night thing.”

“Ah, cool.”

Troy stared at him for a few seconds. “Didn’t you know Taylor wasn’t coming?”

“Yeah,” Chad said. “She usually doesn’t.”

“Oh,” Troy looked around the gym. “Well, I’m glad you’re excited.”

Chad grinned and elbowed him good-naturedly. Troy smiled, ruffled Chad’s hair then went off to spread team spirit. 

When Chad looked back at the doors, he saw Ryan walk in dressed in white jeans, his red velvet fedora, and Chad’s red East High sweatshirt. Grinning brightly, Chad pointed at him then to a spot on the bleachers just above where the team was. Ryan smiled at him and sat where Chad had directed.

Beaming, Chad spun and faced the court. 

“You ready?” Troy asked.

Practically bouncing, Chad nodded. “Oh, yeah!”

~*~*~

Once upon a time, Chad had forgotten why he hated playing South High, however, all the not so pleasant memories came flooding back. Not only were they good – and not just okay-good, but really-good – they also weren’t known for their sportsman-like behavior. 

It was especially bad when they had a gym full of student spectators encouraging them. And most of South’s team was really tall, too, which was just going to test the limits of Chad’s patience. 

Luckily, he was much faster and could steal the ball and have it at the other end of the court before anyone caught up to him. Even better than that, Chad was totally on his game for the first time in weeks. And every time he made a shot or stole the ball or blocked the ball, he knew Ryan was glowing with pride from the stands. 

Near the end of the second quarter, his team was up by seven points and Coach Bolton had Chad take a break. Jogging over to the bleachers, Chad tagged Zeke who was completely turned around, ignoring the game and conversing with Ryan instead. 

“Zeke,” Chad said, slapping him on the back. “Zeke!”

“So, I know I could take her somewhere or make her something, but I really want to do something special, you know?”

“Well,” Ryan said, noticing Chad motioning wildly and trying to get Zeke’s attention. “Our birthday isn’t until the middle of March, so we have plenty of time to figure something out. And I’ll help you. I promise. But I think you’re needed right now,” Ryan inclined his head toward the court.

“Ah!” Zeke exclaimed and jumped down to the floor. “Be back later. Thanks, man!”

Ryan laughed as Zeke raced by a very vocal Coach Bolton and into the game. Chad rolled his eyes, drinking bottled water and shaking his head. 

“Sorry,” Ryan said. “You get him talking about Shar and the rest of the world disappears.”

Chad half kept an eye on the game. “Yeah, I know.”

“So,” Ryan reached down and brushed a few of Chad’s curls back into place. “You’re pretty awesome.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, beaming with a wide toothy smile. “But only ‘cause you’re here.”

Ryan laughed. “You’re fine without me.”

“Yeah, I’m fine without you,” he tilted his head back toward Ryan. “I’m awesome with you.”

Ryan shook his head, cheeks turning pink. Grinning, Chad went back to half watching his teammates play. 

When the buzzer sounded for halftime, Chad spun and lightly cuffed Ryan’s leg. “See you in fifteen.”

Ryan held out his hand for a high-five. Chad slapped it before running off with the team. 

~*~*~

During third quarter, the Wildcats fell behind and Chad and Zeke were sent in as damage control. Rushing with excitement, Chad stayed on his toes, keeping himself between the ball and one of the tall South High players. 

“Hey, Danforth,” the guy said low near the back of Chad’s head before play started.

Annoyed, Chad rolled his eyes. “What?” 

“Your boyfriend give good head?”

Chad instantly spun to face him. “What!?”

“That must be why you’re with him,” he said and jerked his head toward the Wildcat stands. “He looks too prissy to do anything else. Either that or he’s a total slut.”

Chad’s eyes narrowed. He was seconds away from launching himself forward to pound the smirk off his opponent’s face, but a solid body came between Chad and his target first and then escorted Chad to the other side of the court. 

“Don’t let him get to you,” Zeke insisted, letting Chad go. “Just beat the hell out of South.”

Chad glared across the gym.

“Think Ryan, okay?” Zeke said quietly. “Calm and… Ryan.” He slapped Chad on the shoulder, jogging back into the mess of basketballers. 

Chad looked up into the bleachers and saw Ryan with concern etched on his face. 

Turning away, Chad dove into the game and knocked the ball from the guy he’d been guarding. Zeke caught it and ran to the opposite end of the court, then bounced the ball to Chad who shot a perfect arched three-pointer that swished through the net and put the Wildcats back in the lead. 

Chad punched the air victoriously and felt Zeke thump him on the back and start back toward the other basket. Before he followed, Chad spun toward the Wildcat bleachers and pointed just above his teammates. 

Ryan grinned and gave Chad a quick, muted version of his jazz hands. Laughing, Chad raced off down the court. 

South fought for the lead the rest of the game, but never managed to make a comeback. Troy ended up stealing the ball and passing it. Chad twirled away, made one final shot, and was sure he could hear one joyful voice over the crowd’s cheers. 

With the end score 60-77 in favor of the Wildcats, Chad rushed past Troy and the rest of his teammates and threw his arms around Ryan. 

Ryan tentatively brought his hands up to Chad’s back, but then hugged him tightly. 

“I’m gonna grab my stuff,” Chad said after he’d pulled away just far enough to see Ryan’s face. “I’ll be right back. Okay?”

Smiling, Ryan nodded. Chad ran into the locker room, accepting high-fives and back slaps from his teammates on the way. He rapidly stuffed all of his things into his bag and ran into Troy on the way out. 

“Hey!” Chad said gleefully. 

“Hey.” Troy held out his arms and teased, “Do I get a hug now?”

Chad rolled his eyes and gave Troy a brief, back-slapping hug before starting for the door. 

“You gonna meet us at the truck?” Troy asked before Chad got too far. 

Chad turned around. “No? I’m going with Ryan.”

Troy’s brow furrowed. “What?”

“He came to see me,” Chad explained. “We’re gonna go hang out.”

“But… what about, you know, victory pizza?” Troy said, voice more insistent. “You, me and the guys. We always go out after a game.”

Chad shrugged. “I made plans with Ryan.” 

Troy stared at him. “With… Ryan.”

“Yeah?”

“You were talking to him, like, the whole game and now you’re ditching us for him?”

“Zeke was talking to him, too,” Chad retorted, his eyebrows narrowed. “Why do you have such a problem with Ryan?” He thought for a minute then looked coldly at his best friend. “Don’t tell me you’re homophobic.”

“What? No,” Troy looked at Chad with confusion. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Chad raised an eyebrow. “Look, I’m going,” he readjusted his bag on his shoulder and again went for the door. “I’ll see you Monday.” 

Before Troy could say anything more, Chad left the locker room and found Ryan waiting outside for him. Chad looped his arm around Ryan’s elbow and pulled him toward the exit. 

“Hey,” Ryan said softly, placing a hand over Chad’s. “You okay?”

Chad exhaled as they walked, tossing his head. “Yeah. I just told Troy I was leaving with you and not him.”

“Oh.” Ryan untangled their arms and sighed. “He really doesn’t like me.”

Chad rubbed his hand over his arm, missing the contact as soon as it was gone. “I don’t get why.”

Ryan glanced at him quickly, then walked ahead and down the stairs to the parking lot. “I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m trying to steal Gabriella and seduce her or something.”

Chad stopped. “Why the hell does he think that?”

Turning, Ryan walked backwards and shrugged. “I don’t know. ‘Cause he’s seen us hugging? And we’ve spent time together?” Ryan tried to think of something else but threw his hands up and made a sweeping gesture. “I have no idea!”

Shaking his head, Chad leapt down the stairs with a smirk. At least he knew his best friend didn’t have a problem with being gay, Troy just had no idea about who was gay.

“You know, the last time it happened,” Ryan continued as Chad walked beside him. “I was actually talking to Gabriella about…” he stopped and looked away awkwardly. 

“About what?”

Ryan bit his lip then answered. “About… a guy. And then Troy showed up to take her home and was acting all weird like he didn’t trust me and she hugged me goodbye and he was almost glaring at me but he looked more upset than mad and…

“Man, you are talking fast.”

Ryan exhaled, looking embarrassed. 

“So,” Chad said slowly, trying to convince himself that the idea of Ryan liking someone didn’t make his chest clench. “There’s a guy?”

Ryan swallowed and fiddled with the keys he’d dug out of his pocket. “Yeah. I mean! No. No, there’s no one.”

Chad raised an eyebrow. “No one you want to tell me about.”

Ryan rotated the keys between both his hands. “It was a… hypothetical. Crush. Thing.” He held up the keys, offering them to Chad. “You want to drive?”

Chad took the keys and looked at Ryan slyly. “So you don’t have to talk about it?”

Ryan rolled his eyes, sighing nervously. “Look, it’s not important.”

For the rest of the walk to the car, Chad was quiet, thinking as he unlocked Ryan’s car. “It’s not Troy, is it?”

Ryan’s head snapped toward him immediately. “What? No,” Ryan shook his head, making a disgusted face. “No. He’s not my type.”

Sliding into the driver’s seat, Chad looked over at Ryan as he got in. Chad tipped his head, feeling like his heart was walking a tightrope or standing on the edge of a cliff or something where it might be crushed any second. “What is your type?”

Ryan stared at him guardedly then answered, “Guys who don’t pry.”

Chad rolled his eyes. “Well, usually you tell me things.”

Sighing, Ryan scratched his arm then clenched the sleeves of the sweatshirt he was wearing in his fists. “I don’t know. But it’s not Troy.”

Chad thought about putting the key in the ignition, but again turned to Ryan. “You know I’m okay with it, right?” Ryan looked at him curiously. “The you liking guys.”

“I know. I told you… this summer? Months ago. You’ve never acted like you had a problem with it.”

“Okay,” Chad nodded. “I just didn’t know if that was why you weren’t talking.”

Taking a long breath, Ryan looked away and then down at his hands. “There’s a guy. And I have a stupid crush. But… he has a girlfriend. He’s… And,” Ryan swallowed, twisting his fingers. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, it’s that I don’t want to talk about it. Or think about it. I’m just trying to get over it,” Ryan said quietly, refusing to meet Chad’s gaze. “You know, if I ignore it, maybe it will go away.”

At first, Chad didn’t know which made his chest ache more, but then Ryan looked at him and tried to smile and Chad decided it was definitely that. He might hate, actually, he definitely hated that Ryan had a thing for someone, but he hated even more to see Ryan hurting. Reaching across the seat, he took Ryan’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry. You have me, though. You’ll always have me.”

Ryan’s lip quivered and he closed his eyes, bending his head and twisting his hand away to cover his face. Chad heard him take several shaky breaths and watched Ryan rub both hands over his eyes. 

“Can we go?” Ryan asked softly. “I don’t want to… do this anymore.”

“Yeah.” Chad started up the car and pulled out of the school parking lot. “I’m sorry.”

Ryan shook his head. “You didn’t know.”

“Where do you want to go?”

Ryan shrugged and almost laughed. “We’re supposed to be celebrating your win.”

“Then let’s do that. You hungry?”

“Yeah,” Ryan gave him a small but real smile, and it made Chad’s chest ache. 

“Okay. Then I’m going to buy you dinner.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows. “You’re gonna buy me dinner?”

“Yeah!” Chad said like it was obvious. “You bought me lunch.”

Ryan thought for a minute. “Forever ago.”

“So? I never got to pay you back.”

“I don’t want you to pay me,” Ryan told him firmly. 

“No, I mean. I never got to do something for you,” he glanced at Ryan while he drove. “I want to.”

After a minute of silence from the other side of the car, Chad turned while at a stoplight. Ryan looked at him softly, light back in his eyes. “Okay.”

Smiling proudly, Chad went back to driving. “By the way,” he said. “I love your car.”

Ryan grinned. “Yeah, it’s pretty nice. It doesn’t look as cool as Shar’s,” he said, smoothing his hand along the window. “But the backseat is bigger.”

Chad looked at Ryan and smirked. “Evans,” he said, impressed. “I had no idea.”

Attempting to look innocent, Ryan replied, “You must not spend enough time with me.”

“Well, that I agree with. We’ll have to do something about it.”

“Because we haven’t spent almost all of break together?”

Chad coyly raised an eyebrow. “You’re tired of me already?”

Smiling, Ryan shook his head. 

“I don’t know about you,” Chad said affectionately. “But I’m never ready for you to leave. I always want more time.”

For a second time, Ryan went quiet, but Chad could feel the gentle blue eyes watching him. He heard Ryan breathe long and slow and turned to him once he’d parked the car. 

Ryan pursed his lips, then sighed and met Chad’s eyes. “I adore you,” he said thickly. 

Heart rushing, Chad grinned and nudged Ryan’s arm. “C’mon,” he jerked his head toward the restaurant he’d chosen. “You and me. Dinner.”

With a glowing smile, Ryan gracefully slid out of the car and walked with Chad.


	9. Never Had Someone that Knows Me Like You Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Chad/Ryan all the time. I mean... the boys go on a "date."

Chad watched across the table as Ryan ate his dinner, watched him pick up fries with two fingers and delicately chew each bite, and Chad wondered how in the hell it could be so endearing. 

There was something about the way Ryan moved. Or maybe it was watching him wet his lips with his tongue. Or how sitting close, with his legs almost touching Ryan’s, made Chad have to take off the zippered sweater he had on because he started to get more than a little warm. 

Chad didn’t know for sure, but there was definitely something. He watched Ryan and then he couldn’t stop watching him. 

But the more he stared, the more he felt that something was different about Ryan, and not in the nice, warm way that made Chad feel calm and light and contented. “You’re… awfully quiet,” Chad said in what he hoped was a casual tone. 

Ryan looked up. “Am I?”

Chad nodded and tried to think of why Ryan would act this way. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Ryan dismissively shook his head. “Forgotten.”

Fairly certain that Ryan wasn’t being entirely truthful, Chad took a different approach. “Is something else wrong?”

Ryan shrugged then took a drink of his tea. “Shar and I have been arguing a lot.”

“Why? Because you’re not being her beck and call… guy?”

“No. Well, not exactly,” Ryan said, rolling his fork on the table. “She thinks…” He looked down and tried again. “She thinks I’m gonna get my heart broken.”

Ignoring the vengeful, jealous punch in his chest, Chad swallowed and asked, “Why?” 

Ryan started to respond, but shook his head and couldn’t say anything. 

“You kind of act like you already are… heartbroken,” Chad observed, frowning. Ryan looked up and gave him a plastic smile. 

Chad pointed at him, “Don’t fake smile me.” 

Ryan rolled his eyes, but had the decency to look guilty. 

“Okay,” Chad said, propping his elbows on the table and leaning forward. “I’m going to tell you a story,” 

“Oh?”

Chad nodded and pushed his almost empty plate out of the way. “There’s this boy and he was always really quiet. I don’t think anyone paid much attention to him.”

Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed with concern. “This is a pretty depressing story.”

“No, it gets better.” 

Ryan twirled a french fry, waiting expectantly. 

“He never said very much because he has this older sister who loves to boss him around and say everything for him.” Ryan raised an eyebrow, but Chad ignored it and continued. “Now, our class had to do this stupid play thing where everyone had to be something and, you know, participate.”

“What is it with teachers and participating?” Ryan said.

“I don’t know. So, there were animals and knights and,” Chad thought for a second and added, “And I think Troy was a wheelbarrow? Anyway, there was a part that was a butterfly who comes to the queen and sings to her so she’ll be happy.”

Ryan turned slightly pink. “And?”

“And everyone thought his sister or one of the girls was going to be the butterfly, but our teacher decided to give it to the boy who was really quiet. Everyone thought that he wouldn’t be able to do it or that he couldn’t sing or something crazy like that.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Ryan said with a small smile, running his finger along the rim of his glass. “Shar was so mad. She wanted to be the butterfly.”

Chad laughed. “So, we all got our costumes and did the play and he came out as this bright orange, glittery, winged thing, and then he sang. And the whole class was… shocked,” Chad said with a soft, proud smile. “He had this clean voice and was so dedicated to being a happy butterfly. He totally stole the show.”

Ryan blushed and bit his lip. “I can not believe you remember that. We were what? Six? Seven?”

“Well, a huge orange butterfly is hard to forget.” 

“I suppose it is,” Ryan agreed.

“It’s the first memory I have of you,” Chad said, voice warm and gentle.

Ryan looked at him softly. “It is?”

Grinning, Chad nodded. “For the longest time, I thought of you as this sparkly, orange singing thing.”

Ryan laughed lightly. “Do you still think of me like that?”

Chad tilted his head and thought for a second. “A little bit.” He watched Ryan roll his eyes and turn pinker. “You’re bright and shiny. And don’t let anyone know just how… amazing you are.”

Ryan looked down then slowly at Chad. 

“Until the last second, that is,” Chad continued. “Then you just blow everyone away. Hit them while they’re unsuspecting.”

Ryan smirked. “You still fall for it, too.”

“What? When?” Chad asked with surprise.

Ryan picked up a french fry and brought it to his mouth. “This summer.”

Chad thought quickly and remembered the hot day on the baseball diamond. “Damn! But… you lost then.”

Sighing, Ran shook his head. “My team lost,” he said and met Chad’s eyes. “I think I won.”

Chad breathed deeply and wondered if his heart could burst from his chest. Because it definitely felt like it was trying to. 

“Now, correct me if I’m wrong,” Ryan said after he’d finished the last bit of his garden burger. “But were you or were you not a princess?”

“I was a prince! In… a purple dress.”

Ryan laughed. “I thought so.”

“Hey, I looked damn fine in a dress.”

Ryan snickered and then nodded. “Yes, you did,” he said with a hand gesture. “And I think that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Give me a minute. I’m sure I can top it.”

Ryan laughed again and this time hid his whole face in his hands. “Well,” he said once he could breathe. “That one was pretty good, too.”

Chad shook his head and laughed with him. 

After a deep, cleansing breath, he finished his own burger and then looked at Ryan. “Tell me something.”

Ryan pushed his plate to the side. “What?”

“Anything.”

Ryan glanced around the restaurant. “Um. I love french fries?”

Giving Ryan a look, Chad picked one up and threw it at him. “Seriously.”

“I’m serious!” Ryan giggled and tossed the fry onto his discarded plate. “They’re really good with cheese sauce and milkshakes and all sorts of other things I shouldn’t eat.”

Chad rolled his eyes. “Tell me something else.”

“You mean french fries aren’t good enough for you?”

“No,” Chad shook his head.

“Fine,” Ryan thought and sipped his tea. 

Chad watched him for a minute and then asked, “What’s the deal with you and your dad?”

Looking at him slowly, Ryan set down his cup. “Oh, something like that?” 

“Well, I was curious. About earlier.”

Ryan sighed, looking at the ceiling and thinking. “Dad… doesn’t really know what to do with me. Like how to act or how to… talk to me. He knows how to talk sports with Zeke and how to come to my shows and tell me I did a good job.” Pausing for a moment, Ryan toyed with his unused fork. “He tries to support me as best as he knows how. I’m just not anything like him. He’s all analytical and business. I think I confuse him.” He picked up his drink again and asked, “Does that meet your criteria?”

“Yeah,” Chad said with a smile. “Does he know you’re…?” 

Ryan pressed his lips together and then shrugged.

“You don’t know?” Chad asked doubtfully. 

Ryan shook his head. “I’ve never directly told him. But we don’t really talk about anything. And it’s one of those things that everyone knows and… no one says anything about.”

“Isn’t that…” Chad trailed off. 

“Sad? Lonely?” Ryan frowned at his empty glass. “Yeah.”

Chad let his eyes run over Ryan and wished the table were smaller so he could touch him, reassure him. “But you’re still a sparkly, happy butterfly.”

Ryan smiled when he looked at Chad. Beaming proudly, Chad nudged Ryan’s leg with his own. 

“Okay, your turn,” Ryan said. “What happened at the game?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you get upset?”

Chad sighed with annoyance. “This asshole said… something. It pissed me off.”

“Why would he…?” Ryan asked with concern, his leg falling against Chad’s under the table. 

“So I would get pissed off. Lose focus. I don’t know. If I’m remembering him right, last year he used to say things about me and Troy fucking.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Charming.”

“Mmhmm.”

After staring at him for a minute, Ryan asked, “What did he say this time?”

Chad inhaled slowly. “He asked if… my boyfriend gave good head. And called you a slut.”

Ryan blinked, clearly surprised. “Your… boyfriend? But I wasn’t… We weren’t...” He stopped and tried to swallow the trembling out of his tone. “Why on earth would he think that?”

Chad shrugged.

Ryan looked away. “I’m sorry if I did anything. Maybe if I hadn’t been there–”

Immediately, Chad reached across the table and covered Ryan’s hand. “If you hadn’t been there, I couldn’t have done it.” 

Disbelieving, Ryan gave him a skeptical look. 

“No, listen. I can play the game, that’s no big deal. But,” he squeezed Ryan’s hand for emphasis. “You keep me focused. And calm. And it’s like I can handle anything. Like nothing else is important.”

Ryan quietly stared at their hands. “It doesn’t bother you? What he said?”

“That he called you a slut? Yeah, that bothered me.”

“No, I mean… the other thing.”

Chad thought for a minute and raised an eyebrow. “You giving me head?” he asked with a growing smirk.

Ryan pulled his hand away, shaking his head and looking anywhere but at Chad. “No… I. The… the boyfriend. Thing.”

Chad tipped his head, looking sideways at Ryan. “You’re blushing. Like, a lot.”

“You,” Ryan took a deep breath and swallowed. “Look damn fine in a dress.”

Grinning, Chad felt fluttering in his chest, his cheeks turning hot. 

Ryan laughed and quipped, “You’re cute when you blush.”

Chad’s heart skipped. “I… really? You think so?”

Biting his lower lip, Ryan looked down. “Actually, it’s… never mind.”

Trying to convince himself that he didn’t desperately want Ryan to mean what he had said, Chad asked, “So, the boyfriend thing?”

Ryan nodded. 

Staring for a minute, Chad shrugged. “I’ve been called a lot of things. ‘Gay’ is one of the better ones.”

With a subdued smile, Ryan slid his hand back onto the table toward Chad’s side, letting Chad cover it with his own. 

Squeezing Ryan’s fingers before he had to let them go, Chad asked, “So, you ready to leave?”

“Yeah,” Ryan said. “There’s a place I want to show you.”

“Really? Where?”

Picking up his car keys, Ryan smiled. “You’ll see.”

~*~*~

Ryan drove half an hour out of Albuquerque up and into the eastern mountains, stopping when they were high enough to view all of the glowing city. He slid out of the car, making sure to wrap Chad’s sweatshirt close around his body. 

Chad smiled at the gesture, loving the idea of Ryan being enveloped in his clothes. He followed the other boy, leaning on the front of the bright yellow car. “So, what is this place?”

“Actually, it’s Shar’s favorite make out spot.” Ryan said in an informative fashion.

Amused, Chad raised an eyebrow. “You brought me to a make out spot?”

“Well, I like it, too. But I’ve never brought anyone up here. Especially for that.”

“That’s a shame,” Chad smirked. 

“You have no idea.” 

Chad laughed and elbowed Ryan’s arm, then rested slightly against him. “I’ve never seen the city so…”

“Bright?”

“Orange, actually.” Chad watched Ryan laugh, very aware that Ryan also leaned into him. “So, why here?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan shrugged. “I wanted to show you.”

“No, I mean, why do you like it?”

“You want a simple answer or do you want me to get poetic?”

Chad laughed. “Well, the poetic would be funny. And I’d get to tease you about it later.”

Ryan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “It’s just… quiet. And away from everything.”

“Hmph, that was boring.”

“What, you want me to say it’s… aglow with the light of a million fairies?” Ryan asked with a bright grin.

“If you did,” Chad said, watching the city lights flicker. “I wouldn’t believe you.”

“Why’s that?”

“You’re not glowing,” Chad smirked.

Giving him a look, Ryan shook his head. “I might be a fairy, but I can still… hire someone to kick your butt.”

Chad turned to Ryan and gave him his best smile. “You wouldn’t want to kick my ass yourself?”

“Nah,” Ryan said, inspecting his hand. “I’d have to get my nails redone.”

“Dude,” Chad doubled over laughing, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. You sound like your sister.”

Ryan chuckled. “That is scary.”

Standing up, Chad pressed his side back against Ryan’s. “Seriously though, I’ve seen you glow.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow, but smiled. “Really.”

Chad nodded. “Mmhmm. Brighter than the whole city.”

Sighing, Ryan stared off at the distant lights. “Then you must bring it out in me.”

“Really?” Chad asked earnestly, turning his head toward Ryan. “I make you that happy?”

Ryan looked at him with a soft smile. “You do,” he said simply.

Chad worked on ignoring how much he wanted to wrap his arm around Ryan and instead, focused on the city that seemed a million miles away. “Do you,” he started. “Think about what will happen after graduation?”

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“Do you think it’s true what they say?” Chad asked in a low voice. “That you lose touch with everyone from high school?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan answered and turned his head. “Why?”

“I always thought about it. Or I thought about it when we got to high school. You know, what would happen to me and Troy and the guys. And I guess everyone now.”

Taking a moment to glance around at the trees and the open night sky, Ryan asked, “You… worried?”

Chad thought about it and shrugged. “Maybe. I haven’t felt much like group time, though. Not in ages anyway. Which is weird, isn’t it? They’re my friends and it’s like I don’t… fit in with them.”

Ryan rested his hand on Chad’s arm. “It’s hard feeling like that.”

Chad looked down at Ryan’s hand. “You feel like that, too.”

“Was that a question or a statement?” Ryan smiled coyly.

“Both?” Chad smiled. “When I asked you if you felt left out, it’s this sort of thing, isn’t it? Like you feel out of place and that you don’t belong. For whatever reason.”

Ryan stared at him for a moment, concern and something that looked a lot like confusion in his eyes. “Why do you feel like that?

“I don’t know,” Chad said, emphasizing it with a head shake. “I mean, it’s okay when it’s me and the guys. When it’s everyone, it just feels weird.”

“They are all… paired off? Is that how you described them? That could make it weird. Especially if it’s always been just ‘you and the guys.’” 

Sighing, Chad shrugged. “I don’t know.” Deciding not to think about it anymore, he turned to Ryan and asked, “Do you worry about losing your friends after high school?”

Looking back at the city, Ryan answered lightly, “Not really.”

“You don’t?” Chad turned to him. “Like, not at all?”

Ryan shifted, moving his hand back to his own arm. “Shar is the one I’m closest to. I spend the most time with my family. I won’t lose them because of graduation.”

Chad’s eyebrows furrowed. “But… there’s no one at school?”

“Well,” Ryan said. “Kelsi and I have always gotten along. And I talk with Gabriella – when Troy isn’t around because it upsets him.”

Frowning, Chad resisted the urge to grasp Ryan’s arm or turn him and make Ryan look at him. “No one else you’d want to keep contact with?”

“No, I’d like to keep in touch with everyone,” Ryan corrected, finally meeting Chad’s gaze. “But I’m not close to them they way you are.”

Quietly, Chad asked, “There isn’t anyone you’d miss?”

Ryan rubbed his hands over the sleeves of the sweatshirt he was wearing, smile soft and knowing. After a minute, he tilted his head and pressed his elbow against Chad. “I’d miss you,” he grinned.

Unable to hide his relief, Chad breathed thankfully.

“Come on,” Ryan said, playfully pushing Chad’s upper arm. “You know I would. I meant it when I said I adore you.” Ryan let his hand linger, warm and gentle on Chad’s arm. “You’re my… you’re my best friend.”

Sighing heavily, Chad figured to hell with it and pulled Ryan into a hug, needing him close. 

Chad held him for a long moment, reveling in the warmth he felt all over and inside. When he finally let go, he was disturbed that he couldn’t read the expression in those blue eyes. 

Ryan closed his eyes and covered his mouth as he yawned. “Sorry.”

Wanting to keep contact, Chad ran his hands over Ryan’s arms. “Am I boring you already?”

Grinning, Ryan shook his head. “No, but it’s late, or early, and I didn’t have caffeine. You did.”

“You want to head back?”

“No,” Ryan admitted, fingers smoothing the ribs in the sweater Chad was wearing. “But I think we should.”

Chad frowned, knowing Ryan was probably right. “Fine. But… wait. Do you want to stay with me?”

“Here?” Ryan asked with wrinkled eyebrows.

“No, I mean at my house. Do you want to stay the night?”

Ryan blinked several times and stared at him. “You… want me to?”

“Yeah,” Chad nodded.

Ryan still stared. “Really?”

“Yes,” Chad laughed, light and quick. “I have Troy and Zeke and Jason over all the time.”

Ryan glanced away and wet his lips with his tongue. 

Chad frowned a little. “You don’t have to. If. If you don’t want to.”

“No, that’s not it,” Ryan shook his head. “I just… haven’t done that in...” Ryan bit his lip, thinking intensely. “I can’t even remember. Maybe never.”

Chad watched him, trying to look persuasive. “You want to?”

Sighing, Ryan tried to make his words work. “Yes, but…”

“Then what’s the problem.”

Ryan shrugged. “You’re… sure?”

Chad smiled and squeezed Ryan’s arms. “Yes.”

Sighing, Ryan thought for another minute. “I’ll call my mom.” He held up his keys. “You want to drive?”

Beaming, Chad took the keys and felt like bouncing.


	10. Always There Beside Me

  
  
Chad glanced at Ryan as he drove home, watching as the blond sank further into his seat every few minutes. “You falling asleep on me?”   
  
Ryan took a deep breath and shook his head, pushing himself up. “Not trying to.”  
  
“Well,” Chad searched for something that would keep his friend awake even though the softness that had overtaken Ryan made him even more charming than usual. “Sing something.”  
  
Slowly, Ryan turned his head. “Like what?”  
  
“I don’t know. You’re the one who says car rides are for impromptu concert performances.”  
  
Ryan laughed, light and quick and almost melodic. “Did I really say that?”  
  
“Mmhmm,” Chad nodded with amusement. Giggling groggily, Ryan sighed and then yawned. Chad grinned at him. “You better pick something quick.”  
  
“Okay.” Ryan yawned again and attested, “That was so I can sing.”  
  
“Sure it was.”  
  
“Shush.” Ryan tilted his head thoughtfully then straightened in his seat and sang, “ _I once knew all the answers. I stood on certain ground._ ”  
  
“Really?” Chad teased.   
  
“Yes. _A picture of true happiness. A confidence so,_ ” he turned toward Chad, tossing his head in a haughty fashion. “ _Effortless. No brighter could be found._ ”  
  
“See, you do glow.”  
  
Ryan laughed. “You’re distracting me. Stop it,” he instructed, waving his hand and touching Chad’s shoulder lightly.  
  
“Okay, sorry. Keep going.”  
  
“ _I never asked the questions that trouble me today._ ”  
  
Taking his eyes from the road, Chad glanced at Ryan.  
  
“ _I knew all there was to know. Love worn lightly, put on show._ ” Ryan shifted toward Chad, quirking his eyebrow suggestively and making a broad sweeping gesture, “ _My conquests on display._ ”  
  
Chad snickered and reminded himself to ask Ryan about his “conquests” later.  
  
“ _And who’d have thought that confidence could die. Not me._ ” Ryan shook his head, smiling as he repeated, “ _Not me._ ”  
  
“That the name of the song?” Chad asked.   
  
Ryan nodded quickly. “ _That all I took for granted was a lie. Not me. Not me._ ” Taking a breath, Ryan infused his last line with embellished emotion, “ _And who’d have guessed I’d throw my world away to be with someone I’m afraid will say, ‘not me’._ ”  
  
Chad looked over at him. “That sounds like a sad song.”  
  
“It’s not in context with the show,” Ryan smiled softly, tossing his head exaggeratedly.   
  
“Which show? And oh, my god, did I really just ask that?”  
  
Ryan giggled, light and sleepily. “Yes, you did,” he said proudly. “And the one we’re doing next month.”  
  
Chad sighed, feeling warm all over when Ryan laughed. “Ah. So, give me context.”  
  
Ryan tipped his head, then gave Chad a smirk. “Is that like giving you head?”  
  
Chad’s eyes went wide and he looked at Ryan, shocked. “Dude. You’re, like, drunk when you’re sleepy.”  
  
Ryan smiled innocently and shrugged. “Okay, so, context.” He took a deep breath and yawned again. “Sorry. So, he’s realizing he’s in love with this woman and looking at everything differently because of her. She turned his world upside down so he’s figuring out how to deal with being in love with her.”  
  
“But he thinks she doesn’t love him.”  
  
“He’s worried about it, but she does,” Ryan said, smiling distantly. “In the song after that one, he tells her he loves her and that even though everything is going to try and keep them apart, even though they’re not supposed to be together and everything is so complicated, he still wants to be with her. He’d wait forever for when he could be with her.”  
  
Chad thought quietly, wondering about Ryan, wondering if Ryan felt that way. “I never knew you were such a…”  
  
“Sap?”   
  
“Well, I was gonna say ‘romantic’ but…”  
  
“Close enough,” Ryan said, then giggled sleepily. “I like this one, though. This show. This story. It was actually my choice. Well, I convinced everyone that we should do this show. Since we’re doing a Kelsi musical in the spring. It was easy, actually, because Shar was born to play Amneris, the princess, so she agreed with me right from the start.”  
  
Sighing contentedly, Chad shook his head and wished he could spend more time around talkative, sleepy Ryan. “Sing me your song again,” Chad said. “I promise I’ll be quiet.”  
  
Taking another long, sleepy breath, Ryan repeated his section. Chad listened carefully, taking in Ryan’s expressive voice, and grew more certain that there was a reason Ryan chose that song.  
  
Once he was finished, Ryan waved his hand excitedly, “Oh, oh, there’s more! He has another verse.”  
  
“Go for it, drama boy,” Chad encouraged with amusement. “I like your voice.”  
  
Beaming, Ryan sang, “ _Who’d have thought our love could be so good. My secrets and my passions understood. And who’d have guessed I’d throw my world away to be with someone ‘til my dying day._ ” Ryan turned to Chad and finished, “ _Not me._ ”  
  
Chad smiled at him. “You really are a… sap.”  
  
Ryan laughed then tossed his head. “I didn’t write the song.”  
  
“You just like to sing it.”  
  
“Hey, you like to get all touchy and sweaty with… other guys,” Ryan said, waving a hand and pointing at Chad. “And in front of hundreds of people.”  
  
Chad raised an eyebrow. “And your point?”  
  
Biting his lip, Ryan looked up thoughtfully. “Um. I think I lost it.”  
  
“Around ‘touchy and sweaty’?”  
  
“Yeah, that did it,” Ryan grinned, cheeks slightly rosy.  
  
Chad licked his lips. “Remind me to get you drunk someday.”  
  
“Oh, no,” Ryan said, motioning with both hands. “No, no. If I’m like this when I’m tired, I don’t want to know what I’d be like drunk.”  
  
Chad laughed. “I wanna know what you’d be like.”  
  
“You wanna get me drunk?” Ryan’s eyes widened. “You know, it’s really. Not necessary,” Ryan said and blushed bright pink when he laughed.  
  
Chad looked away from the road. “Okay, I don’t know how, but I’m pretty sure that was dirty.”  
  
Ryan covered his face then ran his fingers over his mouth. “A little.”  
  
Chad swallowed hard and almost missed the driveway to his house.  
  
He led Ryan quietly through the front door and up to his room and pushed everything off his bed.   
  
Ryan stood at the door with his arms crossed. “Do you… would you mind if I borrowed some clothes?”  
  
Chad looked up, snickering lightly. “No. You’re wearing some now,” he said and inclined his head.   
  
Ryan pointed to Chad’s chest and tipped his head. “You stole my sweater.”  
  
Chad ran his hand down his chest. “Yeah, it’s warm. And smells like you.”  
  
Light flickered in Ryan’s eyes. “I hope that’s a good thing.”  
  
“It’s a good thing,” he grinned. “You smell all clean and…”  
  
“Fruity?”  
  
“Flowery, actually,” Chad said, pawing through his dresser, amused when Ryan rolled his eyes. “Here,” he tossed Ryan a pair of plaid pants and a light blue t-shirt.   
  
Ryan held it up to his chest. “‘Where’s the after party’?” Chad shrugged. Ryan draped the clothes over his arm, smiling at Chad. “I like it.”  
  
“Good,” Chad said and dug pajamas out for himself. “I’m gonna take a quick shower. I would have after the game, but… I wanted to leave with you.”  
  
Ryan looked at him softly, eyes glowing. “Okay. I’ll be fine,” he assured with a hand wave.  
  
Chad pointed to him. “Ten minutes.”  
  
“Eh,” Ryan turned toward Chad’s desk. “Take fifteen and jerk off.”  
  
Chad stumbled on his way to the door. “What?”  
  
“Nothing,” Ryan said quickly, biting his lip.  
  
Watching him blush, Chad’s heart skipped then sped up. He swallowed as he left for his shower.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad would be lying if he said he’d never thought about it. Sure, he’d thought about it. Sex was sex, and he hadn’t gotten any from anyone so, yeah, he’d thought some things. But as far as he was concerned, it didn’t mean anything. People had fantasies. And dreams and they didn’t mean anything. Maybe certain people thought they meant something, but it didn’t to him.   
  
It wasn’t that he thought it was wrong, he just never thought it was him. Chad had never even considered that he really was or could be or anything like that.  
  
Everyone had thoughts and sometimes they were about friends. It happened when you were close to someone. At least, that was what he’d always been told. A few random thoughts about kissing one of your friends didn’t mean anything.   
  
But if all Chad wanted to do was maybe kiss Ryan a little, or even just try a few things that involved nakedness and touching, then maybe Chad would still believe that those thoughts meant nothing.   
  
But there was obviously something different about Ryan.   
  
Chad stopped in the doorway to his room, clean and redressed and toweling down his hair, and stared at his bed.  
  
Ryan was lying on his side on Chad’s bed, dressed in the pajamas Chad had given him with one arm curled under his head and blond hair spilling onto dark blue sheets. His eyes were closed and his chest rose and fell with every slow, steady breath.   
  
Chad knew he wanted more than the kissing and the nakedness from Ryan. He wanted Ryan asleep in his bed, in his clothes, after being giggly and flirty and sleep-drunk, and Chad never, ever wanted to not have that.   
  
He closed his bedroom door quietly but heard Ryan inhale sharply. When Chad turned, he saw Ryan open sleepy eyes.   
  
Rubbing his face, Ryan started to sit up. “Sorry,” he slurred. “Um. I can sleep on… on a couch. If you want.”  
  
Chad quickly went to him, pressing firmly on Ryan’s shoulder. “You stay right there.”  
  
Ryan hummed and gratefully sank back onto the bed, letting his eyes slip closed.   
  
Chad sighed, his chest feeling heavy and full. He flicked off the lamp on his nightstand, tugged at the blankets at the foot of his bed and pulled them over Ryan before sliding in beside him. He heard Ryan make a contented, almost purring noise and he stared into the darkness until he could see Ryan with the lights from the street.   
  
“You smell good,” Ryan said softly, eyes still closed. “Coconut-y.”  
  
“My conditioner stuff.”  
  
Ryan smiled. “I love your hair,” he said, voice thick with drowsiness.  
  
Chad laughed, light and quiet, and reached out, brushing hair off Ryan’s forehead. “Yours is good, too.”  
  
Humming, Ryan turned his face into Chad’s palm. “Tell me something.”  
  
“What?”   
  
“Something you’ve never told anyone.”  
  
“I tell you a lot of things I’ve never told anyone,” Chad said quietly, running his fingers through blond hair.  
  
Smiling soft and proud, Ryan requested, “Tell me another one.”  
  
“Okay,” Chad whispered, unsure if Ryan was even going to be awake for a whole story. “When I was twelve, I had this friend named Carlos. He was on my baseball team and lived here for like two years.”  
  
Ryan nodded slowly, nuzzling into the hand in his hair.   
  
“The summer before he moved, we were… pretty inseparable. It made Troy crazy jealous,” he said, studying Ryan’s face. “So, um, the day before he left, I went to say goodbye, you know, and,” Chad swallowed and stopped moving his hand. “I kissed him.”  
  
Ryan opened his eyes. “You kissed him?”   
  
“Yeah,” Chad shrugged. “It was quick and kinda… bad. I didn’t know why I did it, but I never saw him again so it didn’t matter.” He watched Ryan, trying to gauge his reaction, and wasn’t sure if Ryan was hurt or jealous or surprised or anything. “I never even told Troy that one.”  
  
Ryan almost smiled, but was busy pressing his lips together and fighting droopy eyelids. “Do you think,” he started softly. “You had a crush on him?”  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe?”  
  
Ryan nodded a little.   
  
“Evans?” he asked and received a small inquisitive sound. “You ever… been in love?”  
  
Ryan sighed, blinking slowly as he whispered, “Yeah.”  
  
“What was it like?”  
  
“Grand slam first time out of the box?” he said with a quiet giggle, then let his eyes fall closed. “Um, it’s like. Being surrounded by something warm and soft. But strong. Like wearing your sweatshirt. And you feel protected and,” he searched for a word and smiled, again nuzzling into Chad’s hand. “Beautiful. And it’s like… weight in my chest, like there’s overflowing. And,” Ryan licked his lips, speaking low and thick. “It hurts sometimes because it’s just. So much.”  
  
Chad gently stroked Ryan’s hair. “It hurts? Even when he loves you?”  
  
“I… I don’t know.”  
  
Chad’s brow furrowed. “You don’t?”  
  
Ryan shook his head and breathed softly, “Haven’t been loved back.”  
  
Chad stared at him and couldn’t even begin to manage the ache that he felt.   
  
He desperately wanted to say that he would love Ryan and did love him and yeah, he knew Ryan had some massive crush on another guy, but Chad would be so much better.   
  
Chad figured that he should be terrified, but all he could think about was how much he wanted Ryan.   
  
Carefully, he inched closer to Ryan and slid an arm around his slim waist. Ryan hummed happily, breathing long and slow as he drifted off.   
  
Chad watched him and idly stroked Ryan’s hair until he also fell asleep.   
  
~*~*~  
  
When Chad woke up, he reached for the other person who was supposed to be there but found nothing. He sat up immediately and worried he’d dreamed the whole thing and Ryan had never stayed with him or come to the game and before he started to wonder if Ryan was actually a figment of his imagination, Chad rushed downstairs to search the house.    
  
He found Ryan in the living room dancing – of all things – with Chad’s little sisters. Ryan would spin or make some kind of motion with his hands or feet, and the girls would try to copy him until all three of them fell down or started laughing.  
  
Chad crept toward them quietly and snatched Chloe, his youngest sister, up into his arms. She shrieked but then giggled and hugged him.    
  
“What’s going on out here?” Chad asked.  
  
Ryan twirled Sofia and dipped her low near the ground before they both turned to Chad.  
  
“Dad’s at work and Mom went to the store,” Sofia said. “Ryan said he’d watch us.”  
  
Still in Chad’s arms, Chloe patted his shoulder and declared, “We _love_ Ryan.”   
  
Sofia put a hand on her hip. “Why isn’t he here more often?”   
  
Sighing, Chad set his sister down. “He’s here a lot,” Chad said, though his sister didn’t look satisfied with his answer. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him.”  
  
Both girls turned to Ryan who shrugged, holding up both hands and looking slightly pink.   
  
“He’s _much_ better than those stupid basketball guys that are always here,” Sofia said.   
  
“He dances!” Chloe exclaimed, bouncing toward Ryan. “Did you know he dances?”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes. “Yes, I know,” he said and perfectly mimicked one of Ryan’s more difficult spin and twirl and shimmy moves.  
  
Ryan’s eyes widened a little and he crossed his arms. “You said you couldn’t dance.”  
  
“I said I didn’t,” Chad grinned. “Didn’t say I couldn’t.”  
  
Chloe dissolved into giggles and pulled her sister down to whisper to her. Sofia practically cackled and sounded far too much like Sharpay for Chad’s tastes. “You’re so right,” Sofia told her sister.  
  
“What,” Chad said impatiently.  
  
“You’re just like Giselle and Robert,” Chloe explained as if it were obvious.   
  
Chad raised an eyebrow, totally confused. “What?”  
  
Before he got an answer, Chloe flailed her arms and tugged on Ryan’s shirt. “Do you sing, too? Can you? Will you?” she asked excitedly.  
  
Ryan started to open his mouth, but Chad shot over to him and placed a hand on his chest. “No, no,” Chad said. “It’s okay. Don’t sing.”  
  
Chloe and Sofia burst into more giggles.   
  
“What now?” Chad demanded.  
  
Ryan bit his lip to hide a smile. “You just. Proved what they were saying.”  
  
“You know what they’re talking about?”  
  
Ryan nodded. “Are you the only one in your family who doesn’t like musicals?”  
  
“Shut up,” Chad said, trying not to smile as he headed for the kitchen. Ryan and the girls followed him, each perching on a chair to watch him. “How long have you been up?” Chad asked.  
  
“Half hour?” Ryan answered.  
  
Digging through the cupboards, Chad asked, “Have you had breakfast?”  
  
“No,” Chloe told him. “Momma was gonna make it when she came back.”  
  
“Well, are you hungry?” Chad pulled out milk, eggs, and bread and glanced at Ryan.  
  
“Yes!” Chloe clapped her hands.   
  
“Okay,” Chad said and turned on the stove and felt Ryan’s eyes on him.  
  
“You can cook?” Ryan asked, dumbfounded.   
  
Sofia smiled brightly. “Chad’s a really good cook.”  
  
“I’m no Zeke,” Chad said, grinning at Ryan’s still shocked expression. “I’m not going to culinary school or anything. But I can make breakfast,” he winked at Ryan then asked Chloe, “French toast?”  
  
Chloe bounced in her seat, nodding enthusiastically.  
  
~*~*~  
  
After breakfast, Chad let Ryan borrow more of his clothes, showed him to the bathroom, and tried really, really hard to not think about how there was a wet, naked Ryan in his shower.  
  
His mom came home and left with his sisters, taking them out for one last fun winter break activity, and Chad beamed as she told him how sweet and polite Ryan was and insisted Chad bring him over more before they left.  
  
When Ryan emerged, Chad had sunk into the overstuffed living room chair, considering… something.   
  
Beaming, Ryan walked up to him. “Thank you.”  
  
“For what?”   
  
“Everything,” Ryan gushed softly. “Your clothes. Letting me stay. _Breakfast._ ”  
  
Chad smiled, thinking his heart was definitely overflowing.   
  
Ryan sighed and said reluctantly, “I should go. Dad has this thing in the afternoon and we’re supposed to be there.” Chad frowned but nodded. “Believe me. I would much rather be here. And with you.”  
  
Chad echoed Ryan’s sigh and pushed himself up. “I’ll walk you out.” Dragging his feet on the way to Ryan’s car, Chad wondered if he should.   
  
Ryan tossed his red fedora on the passenger seat then turned to Chad and hesitantly reached his arms out. Chad immediately stepped forward and squeezed Ryan in a tight hug.   
  
“Thank you,” Ryan whispered into Chad’s hair. “Really. I can’t even tell you.”  
  
Chad rubbed Ryan’s back then pulled away enough to see Ryan’s face. “I’d do it any time.”  
  
Ryan smiled big and bright, eyes a sparkling shade of blue.   
  
Chad stroked a piece of blond hair, watching the way it shimmered in the sunlight. “You’re glowing.”  
  
Blushing, Ryan rolled his eyes. “I’m not.”  
  
“Yeah, you are.”  
  
Ryan shook his head and glanced down.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Chad started, “So… this guy you have a crush on.”  
  
Ryan was quiet for a minute. “Yeah?”  
  
“How much do you like him?”  
  
Ryan shrugged.   
  
“Are you,” Chad said, fingers moving in Ryan’s shirt. “In love with him.”  
  
Shaking his head, Ryan shrugged again and answered tersely, “It’s. Just a crush.”  
  
“Really?”   
  
Ryan looked down at Chad’s hands, then up to his eyes. “Why?”  
  
Chad swallowed then leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Ryan’s. He felt Ryan tense, felt his sharp intake of breath, and when he pulled away, he saw Ryan’s eyes wide open.   
  
When Ryan didn’t move or speak or do anything, Chad slowly leaned in again, lips touching Ryan’s in more of a press than a real kiss. But Ryan’s eyes slipped closed and Chad held him tighter and brushed his mouth against Ryan’s the next time, nudging his lips apart.   
  
Ryan’s breath hitched and his mouth molded to Chad’s in a perfect, real, wet kiss that made Chad tingle and shiver all over.   
  
He felt Ryan grip his shoulders and hold tightly, felt Ryan’s warm breath on his mouth in between insistent kisses, and heard Ryan half purr, half moan as he kissed back. Chad brought his own hands to the sides of Ryan’s face, holding his head and curling his fingers into wisps of hair.   
  
Chad thought he might actually be capable of melting into the pavement as he gave Ryan one last, long wet kiss and slowly pulled away.   
  
Ryan’s eyes fluttered open and he stared at Chad, face flushed and lips dark.   
  
Chad bent his head, stroking Ryan’s cheek with a thumb. “You’re not breathing.”  
  
Ryan looked down with a nervous smile, taking trembly breaths. He swallowed hard, meeting Chad’s eyes. “I didn’t… think… that you…”  
  
Chad smiled and kissed Ryan again, deep and quick and when he pulled away, Ryan grinned. Then lightly cuffed Chad’s shoulder.   
  
“You do this when I have to leave?” Ryan scolded.  
  
“Sorry,” Chad beamed and gave him what he hoped was a charming smile. “I’ll see you Monday.”  
  
Shaking his head, Ryan chewed on his lower lip. “Okay.”   
  
Chad reluctantly stepped away and let Ryan get into his car then watched him drive away. It was a long moment before Chad convinced himself to go back inside. Still buzzing with warmth, he walked up the driveway and thought he’d made a pretty good argument against Ryan liking whatever guy he had a crush on.


	11. Creating Space Between Us 'Til We're Separate Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharpay talks to Chad and Troy talks to Ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For descriptions and a list of the songs Ryan mentions visit - http://jenwyns-fics.livejournal.com/22274.html :)

Ryan twirled as he walked through the front door, keeping time with the melody in his head. He hummed as he danced into the kitchen and took a bottle of iced tea from the refrigerator.

Sharpay looked up from the plate of Zeke’s cookies she’d been casually snitching. She tilted her head and eyed him critically. “What are you humming?” she asked, disdain slipping into her voice.

He grinned, twirled the cap off his drink, and sang for her, “ _Goodbye until tomorrow. Goodbye ‘til I recall how to breathe and I have been waiting, I have been waiting for you._ ”

Sharpay looked him up and down “You know he leaves her at the end of that song.”

Taking a drink, Ryan rolled his eyes. “The first half is happy. And his was the very end. She’s back at the beginning.”

“Yes, I know the show. They still get divorced.”

Smile undeterred, Ryan shook his head. “Fine,” he conceded and switched songs. “ _Never ever felt quite like this. Good about myself from our very first kiss._ ”

Sharpay raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you doing?”

Ryan thought for a second and then grinned. Placing one hand on his chest, he tossed his head and sang, “ _I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss._ ”

“Did you get laid?”

“No,” Ryan laughed and shook his head.

“Okay, then you’re just ridiculous.”

Effecting a defiant air, Ryan sang, “ _I expect everyone of my crowd to make fun of my proud protestations of faith in romance._ ”

With a low, aggravated noise, Sharpay shook her head disapprovingly. “You are corny and high and,” she paused and emphasized, “Gay as a daisy. But if you sing that fucking song…”

Sweet and earnestly, he tipped his head and looked at her imploringly. “ _I need words to tell you 'bout my pounding heart. Four dollar words that make a guy sound smart._ ”

“Oh, god…” She covered her face then started rubbing her temples. “If you start with ‘I Can Hear the Bells,’ I _will_ smack you.”

Ryan took another drink and then smirked. “ _There were bells on a hill, but I never heard them ringing._ ”

Scornfully, Sharpay pushed the cookies away and crossed her arms. “Got another one?”

Ryan looked toward the ceiling, thoughtfully pursing his lips. “ _And it shouts like love and it sings like love_ ,” he waved his hands. “ _So, guess what, my friend, I think?_ ” He beamed proudly, “ _I think I got love._ ”

“He isn’t in love. He’s merely _insane_!” she shot back at him.

“Oh, that’s a good one!” he exclaimed. “ _I feel stunning and entrancing, feel like running and dancing for joy,_ ” he sang, spinning around island and sitting backwards on a barstool beside his sister. “ _For I'm loved by a pretty, wonderful boy,_ ” he finished with a flourish, grinning brightly.

Sharpay glared. “Does this have anything to do with the fact that you didn’t come home last night and are wearing a ridiculous t-shirt?”

“Maybe. And it’s not ridiculous.”

“You said you didn’t get laid.”

“I didn’t!”

Sharpay groaned and demanded, “Then _what_ are you carrying on about?”

Ryan smiled softly, eyes going hazy and distant. “He kissed me.”

She stared at him with an affronted frown. “He kissed you.” Ryan nodded. “What, on a dare? When they won the game? After you got on your knees and… declared your insane love for him?”

“No,” Ryan grinned as he shook his head. “Before I left. And I didn’t tell him anything. He figured it out.”

“Well, you are _obvious_ ,” she snipped, clearly displeased.

“And proud of it,” he tossed his head, snatched a cookie and his iced tea, and bounced off to his room.

~*~*~

While Chad’s sisters and probably every other person under the age of nineteen dreaded the end to winter break and the subsequent start of school, Chad was practically beside himself with glee, wanting and waiting for his chance to see Ryan again.

Forty-two hours away from him was far too much. It was beyond torture. Almost two days apart? Just not cool. Especially when all Chad had been able to do was think about the sweet, minty taste of Ryan’s mouth and his soft lips and the way Ryan felt pressed against him and how he moaned melodically and his bright, beaming smile and his drunk, sleepy giggle and everything. _Everything_ that was Ryan.

Chad’s head was swimming and his chest was bursting and he even let his little sisters put on DVD after DVD of all their favorite musicals because he couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed with something Ryan loved so much. Though Chad was sure hopeless didn’t even begin to describe it.

On Monday morning, he was so eager to see Ryan that he rushed to homeroom for the first time in… ever. But before he even made it through the door, he was intercepted and pushed toward the lockers just outside the classroom. And it would have been so much better if it hadn’t been _Miss_ Evans doing the shoving.

Sharpay got in his face and demanded, “What the hell are you doing?”

His eyebrows narrowed and he adjusted his jacket. “What the hell are _you_ doing?”

“Well, I heard about you and my brother and your little make out session,” she said then tipped her head in a challenging fashion. “Did you think he wouldn’t tell me?”

Chad glared at her and smiled bitterly. “One can hope.”

“Should I describe the various painful things I will do to you if you hurt him,” she said brightly like she was eager to do just that. 

“I’m not gonna hurt him!”

“Really,” she said, unconvinced.

“How the hell would I hurt him? He likes some other guy.” Chad frowned, feeling defeated before he’d even tried.

Her faced scrunched with confusion. “Some other guy?”

“Yeah,” he looked at her like she was crazy. There was no way he’d ever understand women. “He has some huge crush and says you two have been fighting about it.”

Staring at him warily, she thought for a minute. “You know, you’re right,” she said with smile. “He does like some other guy. So, you should just give up and leave. Ryan. Alone. You don’t have a chance anyway.”

She spun, nearly whipped him with her hair, and stalked back into the classroom.

He groaned and shook his head and wondered why _she_ had to be Ryan’s sister. 

~*~*~

While Sharpay spent the rest of the day infuriatingly keeping Ryan preoccupied, Chad tried to think of what he could do to so Ryan would get over this other guy.

True, Ryan kept saying it was just a crush, but he wasn’t the type of person to let go easily. Especially of a person he cared so much about. And if Chad tried kissing him again, he had no idea if Ryan would always be wanting someone else.

Chad was definitely not okay with someone settling for him, especially not if it was Ryan. He wanted more. And had to have more than that.

Once their math teacher finished her lecture and gave them time to complete their homework for that night, Chad started angrily scribbling on his paper.

When he tired of frustrated drawing, he started spinning his pencil on his desk. As he looked up at the clock and sighed, he knew he was being watched.

Troy leaned over and whispered, “Dude, what happened to doing homework?”

Chad looked at him with annoyance. “I’m already done.”

“Really?” Troy said hopefully. “How do you do it? How do you know if it’s the same line?”

“You compare the slope of the line and the y-intercept. Or the x-intercept if the equation has those.”

“Oh,” Troy looked down at his own paper.

Chad raised his eyebrows. “Dude, were you even paying attention to Ms. Schepmann?”

“Kinda,” he said sheepishly and then smiled. “I’ll just ask Gabriella later. I like when she explains it.”

Chad rolled his eyes then had an idea. “Hey,” he started while Troy looked at him expectantly. “What would you do if... if Gabriella had a crush on someone else?”

Troy’s eyes widened in horror. “What?! But she told me he’s... Does she like him anyway?!” he exclaimed, loud and fearful. “Did she say something? What did she tell you?!”

“Troy Bolton!” their teacher snapped. “If you can’t keep your voice down, I will make up a new seating chart just for you and you can sit right by my desk.”

Frowning, Troy mumbled apologies but turned to Chad with fearful, pleading eyes.

“Dude, breathe?” Chad said quietly. “It’s not Gabriella. It’s a hypothetical situation.”

Troy sighed with relief. “Okay,” he said slowly. “So... what?”

“If... the girl you liked,” Chad said with intentional ambiguity. “Had a crush on someone else, what would you do?”

“Oh. Uh. I don’t know.” Troy thought and then looked at his best friend carefully. “You could pay attention to her. Invite her to something of yours. Prove to her that she’s the most important to you.”

Chad tipped his head and wasn’t sure Troy had understood the question. “But even if... she were the most important to you, you wouldn’t be most important to,” he made a frustrated gesture with one hand. “Her. If she likes some other guy, how do you deal with that? How do you know she isn’t wishing she were with him and not you?”

Chad sighed as he looked at Troy and again felt defeated.

“What do you do if,” Chad swallowed hard and looked away. “If she doesn’t want to be with you? And she’s the only thing you can think about. Like,” he turned back to Troy, hoping his best friend would understand since Chad knew how attached Troy was to Gabriella. “She’s the only one you’ve ever really wanted to be with.”

Troy stared back at him with such a pained expression, Chad wondered if Troy were still worrying about Gabriella. “I’m sorry, man,” Troy said softly.

Chad shook his head. “I just don’t know what to do.”

Troy gave him another sad, sympathetic look. “Have you said anything to her?”

“What would I say? ‘I know I’d be better for you. You have to love me instead’?” Chad frowned, tone full of exasperation. “Is that what you’d tell Gabi? If she did have a crush, which she doesn’t.”

“I...” Troy went quiet, miserable apprehension washing over his face. “I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about it.”

Looking down at his desk, Chad nodded and sighed. “I don’t want to, either.”

Troy frowned glumly. “Have you told her you love her this way?”

Chad tilted his head, scratched his pencil on his desk, and shook his head. “It’s... complicated. There are things that would get in the way. I don’t know if... she,” he swallowed the word. “Would believe me because... She just wouldn’t believe me.”

When the bell rang, Chad shoved his things away and quickly told Troy, “See you at practice,” before his friend had a chance to respond. Just in case Troy kept looking at him so dejectedly.

~*~*~

Ryan sat outside the school, dreamily staring beyond the student parking lot. He rubbed his hands over his arms, more to feel the soft light blue fabric of the zip up sweatshirt he was wearing rather than to fight off the chilly air. He actually felt pleasantly warm and cozy. And didn’t even hear when Gabriella walked up to him.

“Hey, Ryan,” she said. “Rehearsal over already?”

He grinned up at her. “Yeah. Just waiting for Sharpay.”

After taking a quick glance around, she turned back to him. “Where is she?”

He shrugged. “Probably making out with her boyfriend.”

Her forehead wrinkled. “And that’s all right with you? To be waiting out here while they’re...”

Chuckling, he shrugged again. “I don’t have to be anywhere.” He smiled and scooted over to make space for her. “How was your Einsteinette club?” he asked affectionately.

She rolled her eyes and sat beside him. “Scholastic team was fun. Taylor and Francesca and I were reviewing derivation for everyone.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Whatever that is, it does not sound ‘fun.’”

She giggled. “It’s calculus and it actually is.”

Ryan made a face, but then laughed. “As long as you’re the one doing it, then that’s fine.”

She shook her head, but looked at him sweetly. “Are you still meeting me on Thursday?”

“Sure.”

She tipped her head, surprised. “I think that’s the first time you’ve readily agreed to studying.”

Ryan laughed and swore she was trying to analyze him while she stared. “I like hanging out with you.”

“Even when I make you do homework?”

“Well,” he said and thought for a second. “I still like you.”

Gabriella smiled, gazing at him curiously. “You… seem very cheerful today.”

He tipped his head toward her, grinning brightly. “Am I usually _not_ cheerful?”

“No, but there’s something different,” she said and then smirked. “Like an extra sparkle.”

Ryan giggled and looked at her with glowing eyes. “I’m just… happy. I feel happy.”

She returned his grin. “Any particular reason?”

A light pink blush crept over Ryan’s cheeks and his eyes grew distant as he smiled. “Maybe.”

Gently, she requested, “Tell me?”

“I...” Ryan started on a wistful sigh, but then said, “I don’t know if I should.”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” she said quickly.

“Well… you’re… Taylor’s your best friend.”

“Oh,” she said and then realized. “ _Oh!_ Did Chad say something? Did something happen?”

Ryan rolled his lower lip into his mouth, attempting to mute his smile. “Well... he,” Ryan swallowed and said softly, “He kissed me. I kissed him. And we kissed. And I can’t even tell you how... _amazing_ it was. It was just,” he sighed again blissfully. “Perfect.”

Gabriella laughed. “Oh, Ryan. You’re adorable.”

“I am? What did I do?”

Patting his shoulder, she laughed again. “You’re so in love. That’s all.”

Ryan blushed but grinned. “I can’t help it. He’s gorgeous and sweet and thoughtful and gorgeous and funny and competitive and athletic and did I mention gorgeous?”

She giggled. “You might have.”

Ryan bit his lip bashfully. “He just makes me feel so. Happy. Being with him, talking with him, watching the way he gets so fired up about things. Seeing him smile. I love it. I...”

“Love him?” Gabriella smirked.

“Yeah. I think I really do. I tried so hard not to because I was sure he’d _never_ love me back, but… then…”

She beamed at him and gave him a hug with one arm. “I’m happy for you.”

Ryan rested his head on top of hers, but then turned when the school doors swung open.

Troy stopped where he was, almost got smacked by the door, but walked quickly toward Ryan and Gabriella.

“Hey,” he said curtly, not trying to mask his aggravation. “Can I talk to you?”

Gabriella pushed herself up, giving Troy a thoroughly displeased look. “Troy,” she huffed. “We’ve talked about this.”

“I meant Ryan,” he said to her, likely more snappish than he wanted to sound. “Can I talk to Ryan?”

Gabriella frowned, warily eyeing her boyfriend. “Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Ryan,” she said, walking down the steps to wait for her mom by the street.

As he got to his feet, Ryan turned to the other boy. “Troy, I want you to know I’m not interested in Gabriella. We’re just friends. I’m… she’s…”

“This isn’t about Gabriella,” Troy said impatiently. He stared at Ryan for a moment before he confessed, “It’s about Chad.”

Ryan tried to look away without appearing guilty. “Oh.”

“Look, he hasn’t been able to say this himself, so I’m saying it for him,” Troy said, nearly shaking he was so upset. “Whatever you’re doing has got to stop.”

Ryan tipped his head with confusion. “What?”

“This _thing_ you’re doing to Chad. It’s just… it’s mean and cruel and you’re messing up his life.”

For a minute, Ryan was too shocked to even respond. “How? What did I…”

“He has a girlfriend! And you’re trying to steal him away or something!”

“What? I’m… I’m not. And… Taylor is breaking up with him anyway.”

“Because of you? Because of something you did?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Ryan protested, worry coloring his voice.

“Okay, fine,” Troy conceded though his tone was still cold. “I’m sure you’re not like your sister. And you wouldn’t disregard everyone else just to get what you want.”

Ryan’s eyes narrowed and he was sure Troy didn’t believe what he had said.

“But if you care about him at all, just leave him alone.”

“I didn’t do anything to him,” Ryan repeated slowly, finding it hard to breathe. “Why would… He’s my friend. Why–”

“Look, I know him better than anyone. He’s worried she’s gonna leave him. Because you’ve got him standing her up and forgetting about what’s really important.”

“But…”

“I know he loves Taylor,” Troy emphasized with finality. “He’s told me he loves her. She’s all he can think about, so I don’t know how you could think he’d want you.” Troy paused, looking at Ryan with a sorrowful expression. “He doesn’t feel that way about you.”

Looking down, Ryan bit his lip and tried to ignore the way his chest felt like it was collapsing. “But… but he… he ki–” Ryan stopped and swallowed. “He told you this?”

“Yeah, he did. He asked me what he should do. And said she’s the only one he’s ever wanted to be with,” Troy said with a gentler tone and then sighed heavily. “I’m sorry he doesn’t have any feelings for you, but if you just leave him alone, then maybe he can fix things with her.”

Ryan stared at the ground quietly, unable to think anything beyond how his whole body felt like it was aching. “He doesn’t?” he asked softly. “He doesn’t have any feelings for me?”

“No. He wants to be with Taylor.”

Slowly, Ryan swallowed again and looked up. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I will. I’ll,” Ryan said and took a deep breath, hoping he’d mask anything he was feeling. “I’ll leave him alone.”

Troy smiled thinly. “I knew you’d understand,” he said and started down the stairs after Gabriella.

“Wait,” Ryan called and shrugged off the sweatshirt he was wearing and handed it to Troy. “Will you give this back to him? He let me borrow it because I was cold,” Ryan said in a monotone voice.

“Sure,” Troy said as he took the sweatshirt and left.

Ryan stared at nothing for a long moment and then reached out for the railing, clumsily sitting back on the steps. He tried to breathe deeply, but couldn’t, and felt colder than he’d ever been.

It could have been hours later when Sharpay finally showed up to drive them home, but Ryan didn’t know and didn’t care. He ignored her chattering, focused on acting normal, like nothing had happened. He didn’t think he could handle hearing her tell him, “I told you so.”

 


	12. Why Did I Let Myself Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan tries to come to terms with what happened while Chad struggles with being rebuffed and finds out why Sharpay is so protective.

  
  
For the hundredth time, Ryan rolled over in his bed and glanced at the clock on his left nightstand. The glowing numbers read 4:18AM, and Ryan reached out and turned the offending clock away.   
  
Normally when he couldn’t sleep, he’d stretch or meditate or _something_ so he could relax, but Ryan couldn’t muster up the energy to try any of it. Every moment he’d spent with Chad kept playing in his head, and Ryan still couldn’t figure out what had happened.   
  
Chad hardly ever talked about Taylor. He didn’t seem like he was so in love with her the way Troy had said. But maybe there were things Ryan hadn’t seen. Maybe he and Chad weren’t as close as he thought. Or maybe Chad just didn’t want to talk about her in front of Ryan because he knew what Ryan felt for him.   
  
Maybe that was why Chad had kissed him. Because he knew it was what Ryan wanted and it was just supposed to be a one-time thing.   
  
But then Ryan didn’t know why Chad would do that.   
  
And it had felt so… _real_. The way Chad kissed him and held on to him and smiled at him.   
  
But the more Ryan thought of that kiss, the more he felt like his entire chest was shattering.   
  
There was a plausible explanation for Chad suddenly clinging to his relationship with Taylor and even for him asking Troy to be the one to say it.   
  
Ryan couldn’t know for sure, but he was fairly certain it was the only answer. And it gnawed at his stomach until Ryan was so terrified, he couldn’t bear to think anymore.   
  
He thought Chad was different. That he wouldn’t freak out like that.  
  
But maybe Ryan’s judgment had gotten all clouded because he just kept stupidly falling. How could he think he had any sort of chance?   
  
The annoying part of Ryan’s brain that seemed to be collaborating with the broken pieces in his chest said because Chad kissed him. Because Chad hugged him and talked to him and made him breakfast and would tell him he was a good luck charm and awesome at everything and that he glowed and...  
  
Ryan had to press the heels of his hands into his eyes because he was _not_ going to cry. Not.   
  
He was also just not going to sleep.   
  
Pulling his blanket tighter around his body, Ryan reached out again and turned the clock. It flashed 4:57AM.   
  
Since there was only an hour before the alarm would go off, Ryan crawled out of bed and decided he could “not sleep” in a warm shower.  
  
~*~*~  
  
During homeroom, Ryan focused on writing in his script binder. If he kept himself busy, then he wouldn’t have to acknowledge that Chad kept staring at him. He couldn’t look at Chad. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he did.  
  
Ryan wondered if Chad was sorry, if he would miss their friendship. But then Ryan wondered if Chad would care at all. The guy had tons of friends. And everyone Ryan knew, save for Sharpay, practically worshiped him.   
  
They did have good reason. Chad was everything Ryan had described to Gabriella – athletic and sweet and gorgeous and passionate, charming, considerate, clever. Ryan felt his chest tighten and tried to shake that melody out of his head.   
  
Instead, Ryan returned to complicating and perfecting the choreography and rewriting blocking that he already knew.   
  
When the bell rang, Ryan attempted to leave as quickly as possible so Chad – if he wanted to – wouldn’t have a chance to say anything. Ryan couldn’t handle an apology for that kiss. Or even one for making Troy break it off on Chad’s behalf.   
  
Ryan really couldn’t handle hearing how much Chad didn’t love him _again_.  
  
Thankfully, Taylor happened to tap Chad on the shoulder, effectively distracting him so Ryan didn’t have to worry.   
  
“Hey, babe,” she said as she took the handle of her backpack. “I think we need to talk. Do you have time?”  
  
Or maybe Ryan did have to worry. He hoped Taylor wasn’t going to break up with Chad. Not now, not here, and especially not while Ryan was two feet away. He didn’t want to know. And he really didn’t want to watch Chad beg her to stay with him.   
  
“Uh, not right now,” Chad said, and Ryan knew Chad’s eyes followed him. “Can we meet later?”  
  
“Sure,” Taylor said with a kind smile.  
  
Feeling queasy on top of the pain in his chest, Ryan walked deliberately and as far away as he could get from Chad and Taylor.  
  
For the rest of the day, Ryan tried to stay hidden and out of the way. It was hard enough appearing normal and composed without having to worry about someone he knew finding out that he felt anything _but_ normal and composed.   
  
He tried, but he just couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t think of anything but Chad and how much he missed him and how much he wished he could talk to him or be with him. If Ryan could look at Chad without his chest hurting, it would be better. It would be _something_.   
  
But it seemed the best he could do was to avoid everyone and hope it would make him feel less stupid and pathetic.   
  
Inevitably, someone was bound to catch up with him. Sometime on Wednesday, Gabriella stopped Ryan on the way to class.   
  
“Hey, Ryan,” she said brightly. “What time do you want to meet tomorrow?”  
  
He stared at her blankly. “Huh?”  
  
She giggled. “Tomorrow? Thursday? We were going to study together.”  
  
“Oh. Um,” Ryan looked away and sighed. “I don’t think I can. I have… Can we some other time?”  
  
“Yeah,” Gabriella answered but her cheerful mood faded. “When do you want to?”  
  
“I don’t know. I’ll call you,” Ryan said and gave her a plastic smile.   
  
She tipped her head, looking at him curiously. “Are you all ri–”  
  
“Yeah. I’ll see you later,” he said quickly and took off before she could ask anything else.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad paced outside of history class and tried not to look as nervous as he felt. It had been days since he’d talked to Ryan, and even though Chad still didn’t know what he should do about Ryan liking someone else, he was going to drive himself crazy if he thought about it any longer. He just needed to see Ryan. And be with Ryan. And he’d figure something out later.   
  
When Ryan finally showed and started for the door, Chad stepped in front of him. Startled, Ryan jumped and took a step backward.   
  
“Hey, Evans,” Chad said, anxious and hopeful.   
  
Ryan swallowed and stared at him for a few seconds. “Hey,” he said uncertainly and tried to walk past Chad.  
  
Chad reached out and gently stopped Ryan, his hand resting on Ryan’s arm. He felt Ryan tense, but didn’t know why. “You wanna have lunch?”  
  
Ryan blinked. “What?”  
  
“Do you wanna have lunch with me?” Chad asked and tried to look charming.  
  
Ryan’s eyes searched his face and Chad wondered why it looked like Ryan might cry. “I… I have rehearsal,” Ryan said.  
  
“During lunch?”  
  
“Mmhmm.”   
  
Chad instinctively rubbed his thumb over Ryan’s arm. “Okay, you wanna do something after school? After rehearsal?”  
  
Ryan turned, pulling his arm away. “I… can’t. I’m busy.”  
  
Self-consciously, Chad retracted his hand. “Dude. What’s wrong?”  
  
Instantly, Ryan’s face changed. His blue eyes turned icy as he straightened and held his head up, looking at Chad with an impenetrable, condescending expression. “Nothing,” he said quietly, voice filled with biting sarcasm as he sidestepped Chad and walked into their class.   
  
Chad remained frozen in place until just before the tardy bell rang.   
  
All through history class he tried not to stare at Ryan, but at the same time he couldn’t look away. Obviously he had done something to upset Ryan. That wasn't even a question. If Ryan hadn’t done some weird evasive acting thing, he still turned Chad down. Ryan had never passed on an opportunity to hang out with him. Unless he did have something to do. But usually, they would make plans for a different time if that happened.   
  
Chad slouched in his seat. Maybe Ryan was mad at him because Chad had kissed him. But Ryan hadn’t seemed upset after Chad had done it. True, they hadn’t talked or really seen each other since then, but it wasn’t like Chad had ignored him. He’d texted and had even tried to call, but Ryan hadn’t answered.   
  
Maybe Ryan was upset that Chad kissed him when he knew that Ryan wanted someone else.   
  
Groaning, Chad sank into his desk and rested his head on the surface.   
  
~*~*~  
  
After basketball practice, Chad raced toward the drama department at the other end of the school, hoping to catch Ryan before rehearsal ended and he left school. But as Chad rounded the corner by the science wing, he heard someone call to him.  
  
“Chad,” Taylor said loudly as Chad jogged by.   
  
He spun and stopped a little clumsily, surprised to see her. “Hey, what’s up?”  
  
“Well, are you running somewhere for a reason? Or do you have time to talk?” she asked, smirking slightly.   
  
“Actually, I…” Chad looked down the hallway in the direction he’d been running and smacked his hands together with frustration before he turned back to her. “Can you wait or do you want to call me later?”  
  
Taylor glanced in the direction his eyes had gone. “No, that’s all right.” She smiled the way she did during class when she knew all the answers. “You find me when you’re ready to talk.”  
  
“Okay,” Chad said uncertainly, tipping his head as he started walking backwards. “I’ll see you later!” he called and pointed at her before he took off down the hallway.   
  
When he reached the auditorium, he found it deserted.   
  
Sighing heavily, Chad walked out to where his dad was going to pick him up. He was going to have to do something drastic and dangerous and totally distressing, but he conceded that Ryan was worth it.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Thursday morning, Chad snuck quietly through the school and perched near an open pink locker.   
  
Sharpay jumped backward a good five feet when she slammed the door shut and saw Chad hovering behind it. “Fucking hell!” she screeched. “ _What_ are you doing here?”  
  
Chad laughed. “You know, when you swear, I almost like you.”  
  
“Well, I don’t any sort of like you. So why are you even–”  
  
“I have Zeke cookies,” Chad said, holding up a small container.  
  
She crossed her arms and glared at him. “You realize I can have those any time I want.”  
  
“Yes, because I have them here and he asked me to give them to you,” Chad smiled charismatically.   
  
After looking annoyed that her boyfriend would dare make her interact with Chad, Sharpay asked without amusement, “What do you want?”  
  
Chad steeled himself and figured he should get right to the point. “I want to know how to make Ryan forget about this other guy.”  
  
She groaned and started to turn away.   
  
He dashed in front of her and stopped her. “Look, he says you keep fighting about it and I know I’d be better for him. I just don’t know,” he exhaled and wished for more strength because admitting it made him feel beyond vulnerable. “How to make him want me and not someone else.”  
  
Aggravated, Sharpay turned pitiless eyes on him. “Why are you even speaking to me? I don’t like you,” she reiterated and waved her hand dismissively. “Now, disappear.”  
  
He ignored her and answered, “Because I’m sure you know and I think you’re the only one who would.”  
  
Clenching her hands into fists, she stepped toward him then warningly pointed her sharp nails at his chest. “Danforth, I’m only going to say this one more time. Leave. My brother. _Alone._ ” She paused and glanced around the hallway. Finding it deserted, she continued, “He gets _devastated_ when someone breaks his heart and I don’t want him to go through that again.”  
  
Thinking that this was at least a little progress, Chad countered, “I’m not going to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.”  
  
“But you will! Do you even realize what you’re doing to him?” she demanded.  
  
“What did I do to him?”  
  
“You have this whole,” she motioned with her hands and made a face like she was disgusted. “Co-dependent friend thing and you’ve got him hooked so bad he won’t even listen to me.”  
  
He quirked an eyebrow. “Maybe that isn’t a bad thing.”  
  
“If you start with me…” she seethed.   
  
Chad held up his hands in an unarmed gesture.   
  
Eyeing him warily, Sharpay admitted, “He came home singing this weekend after being with you. And yes, it’s Ryan, but…” she sighed and looked like she was almost yielding. “You’re the only guy who’s stuck around for more than a few months. You’re the only guy he’s ever been able to talk to, and the only guy who’s okay being,” she stopped to think of a word. “Affectionate with him. Other guys, straight guys don’t want to be that close to him. Because he might get the wrong idea. Or… something. Even Daddy doesn’t really hug him,” she added.   
  
Chad felt his chest clench and couldn’t bear to imagine what that must be like. He and Troy had always hugged and wrestled and it had never been an issue. And Chad had always been close to his own father. Of course, as far as anyone knew, Chad was straight. “Why don’t they…”  
  
“I don’t know. Because people are stupid!” Sharpay snapped, for once not infuriated with Chad. Looking back at him, she implored with her eyes. “Do you understand what it would do to him if you decided you couldn’t handle being gay or being out or… being around because you broke up?”  
  
Taking a deep breath, Chad thought for a minute and then asked, “Why do you think we’d break up?”  
  
Daggers in her eyes, she impatiently retorted, “Do you or do you not have a girlfriend.”  
  
Chad stopped, and then cursed.   
  
“Okay,” he conceded. “You win that one. But this isn’t over,” he promised as he turned to go to class.   
  
She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him. “You won’t win with me!”  
  
Chad spun and smirked. “I don’t have to win with you.”  
  
“If you really want him, you will eventually,” she snipped and then realized what she’d said. “No, I take that back. Stop now. You can never win with me or him.”  
  
Delighting in her distress, Chad grinned and tossed her the container of cookies. “See ya, Shar.”  
  
As he rounded the corner, he heard her yell, “Don’t call me that!” before he was out of range.


	13. Because of You I've Got the Strength to Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad talks with Taylor and Troy, and works on learning how to deal.

Before school started on Friday, Chad shuffled toward Taylor’s locker, but then walked past it even though she was there making sure she had all the right textbooks for her morning classes. 

During homeroom, he swore he could feel her eyes on his back and kept getting those weird, awkward shivers every time he thought too much about it. 

All through chemistry where she sat next to him and they worked on labs together, he wanted to say it. Or at least, he wanted to say something that wasn’t “Yes, I’ll measure out the liquids” or “You can record the data while I clean up” but never did. 

After their class together, Chad decided there really needed to be a rulebook with instructions or at least guidelines because he was sure nothing about this was going to go well. And it would be really great if Taylor wouldn’t hate him for dumping her. Though he couldn’t imagine that actually happening. 

He didn’t even know what he should say. Taylor, I think we should break up. 

Tay, this us as a couple thing isn’t working out. 

Hey, baby, I think I’m gay and totally in love with a dude, and since you’re not that dude… 

Groaning, Chad tried not to deliberately bang his head on his desk. This was why he didn’t like thinking about these things. 

He and Taylor were barely a couple. At least when compared to Troy and Gabriella and anyone else their age. He shouldn’t have to worry about what would happen. Why did he even have to do this? Actually, he knew why. Of course he knew why otherwise he wouldn’t even attempt it. 

Even if Ryan would never want him, he still owed it to Taylor to let her know. It wasn’t about Ryan. 

Maybe it was a little about Ryan. Or because of him or something. But it was mostly about Chad. Because he just didn’t feel that way about Taylor. And there was a very good chance he wouldn’t feel that way about any girl. 

That was probably the real reason he was so worried. 

Not that he had a problem with it because he didn’t. It was just so much to think about. It was such a huge thing and it was just hanging over his head and maybe if he kept ignoring it, then he wouldn’t have to do this and he wouldn’t have to deal. 

But then he could also lose Ryan. 

Chad might not have had a reason to confront it earlier, but he definitely had a reason to admit it now. 

After school, he managed to catch Taylor in the library. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked up to her as she was taking notes from one of the hundreds of books stacked around her. “Hey, Tay,” he said and waited for her to look up at him. “I think we need to talk.”

Taylor laughed. And then nodded. “Yes, I think so.” She rearranged a pile of books and motioned for him to sit. 

He nervously ran a hand over his hair, but pulled on the chair next to hers and sat facing her. He looked at her for a minute, eyes slowly trailing over her neat clothes and her straightened hair and her gentle expression that always made her look so pretty. She really was beautiful. He swallowed and tried to say something, but couldn’t make words come out. 

She watched him, gazing softly. “Do you want me to go first?”

“Um. Yeah,” he said and figured that would be much better. At least it would postpone what he had to say. “Yeah, you can go first.”

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ears, then met his eyes. “You’re wonderful,” she started with a heartfelt smile. “And we have a lot of fun together. But,” she paused but looked determined and rational. “We’re better as friends. And I think we should see other people.”

“Yes!” he exclaimed with relief. “I mean… Wait. What?”

She laughed again and said benevolently, “I think we should break up.”

“Really? Really?” he asked and then wondered how she knew exactly what to say. 

“Are you that surprised?” 

“No. Maybe a little,” he thought and then admitted, “Okay, a lot. I’ve been freaking about this all day. I thought you’d hate me if I broke it off with you.”

“Chad, I wouldn’t hate you.”

“Well,” he said and began to breathe a little easier even though his head was still spinning. “That’s good to know.”

“If you want to know,” she told him with a slight smirk. “I was wondering when you’d figure it out.”

“That you wanted to break up with me?”

“No, that you wanted to break up with me.”

His forehead wrinkled as he attempted to process that thought. “How… did you know that?”

She grinned. “I pay attention.”

Rolling his eyes, he returned the smile. “Okay, fine. You’re all knowing. So, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did! I’ve been trying to talk to you all week,” she reminded with a giggle. “But I also thought that you needed to discern some things on your own. That’s why I told you to come to me.”

He nodded slowly. He could accept that even if he was wondering if his conversation with Sharpay would have gone differently if he’d been single then. 

Sighing, he watched Taylor turn back to whatever homework she’d been doing and stared at her as she wrote in tidy cursive. 

So. It was over. He was single. He didn’t have a girlfriend. He wouldn’t have to go on any more double dates with Troy and Gabriella. He wouldn’t have to stress and worry and rack his brains to figure out how to make their relationship work. 

And he never had to have a girlfriend ever again. He really could be… not with girls. If he wanted to be with someone who wasn’t a girl. 

Taylor stopped writing after a minute and looked back at him.

“So,” he said, trying to fight off all the thoughts bombarding his head. “This is it? Just like that? Over and done with?”

She skimmed his face and waded through everything in his eyes. Glancing down before she looked at him, she sighed, “It makes it real, doesn’t it?”

“It makes a lot of things real,” he said and didn’t know what thought he should focus on and keep in his head. “It’s been, like… a year. You and me.”

She nodded. 

“That’s a long time.”

She dropped her pen and reached for his hand. He took hers and felt her squeeze his fingers. “Chad, this is the right thing to do. You know it is,” she reassured, looking at him with warm eyes. 

He sighed, long and uncertain, and tried to believe her. Of course, he knew it and knew she was right. But feeling like he believed it was different. Even if they weren’t right together, even if they’d never work out, it was a lot to give up. 

She tugged his hand to capture his attention. “I know it’s easy and familiar and I don’t want to lose you, either. You’re one of my best friends. But you know this doesn’t work.” She looked at him gently but pointedly and lowered her voice, “And I think you know why it doesn’t work.”

“You… know? You know?”

“Sweetie, how long did it take for you to kiss me?”

Chad’s cheeks turned hot and he said the only thing that he could think of. “Troy didn’t kiss Gabi for a long time, either.”

Taylor laughed lightly. “Yes, but he tried.”

Chad rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Semantics.”

“Okay,” she grinned like she had been challenged. “You’re a teenager with raging hormones. You’re a teenage boy with raging hormones and not once did you try to make a move. And I know I’m nice to look at.”

Chad laughed and actually felt more relaxed. “Yeah, babe, you’re totally hot.”

“You’re just…” she said but stopped herself.

He swallowed, then finished, “Totally gay?” 

She tilted her head and watched him. “You’ve never said that out loud before, have you?”

He sighed and felt a little dizzy. “Not so much.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand and he took a deep breath. “It feels like such a huge thing. But at the same time, it’s… not. I mean, I don’t feel any different.”

“Well, you’ve probably always been this way,” she said sensibly. “You’re not different.”

Shrugging, Chad tried to decide if that was true. “I guess I always had… thoughts. About things.”

“About guys and things?” Taylor said with a smile.

Chad blushed a little, pressing his lips together. “But I never thought it meant anything. I never expected… this.”

“I don’t think anyone expects to not be straight.”

Chad half nodded and then wondered if that was true for Ryan. Distantly, he smiled and felt like Ryan would be proud of him. 

“But obviously it happens,” Taylor said, finishing her thought, but didn’t fail to notice Chad’s smile. She smirked at him, but if she knew what he was thinking, she didn’t say anything. “So, are you okay?” she asked with understanding.

He smiled brightly for her. “Yeah.”

She squeezed his hand and then let go, turning back to her books. She started organizing them so she could put them away, but tilted her head and looked at him. “Don’t you have practice?”

“No,” he answered, amused that she was concerned. “We have a game in a few hours.”

“Ah. So, you’re going to wander the school until then?”

He laughed and helped her gather and re-shelve her books. “No, my dad is getting the girls and then we’re gonna have dinner. Because my sisters won’t want to come to the game.” He looked at Taylor and had a thought. “Do… do you wanna come with us? Come to the game?”

She grinned and stuffed her binder into her backpack. “I’d love to, but my sister is home visiting for the weekend.”

“Okay. Turn me down. That’s cool.”

She pushed his arm and he snickered. 

After putting the last book back in place, she turned to him to say goodbye. 

He swallowed and tried not to worry. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly for as long as he could. If it was the last time he was going to really talk with her and spend time with her, he wanted to make it last just a little longer. 

Taking a deep breath, he gave her a quick kiss the way he did with his sisters and left the library. 

~*~*~

After an easy victory against Crossville High, Chad left with the guys for their usual celebratory pizza and realized he couldn’t remember the last time it was just the four of them. If it wasn’t girlfriends, it was the rest of their teammates, and if it wasn’t their teammates, it was parents and siblings. He sighed and appreciated just being with his best friends. 

Jason had even stopped talking about Kelsi, though when he started talking about dancing, Chad did wonder if his friend was going gay for Ryan. And then Chad hoped and prayed to any god who would listen that Jason wasn’t the one Ryan liked. Even though it wasn’t very probable, Chad still felt insanely jealous just thinking of it.

Troy gave his customary report on Gabriella and how amazing and smart and pretty she was, prompting Zeke to do the same with Sharpay. Chad focused on willing all of them not to ask about Taylor. What would his friends say if he confessed that he didn’t have a girlfriend and didn’t so much want a girlfriend? 

Would they even be willing to listen to him talk about his boyfriend? That is, if he had a boyfriend. 

Zeke attempted to explain the delicate and lost art of making a real coconut cake – also Sharpay’s favorite – that was not prepared with fake flavoring and store ingredients. While Troy and Jason both agreed that they’d rather eat the cake and leave the “art” to professionals like Zeke, Chad smiled quietly at all of them and wondered what would happen if he told them. 

He hadn’t known any of them to be homophobic, and they all seemed fine with Ryan. Though Chad wasn’t positive Troy didn’t still think Ryan was trying to get with Gabriella. But Ryan wasn’t Chad. He didn’t share a locker room with them. He didn’t spend weekends at their houses. He didn’t hug them after the Wildcats defeated an opposing team. 

Chad wondered if it would change things. Because Chad really hated when anything changed. 

After they finished their late, second dinner, Troy drove Jason and Zeke home and started for Chad’s house. Chad sat silently in the passenger seat, still lost in thought. 

“Hey, man,” Troy started lightly. “You okay? You were awfully quiet tonight.”

Chad looked over at him. “Yeah,” he assured. “Yeah, I’m fine. A lot happened today. That’s all.”

“Ah,” Troy nodded. “Did you talk with Taylor?”

Chad tipped his head and wondered how Troy would know that, and then worried what it meant if Troy knew what had happened. “Um. Yeah. I did.”

Carefully, Troy asked, “Did it go well?”

“…Yeah,” Chad said uncertainly. “It did.”

“Good,” Troy said, giving him a supportive smile. 

Chad’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion. Had there been enough time for Taylor to talk to Gabi and Gabi to talk to Troy before the game? He supposed there had been, but he couldn’t fathom Taylor telling people for him. She’d want him to do it himself. “I… almost got her to come to the game,” he said, for lack of something better. “But her sister is home this weekend.”

Frowning sympathetically, Troy said, “That’s too bad. But… progress. Right?”

Chad shrugged and decided this was a very weird conversation. 

“Oh, before I forget…” Troy reached behind his seat after they pulled up to a stoplight. “This is yours,” he said and handed Chad a light blue sweatshirt. 

Chad stared for a long moment before touching it. He took it from Troy and held it delicately, the way Ryan had when Chad had given it to him. 

Chad knew it was one of Ryan’s favorite things to wear. He’d fallen in love with the soft fabric and the trim around the zipper and the artistically frayed edges on the front pocket. And Chad loved how bright it made Ryan’s eyes look and the way it clung to Ryan’s slender body. Not to mention how giddy Chad felt because it was his sweatshirt that Ryan loved to wear. 

And yet, for some reason, Chad was holding it and Ryan didn’t have it and Troy of all people returned it.

Chad swallowed and asked, “Why do you have this?”

“Ryan said he borrowed it and asked me to give it back to you,” Troy answered, glancing at Chad.

“But… why?”

Troy shrugged. “I don’t know. He just told me to give it to you.”

Chad’s fingers clenched in the fabric. 

Ryan must be really mad at him. Ryan must hate him if he was giving up clothing he loved. 

Chad held the sweatshirt tighter and stared at it like he could make the situation better the longer he looked. 

All right. So. Kissing Ryan was a really bad idea. It was bad and Chad shouldn’t have done it. He just wanted it so much and wanted Ryan to always smile the way he did that morning. But, obviously, Ryan wasn’t interested. And Chad didn’t even know if Ryan wanted to be his friend anymore. Since Ryan was asking things of Troy just to avoid seeing Chad.

Taking a long, shaky breath, Chad shook his head to get rid of everything because, of all the fucking stupid things, he wanted to cry over a sweatshirt. 

And in front of Troy – who wouldn’t know what in the hell had gotten into him if he did start crying. 

Leaning his head on one hand, Chad looked out the window and tried not to feel so rejected. 

“Hey,” Troy said with a casual tone. “I was thinking, we haven’t really hung out in a while. You know, just us. You wanna come stay at my house?”

Slowly, Chad turned toward his friend. He wanted to. He really, really wanted to because it would be seeing Troy and a good distraction, but after everything that had happened… breaking up with Taylor, coming out to Taylor. The sweatshirt. He was sure he wouldn’t be very good company. “Um. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

Chad shrugged and wanted to tell Troy. He wanted so much to tell Troy everything, but then he was sure he really would start crying. Because it was just so much. It was too much and all at the same time. And if Chad did tell Troy he wasn’t straight, Troy might not want him there anyway. 

“A lot. Happened today,” Chad said and swallowed hard. “I don’t have anything planned tomorrow, if you want to do something then.”

“Okay,” Troy said. “I’ll call you when I get up.”

“Cool,” Chad responded stiffly.

Once Troy dropped him off, Chad walked into his house in a daze. His brain and his heart had had more than enough for one day and he crawled into his bed still wearing the clothes he’d put on after the game. 

Kicking his shoes off, he ignored the blankets crumpled at the foot of his bed and pulled the blue sweatshirt around him. It still smelled clean and sweet, like Ryan. Chad closed his eyes tightly. 

Just a week ago, he’d been here with Ryan, with Ryan sleepy and gorgeous and snuggled close to him. But now everything was wrong, at least it was all wrong between them. Chad supposed the only thing he could do was to find Ryan on Monday, apologize for the kissing, and hope he would be forgiven.


	14. Watch Them Fall Every Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan copes (mostly) while he and Chad try to reconcile.

  
  
  
Ryan yawned as he watched out the window of Sharpay’s car, slouching and resting his head against the upper strap of his seatbelt as she drove them to school. At least he could blame any lack of luster on it being a Monday.   
  
If he closed his eyes and breathed slowly, he could almost clear his mind. But that didn’t really help his heart.   
  
He just needed to remember that he was being stupid. He’d had feelings before for someone who didn’t return them. It wasn’t a big deal. He just had to move on. He and Chad were still friends.   
  
Well, actually, they weren’t really since they hadn’t talked or seen each other. But that didn’t matter. He wasn’t _that_ hung up on Chad.   
  
Was he?  
  
So he didn’t have a close friend that he wasn’t related to. He could just spend more time with Gabriella. Although, Troy probably wouldn’t like that. But he could spend more time with Kelsi.  
  
So he didn’t have a guy friend he could hang out with. He could get to know Zeke better. But that would unavoidably lead to crossing paths with Chad and he really didn’t need to do that. No need to aggravate an already painful situation.   
  
So he didn’t have someone who always believed in him and treated him like he was something special.   
  
See, that one wasn’t even true, because Ryan knew his mom did. It just felt different when it was Chad.   
  
So he didn’t have someone who always made him feel happy. Or someone who didn’t make him feel so different because Chad always included him.  So he had never felt so much for one person. So it had never been so real and comfortable and wonderful being with someone.   
  
That didn’t mean anything.   
  
If Chad decided he wanted to be with Taylor and really loved Taylor, Ryan wanted him to be happy, right?   
  
Ryan sighed, broken and heavy, and pressed his fingers into his temples because now his head was hurting.   
  
Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself that he could do this. He was fine. Maybe he wasn’t perfect, but he would be okay.  It wouldn’t always hurt. He could forget about it. He could forget about _all_ of it, and it would be fine. Just one of those distant high school memories that he wouldn’t ever have to think about again once they graduated. And graduation wasn’t that far away. Just a few months. Practically nothing.  
  
Leaning his head back onto his seat, he closed his eyes and listened to his sister singing with one of their Broadway playlists.   
  
“ _Why do I want him still? Why when there’s nothing there? How to go on with the rest of my life to pretend I don’t care._ ”  
  
Ryan reached out and pressed the skip button.   
  
“Hey!” Sharpay shrieked. “I was practicing!”  
  
Ryan crossed his arms protectively over his chest and leaned back again. “Practice one of your other songs.” He watched her glare and try to restart her song. “Please,” he said quietly.   
  
She stopped and eyed him critically. “You love Sherie. And you love this show. You picked it, remember?”  
  
He nodded. “Yes. To all of that. I just don’t want to listen to it right now.”  
  
“Fine,” she huffed and selected a new song. “I hate ballads anyway.”  
  
Ryan closed his eyes, listening to her sing about philosophy with Kristin Chenoweth. Around the middle of the song, he felt Sharpay’s pointy, slender fingers press into his arm.   
  
“It’s a duet,” she reminded. “Are you not going to sing with me?”  
  
He looked at her and countered, “Schroeder sings, like, five lines.”  
  
“So? Are you not going to sing with me?”  
  
Feeling guilty, Ryan shook his head and said, “Too early.” When she frowned, he quickly explained, “I’m just tired.”  
  
“Are you still not sleeping?”  
  
“How do you know I’m not sleeping?”  
  
“Because you have those dark-circle, raccoon eyes. And you look terrible.”  
  
Ryan self-consciously looked away and sank further in his seat. “Thanks.”  
  
“I just mean that you look exhausted. Or sick. Maybe both,” she said, tipping her head with as much concern as she had.   
  
“It’s Monday. I’m tired.”  
  
“Fine,” she said. When a new song came on, she pointed to the stereo. “Will you sing this one with me? I’ll let you sing Maureen,” she added with big, persuasive, brown eyes.  
  
He sighed and managed half a smile, proud that even though it was only half-hearted, it was still real. “No, that’s okay.”  
  
She frowned again. “Are you sure?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, then added just to be convincing, “I think I am getting sick. My throat is sore. So… you go ahead.” For a third time, Ryan closed his eyes and hoped he could find some way to rest during the day.   
  
Sharpay sang with the diva duet, but went quiet after she finished. He heard her sigh, but then she stated bluntly, “Chad thinks you have a crush on someone else.”  
  
He turned his head, thoroughly confused. “How do you know that?”  
  
“I talked to him,” she said in a stiff voice, her hands squeezed tight on the steering wheel.  
  
Ryan looked at her for a long moment. “What did you say?”  
  
“That he thinks there’s some random guy that you like. And I said he better not hurt you.”  
  
Ryan snorted softly and turned back to the window.   
  
“Has he said anything to you?” she asked.  
  
Ryan shook his head.   
  
“Have you seen him lately?”  
  
“Not really,” Ryan said, forcing himself to sound uninterested. “Not since we– not since last weekend.”  
  
Her perfect eyebrows narrowed. “Why?”  
  
“Why do you care?” Ryan retorted, sounding angrier than he wanted to. “You don’t like him. And I don’t want to talk about him. Okay? So, can we not?”  
  
Sharpay stopped at a light and fixed him with a calculating stare as if she could read his mind.   
  
Ryan pointed out the window. “Can we stop for coffee?”  
  
Sighing like she was annoyed, Sharpay consented but didn’t stop looking at him. “Yeah. Sure,” she said and drove to the little coffee stand he’d picked out.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad stared at Ryan all through the morning classes they had together, and tried not to feel like his chest was being crushed. He didn’t even attempt to pay attention to any of his teachers. All he could think about was how much he loved Ryan. And how much Ryan didn’t love him. But did he really expect his first real love to work out? He wasn’t Troy, for heaven’s sake.   
  
But maybe Ryan just thought Chad missed his sweatshirt. Maybe he was trying to get over his crush and needed space until he could do that. Maybe Chad _did_ have a chance once Ryan was feeling better. Chad really, really hoped that were the case. Maybe he could even help Ryan in the meantime.   
  
When the bell rang, Chad determinedly followed and intercepted Ryan before he had a chance to hide in the practice rooms or in the auditorium during lunch.   
  
“Hey, Evans,” Chad started and cursed himself because he could hear how needy and desperate his voice sounded. “Can we talk?”  
  
Ryan stared at him but tried to look away. He motioned toward the arts wing of the school. “I…”  
  
“I need to talk to you,” Chad interjected.   
  
Ryan dropped his hand. “I have… I’m… busy…”  
  
“Please,” Chad said, strong but quiet. “Have lunch with me. At least for a little. Please. I miss you.”  
  
Ryan frowned, glanced all around, and gave him a pained sigh. “Okay.”  
  
Chad couldn’t help but feel overjoyed that Ryan at least agreed to hear him out. He smiled lightly and stroked Ryan’s arm. “Okay. Good. Where do you want to go?”  
  
Turning away from Chad’s hand, Ryan shrugged. “Wherever. I don’t care.”  
  
Chad tried to choke back the rejected feeling and lead them to the courtyard behind the school. It was still cold enough that no one else wanted to be outside, leaving the area deserted. “This okay?” Chad asked, motioning to their surroundings.   
  
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Ryan said curtly, slumping more than sitting on the ground in front of a stone bench. “What did you want to talk to me about?”  
  
Chad awkwardly stood where he was for a minute before sitting next to Ryan. “Does it have to be something?”  
  
Ryan leaned his head back on the bench, staring off into the distance. “You said there was something.”  
  
“Yeah. Okay,” Chad sighed. “I just… I miss you.”  
  
Ryan swallowed then tipped his chin up arrogantly. “You said that already.”  
  
“Okay, fine. I’m sorry I kissed you! Okay? I’m sorry.”  
  
Ryan closed his eyes tightly.   
  
“I didn’t mean to upset you and I didn’t mean to fuck this up. I just… please forgive me.” Chad watched Ryan not respond for several achingly long minutes. When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he added, “Please?”  
  
Taking a few long, rattled breaths, Ryan’s eyes slowly opened and he turned toward Chad. “It’s okay that you did,” he said quietly. “And it’s okay that you…don’t. Everyone has to have someone, right? It doesn’t matter.”  
  
Chad stared with confusion, exceedingly aware that there was an invisible, but very present veil over Ryan’s blue eyes. “Are you… mad at me?”  
  
Ryan softened a little and looked miserable. “No,” he shook his head and whispered sincerely, “I’m not mad at you.”  
  
Chad stayed quiet, still watching Ryan and trying to see past the wall he had up. “Are we still friends?”  
  
Ryan shrugged. “I guess. If you want.”  
  
“Yeah, I do want,” Chad said, feeling the aching in his voice.  
  
Ryan turned away, clutching his messenger bag against his stomach, but said, “Okay.”  
  
Chad swallowed and repeated, “Okay.”  
  
Sighing, Ryan looked at him and gave him a small, faint smile that absolutely broke Chad’s heart.   
  
Chad had to look away because if he didn’t, he’d want to hug Ryan close to him and not ever let go. And he didn’t think Ryan wanted to be hugged at the moment. Instead, Chad dug his lunch out of his backpack, but held it uncertainly and asked, “Are you going to eat with me?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ll sit with you,” Ryan replied, closing his eyes and resting his head back on the ledge of the bench.   
  
Chad pulled out a sandwich and took a few bites as he studied Ryan’s face. “You look tired.”  
  
“I am tired,” Ryan said softly.   
  
Slowly, Chad chewed thoughtfully. “Are you all right?”  
  
Ryan nodded without looking.  
  
Frowning, Chad finished half of his sandwich. “Do you have lunch? I’ll… share.”  
  
Ryan shook his head. “That’s okay. I’m not hungry.”  
  
“Evans,” Chad said with a scolding tone his mother would probably be proud of.   
  
Ryan opened his eyes and looked at Chad. “I’m fine, okay? I’m just not hungry. I think I’m getting sick.”  
  
Chad rummaged in his bag and pulled out an unopened plastic bottle. “I have orange juice,” he offered, holding it out to Ryan. “You love orange juice.”  
  
A brief flicker of a smile crossed Ryan’s face. “No, that’s okay.” He looked down and pointed into Chad’s backpack. “Is that _Wicked_? Are you reading _Wicked_?”  
  
“Yeah,” Chad confirmed and held it out proudly to show Ryan. “I haven’t had much time to read it lately, but it’s good. I like it.”  
  
Ryan’s smile brightened, still faint, but also real.   
  
Chad grinned. “Is it very different from the show?”  
  
“Yeah,” Ryan nodded. “The show is lighter. Happier. Also? Much more lesbian.”  
  
Laughing, Chad requested, “Sing something from it.”  
  
Ryan looked at him quietly for a few seconds. “You want me to sing?”  
  
“Yeah. You like singing.” Chad gazed at him earnestly. “And I like you singing.”  
  
Ryan chewed on his lip. “Okay. Um. I don’t know which song though.”  
  
“Can’t help you there. I don’t know the music,” Chad said with a sassy smile.  
  
“I have one. Stuck in my head,” Ryan told him, reluctance in his voice.   
  
“That’s fine. Sing whatever.”  
  
Ryan sighed heavily before he sang, “ _Hands touch, eyes meet. Sudden silence, sudden heat. Hearts leap in a giddy whirl._ ”   
  
Chad stared and smiled, more excited than he probably should be that Ryan picked what sounded like a love song to sing for him.  
  
“ _He could be that boy…_ ” Ryan trailed off and then started again. “ _Don’t dream too far. Don’t lose sight of who you are._ ” He closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly as he sang, “ _Don’t remember that rush of joy._ ”  
  
Chest tightening, Chad watched and saw more emotion than he’d seen in a week from Ryan.  
  
“ _He could be that boy, but I’m…_ ” Ryan paused and then sang quickly as he looked off in the distance, “ _Every so often, we long to steal to the land of what-might-have-been. But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel…when reality sets back in._ ”  
  
Ryan turned toward Chad, but didn’t lift his eyes. “ _Don’t wish. Don’t start. Wishing only wounds the heart,_ ” Ryan swallowed. “ _I wasn’t born for the rose and the pearl. There’s a girl I know. He… loves her…so,_ ” Ryan’s voice lost its already low volume and broke as he finished without melody. “I’m not…that…”  
  
Forgoing any logic his head told him, Chad reached out and squeezed Ryan’s forearm. “That’s… really sad.”  
  
Ryan closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath, shaking off his performance. “Yeah, it is,” he agreed simply, voice devoid of any feeling it had while he was singing.   
  
He covered Chad’s hand with his for a second and then pried it from his arm. Looking at Chad with blank eyes, he asked, “Are you going to finish your lunch?”  
  
Shaken, Chad nodded with a frown and ate the rest of his food in silence.   
  
~*~*~  
  
After lunch with Chad, Ryan spent the majority of his next class trying to breathe. Slow and even and just enough so that he could focus on the sound of inhaling and exhaling and not anything else.   
  
At least Chad was still his friend. That was something.   
  
Though Troy had asked Ryan to leave Chad alone. But that was just so Chad could be with Taylor. And Chad was the one who came to him. So, whatever happened, it wasn’t Ryan’s fault. Unless Chad spending time with Ryan was keeping him from Taylor. Maybe that was why Troy was upset. Because Ryan had distracted Chad. Or something.  
  
Ryan exhaled with annoyance. His head couldn’t take all of these thoughts. He didn’t know what was going on with Chad’s love life and he didn’t care because it didn’t matter. Chad could deal with his own messed up love life.    
  
“Ryan?” Kelsi said softly, pulling him out of his thoughts. “You ready? Or should Sharpay go next?”  
  
“Is Michelle done?” he asked, and looked around for the young, but talented sophomore with the title role in their musical.   
  
Kelsi nodded. “Yeah. Andre and Steven ran through their solo sections, too. It’s just you and Sharpay left.”  
  
Ryan glanced over at his sister, busy threatening the lives of the lowerclassmen, and sighed as he stood and walked to the piano. “I’ll go.”  
  
She flexed her fingers and looked up at him as he stood over her shoulder. “You want to start with your opener?”  
  
Ryan rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t think I have the energy. Can we work up to that? Maybe start with the second act?”  
  
“Sure,” she said with a smile and flipped through her music. “‘A Step Too Far,’ your entrance, okay?”  
  
Ryan nodded and sang through his solos in three songs with much less enthusiasm than usual. It wasn’t as if he really needed to check his notes. He knew all the songs and could sing any of the parts. It was just formality, really. Or because his sister demanded it of everyone sharing her stage.   
  
Either way, when Kelsi started “Written in the Stars,” Ryan started thinking too much and feeling too much and couldn’t get past, “Every moment of my life from now until I die, I will think or dream of you and fail to understand how a perfect love can be confounded out of hand.”  
  
He choked on his voice and stopped singing with Kelsi’s piano.   
  
She looked up at him with concern. “Ryan? You okay?”  
  
He took a deep breath and regained his composure, but was terrified to sing anymore. There was just too much feeling with music. “Yeah,” he nodded slightly.  
  
“Do you want a happier song? ‘Enchantment Passing Through’? Or ‘Not Me’?”  
  
Ryan shook his head emphatically. He really couldn’t make it through the song he sang for Chad that night that they spent together. He just didn’t want to sing anymore.   
  
Frowning sympathetically, Kelsi looked down at her fingers still poised on the keys. “It’s hard,” she said quietly. “Being loved makes you feel so wonderful. Like you can do anything. Because no matter what, there’s someone who’ll love you.” She turned back to him with a sad smile. “But losing that makes you feel like you don’t have a reason to do anything anymore. Even if you do. It makes you feel like you’ve lost everything.”  
  
Ryan glared at her, furious that she would call attention to it. “You don’t know that!” he snapped at her. “I didn’t lose anything. I didn’t have anything! So, just shut the hell up!”  
  
For two seconds, Kelsi looked shocked, but it quickly disappeared, replaced with acceptance. She was, after all, used to be yelled at by an Evans.   
  
Feeling Sharpay’s unyielding gaze on him, Ryan glanced at his sister who knew better than anyone that Ryan refused to swear unless it was script or lyric. Sharpay raised an eyebrow at him and he turned away with embarrassment, dropping to the floor beside Kelsi’s piano bench.   
  
“Kels,” he started, pleading. “Kelsi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”  
  
“It’s okay,” she said and sounded like she truly meant it.   
  
“No, it’s not,” Ryan frowned petulantly, determined to make it right. “I’m sorry I yelled. I’m just…”  
  
“No, I know,” she said softly. “I am, too. I know. It’s okay.”  
  
Feeling even worse, Ryan tentatively touched her hand. “I’m sorry.”  
  
She squeezed his fingers. “Me too.” Reaching out, she adjusted the brim of his hat and smiled sweetly. “You want to finish your songs?”  
  
Ryan stood slowly and shook his head. “No, I think I’m going to go.”  
  
“Ryan, it’s okay,” she insisted gently. “You don’t have to go. I’ll help you.”  
  
“No, I’m going to,” he said, grabbing his messenger bag and knew Sharpay’s eyes followed him. “I can’t sing now anyway.”  
  
“Rya–”  
  
“Bye, Kelsi,” he called as he breezed out the door.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad was innocently retrieving his books from his locker, minding his own business, when Sharpay came barreling toward him down the hallway. He groaned before she pointed threateningly at his chest.   
  
“What did you do to him!?” she demanded.  
  
Assuming she could only mean Ryan since he was the only one she’d stick up for in such a way, Chad retorted, “I didn’t do anything to him!”  
  
“Then what the hell is wrong!?”  
  
“I don’t know! He won’t even talk to me!”  
  
“Well,” she frowned for a second and then yelled, “He won’t talk to me either!”   
  
She glared at him quietly before angrily spinning and stalking away.   
  
Chad rolled his eyes, so very thankful he was gay.


	15. From the Top of the World to the Bottom of the Heap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad has a confrontation with Troy and Ryan reconnects with Gabriella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jenwyn story... yes, I had a teacher like this. Yardstick and everything. O_o Never sat in the front of his class, I'll tell you that.

Ryan stopped at his locker Thursday morning, remembering at the last minute how his history teacher would yell if they forgot their textbooks, and found a neatly folded piece of paper on top of his belongings.   
  
He glanced around the hallway, like whoever wrote it was still around, before picking up the note and wasn’t sure, exactly, what he should do.   
  
Obviously, he was supposed to open it and read it and talk to whoever had sent it, or maybe write them one back, but Ryan had no idea who would be writing him locker notes. He always thought it was a best friend thing. Like something Gabriella did for Taylor. Or an “I’m your boyfriend and I’m pining for you” thing. Like Zeke with Sharpay.   
  
Ryan didn’t have a boyfriend or a best friend who would write him notes and so he stared at the folded paper with confusion. Carefully, he opened his note and found precise, happy, curly letters.   
  
  
_Ryan,  
  
I’ve been missing you! I hope you’re doing ok.   
Do you still want to study together? Let me know if you do.   
I’d love to see you!   
  
Love,  
Gabriella_  
  
  
Ryan stared for a long moment, feeling the creases in the paper before he refolded it.   
  
He considered tossing the note back in his locker as he picked up his textbook, but couldn’t bring himself to let go, and instead, folded the note one more time to make it smaller and stuck it in his pocket.   
  
Would it be all right to tell her that he desperately missed her, too?   
  
Ryan wasn’t sure. He wanted to talk to her, but didn’t know how much he could tell her. Or how much she would figure out on her own. And the last thing he wanted to do was to call attention to… things. Like missing people and relationships with those people.   
  
It was probably best not to say anything.   
  
Ryan walked to his seat in history class, ignored how ‘E’ came after ‘D’ in the alphabet and therefore caused his seat to be near certain people, and pulled the note from his pocket, holding it in his palm all through class.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad glanced at the clock every few minutes, willing the hands to turn faster, and bounced his leg under his desk. Ryan was literally close enough that Chad could touch him if he wanted to. Or if he could get away with it and not look like he was molesting the blond during Mr. Hughes’ class, which, he probably couldn’t and so Chad again looked up at the clock.   
  
He leaned a little closer to Ryan, balancing on an elbow and gazing at him before a yardstick was smacked on the edge of Ryan’s desk.   
  
Ryan, and even Chad, jumped at the noise.   
  
“Mr. Evans,” their history teacher said and glared down at him, always incensed to have his lectures interrupted. “Are you passing notes?”  
  
Ryan blinked and answered uncertainly, “No.”  
  
“What’s in your hand?”  
  
Ryan looked down at the folded paper he was still clutching. “No, this wasn’t. I was just holding it.”  
  
The teacher glared and snatched the note away. Ryan moved like he wanted to reach for it, but dropped his hand and slouched in his seat as the teacher opened his note.   
  
“This is to you,” Mr. Hughes said, holding the paper out between two fingers.   
  
Ryan nodded, staring at the surface of his desk.   
  
Their teacher looked back at the note. “There’s no Gabriella in this class.”  
  
Ryan shook his head. “It was in my locker. I was just holding it,” he repeated in a quiet voice.  
  
Mr. Hughes tossed the paper onto Ryan’s desk. “No passing notes in my class!” he said for good measure as he walked back to the front of the room and resumed his lecture on the American government.   
  
Ryan refolded the paper carefully and slumped lower in his seat. Chad glared for the rest of the period on Ryan’s behalf and was sorely tempted to write Ryan a note, but didn’t want to get his friend in trouble again.   
  
Instead, Chad pulled a snickers bar out of his bag just before the end of class and made a show of opening it. Before their teacher could say anything about not eating in his class, the bell rang for free period before lunch and Chad smirked as he walked out the door, taking a large bite.   
  
The smile he got from Ryan made Chad’s heart skip. Grinning, Chad bounced on his toes and walked at Ryan’s side. “Hey,” he said and offered Ryan his candy bar. “Want some?”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow but shook his head. “No, that’s okay.” He sighed and glanced back at history class. “I _really_ don’t like him. I think he doesn’t like me at all either.”  
  
Chad shrugged and took another bite of chocolate, caramel, peanut goodness. “He’s an ex-marine. And a republican. He’s not going to like anyone.”  
  
Ryan chuckled lightly and Chad’s head started swimming with glee. He hadn’t heard Ryan laugh, even a little, in ages. “So,” Chad smiled, thoroughly proud of himself. “What did Gabi say?”  
  
Ryan looked at him. “Huh?”  
  
“Your note that got you on Hughes’ Most Wanted.”  
  
Ryan laughed again, quick and soft, but still the best thing Chad had heard in weeks. “Just that she wants to study together. And she misses me.”  
  
Chad touched a hand to his chest and tipped his head. “Awww.”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”  
  
“Make me,” Chad challenged eagerly.   
  
Ryan lifted Chad’s hand and pushed the candy bar toward his mouth.  
  
Laughing, Chad conceded defeat and took another bite. “Hey,” he said after he’d swallowed. “You wanna have lunch together?”  
  
Ryan glanced at something behind Chad and his smiled faded. “No, that’s okay.”  
  
Chad’s eyebrows furrowed and he felt someone slap him on the back.  
  
“Dude,” Troy said, grinning at Chad. “You coming to lunch?”  
  
“Yeah, fine,” Chad said, rolling his eyes and swatting Troy away. He turned back to Ryan. “Come with us?”  
  
Ryan looked at Troy and then back to Chad and shook his head. “No, you go ahead.”  
  
Chad frowned. He turned toward Troy, who was anxiously waiting, and then toward Ryan, whose expression had turned blank again.   
  
He stepped toward Ryan and asked quietly, “Do you want to eat with just me?”  
  
Ryan’s eyes widened a little and then looked in Troy’s direction. “No, I’m… not hungry,” Ryan said and started walking backwards. “And I have things to do anyway.”  
  
“Okay,” Chad said, feeling his heart sink. “See you later.”  
  
Ryan nodded tersely before disappearing around the corner.   
  
Glowering, Chad turned to Troy and walked with him toward the cafeteria.   
  
Troy held up his hands and said with quiet sarcasm, “Sorry you’re stuck with me.”  
  
“Shut up!” Chad snapped with annoyance. “You don’t even… know. Anything.”  
  
Troy mirrored Chad’s irritated expression, and as they walked down the stairs to their usual table where Zeke and Jason were already sitting and eating, he said with an edge to his voice, “Maybe I would know something if you would tell me anything.”  
  
“I have told you things,” Chad retorted, even if he hadn’t told Troy anything of importance lately.   
  
Troy simply glared and sat on the opposite side of the table and next to Jason.   
  
Chad took a similar place next to Zeke, who looked at both of his friends and raised an eyebrow.   
  
“Don’t ask,” Chad said and dug his lunch from his bag.   
  
Zeke shrugged and went back to his conversation with Jason.   
  
Free period went by and Chad had almost finished eating without saying a word when Troy cleared his empty tray and demanded, “Why him?”  
  
Chad knew Zeke and Jason turned to them, confused, but Chad focused on a hard scowl at his best friend. “What’s wrong with him?” he spat slow and dangerous.  
  
Troy shook his head and backed away.   
  
Chad jumped to his feet, unwilling to let Troy get out of that question. “What is your deal?! Is it because he spends time with your girlfriend? Or because his sister tried to make you her trophy boy?”   
  
Chad was vaguely aware that other students in the cafeteria started staring and lowered his voice a little though it was no less intense. “Why do you have such a problem with Ryan?”  
  
“I don’t have a problem with Ryan.”   
  
“The fuck you don’t!”  
  
“I don’t!” Troy shouted and then self-consciously looked around the cafeteria. He motioned outside and for Chad to follow. Chad glared stubbornly and refused to move until Zeke inclined his head toward Troy.   
  
Huffing with frustration, Chad followed Troy to the old outdoor basketball court. He stopped when Troy turned and looked at him with distress.  
  
Chad crossed his arms. “ _What_ is your problem?”  
  
“I’m jealous, okay!” Troy confessed angrily. “He makes me so insanely jealous I can’t even _think_ anymore.”  
  
“Why?” Chad said coldly. “The dude is gay, Troy. He doesn’t want your girlfriend.”  
  
“Because of you!” Troy shouted, pointing toward Chad with both hands. “You spend all your time with him. You blew off Taylor. You keep _ditching me._ And Jason and Zeke,” he added, gesturing back to the cafeteria. “You never talk to me anymore. You never want to hang out with me and you’re always unhappy when we do.”   
  
Chad watched as Troy stopped to breathe and felt his anger slowly subside, replaced with a sickening guilty feeling.  
  
“I thought I was your best friend,” Troy said in a lower voice. “I thought we were… I mean, I know I screw up, but I didn’t think you’d… I thought we would always be best friends.” He paused and whispered brokenly, “I didn’t think I’d lose you.”  
  
Chad swallowed the lump in his throat. “You didn’t lose me.”  
  
“Yeah, I did,” Troy said, quiet and defeated. “Even Gabriella always says you and Ryan are so good together.”  
  
Chad swore his heart stopped for second. Did Gabriella know? He supposed it was more than likely that Ryan had told her. Chad looked at Troy and asked nervously, “She does?”  
  
“Yeah. See, you did replace me.”  
  
Chad sighed. “I didn’t replace you! No one can replace you. You will always be my best friend. Nothing would change that.”  
  
Troy met his eyes, still looking anguished. “Then why does he get priority?”  
  
“It’s not a contest! Okay? I don’t think of you the same way.  He’s,” Chad swallowed again and didn’t know how to describe it. “Different.”  
  
“How can he be different?”  
  
“He just is!” Chad countered and wished he could make Troy understand without using another Gabriella analogy. He didn’t need Troy to freak out about that one yet.   
  
Taking a cleansing breath, Chad opted for reassurance. “I’ve needed to be with him more lately. It doesn’t mean that I’d ever stop caring about you.” He grasped Troy’s arms for emphasis. “You _are_ my brother,” he promised. “I’d… well, I don’t really want to _die_ , but I’d get seriously hurt for you.”  
  
Troy laughed, a slow smile brightening his face.   
  
Comforted with that reaction, Chad let go and dropped his hands to his sides. “I’m sorry I’ve been… I’ve had a lot on my mind. A lot to deal with.”   
  
Troy looked at him in his sympathetic way. “I could’ve helped.”  
  
Chad gave him a half smile. “I know you tried.”   
  
Glancing around, Troy asked, “Can I do anything now?”  
  
“Yeah,” Chad said and jogged to the basketball hoop. He picked up a worn, brown basketball that could’ve been one Jason had left there, and passed it to Troy.   
  
Troy grinned brightly and dribbled the ball toward his friend. They played for a good twenty minutes until Troy got that inquisitive look on his face.   
  
Chad straightened from his crouched stance as Troy dribbled contemplatively. “What?” Chad asked, wiping a hand over his face.  
  
Troy was quiet before he caught the ball and tipped his head. “What can you tell him that you can’t tell me?” he asked fretfully.   
  
Chad sighed heavily. “Actually… I haven’t told him anything.”  
  
Troy gave him a confused look. “You haven’t?”  
  
Chad shook his head. And wanted to explain everything – what he hadn’t told Ryan and why Ryan was different and how Chad was so worried and missed Ryan so much and _everything_ that had been happening.    
  
But Chad couldn’t get over the nagging voice in his head that said he had just come to an understanding with Troy. They’d gotten somewhere and made up and Chad just couldn’t mess that up again.  
  
“Oh,” Troy said and while he tried to puzzle that one out, Chad smacked the ball from his hands and took off with it.   
  
~*~*~  
  
For the rest of the day, Ryan kept the note Gabriella had given him in his pocket. There was no need to get scolded by any more teachers. But he still wanted it close. If he thought about Gabriella, then he wouldn’t have to think about Chad.   
  
Granted, thinking of losing either of them wasn’t particularly pleasant, but he hadn’t been as close to Gabriella.   
  
He walked to his locker after his last class and still couldn’t believe he’d turned Chad down. It might have been the right thing to do and the smart thing to do, but in no way was it the easy thing to do. Though, he didn’t really want to be caught between Chad and Troy, and thinking he was the reason Chad might have lost his best friend just made Ryan’s chest hurt even more.   
  
Ryan sighed slowly as he opened his locker, completely drained from another day of this.   
  
He turned when a soft voice called his name.   
  
“Hey, Ryan,” Gabriella smiled as she walked up to him.   
  
His heart lifted and he put on a bright face for her. “Hi, Gabi.”  
  
“Did you get my note?”  
  
“Yeah,” he smiled. “It was sweet.”  
  
She gave him a pleased grin. “So, do you want to study with me? You didn’t call me, so I wasn’t sure.”  
  
His smile faltered a little. “I’m sorry. I’ve been… busy.”  
  
“That’s okay,” she assured. “I have time now, if you do.”  
  
Ryan had to admit that the thought of doing homework anytime was not a good one, but it didn’t usually give him a queasy feeling. “I don’t know if I can now.”  
  
She looked disappointed and he quickly added, “I mean. I’m really not in a… mindset where I can do anything homework productive. But I’ll sit with you, if you’re going to study. Sharpay stays late when Zeke’s around anyway,” he said and worried that maybe Gabriella only wanted to hang out with him so she could help him with school. He swallowed and tried not to get his hopes up. “I’ve missed you, too,” he told her softly.  
  
She looked at him in a sweet, sad way, like she wanted to hug him tightly. “I don’t have anything that needs to be done. Do you want to just sit with me?”  
  
Even though he should probably say no, Ryan nodded.   
  
She let him return his textbooks to his locker and took his hand as she led him through the school and up the stairs near the gym and above the science wing.   
  
Ryan looked around at the flowering plants all over the terrace. “Wow.”  
  
Smiling, she nodded. “Isn’t it gorgeous? Troy showed it to me last year.”  
  
“Very gorgeous,” Ryan agreed.   
  
Gabriella took a seat on the bench and patted the space next to her. Ryan sat beside her, holding his bag over his stomach.   
  
“So,” she started slowly. “How’ve you been?”  
  
He shrugged. “Fine.”  
  
“Are you feeling okay?” She looked at him with soft perceptive eyes and Ryan thought this was definitely a bad idea. Gabriella just… knew too much.   
  
“Yeah,” he answered dismissively, trying to look like he meant it.  
  
Acceptingly, she nodded and picked a few dead leaves off one of the plants. “I’ve just been worried. I miss spending time with you.”  
  
“Me too,” Ryan said quietly, toying with the zipper on his sweater.   
  
As she collected leaves in her palm, she asked, lightly conversational, “Has anything happened with you and Chad?”   
  
Ryan’s chest clenched so hard he couldn’t breathe, but he managed to shake his head. He stared at a plant with purple blossoms on the opposite side of the garden, attempting to focus all his thoughts and attention on it.  
  
Her eyebrows made worried wrinkles as she looked at him. “No?”  
  
Ryan shook his head again, determined to not let anything show.  
  
“Well… why not?” she asked, her voice full of confused concern. “You said you kissed, and Taylor said they broke up…”  
  
Suddenly terrified, Ryan’s eyes widened. “They broke up?”  
  
Gabriella nodded and Ryan slouched against the bench, actually empathizing with Chad, but hating that he was.  
  
“Ryan,” she said softly and touched his arm, unintentionally squeezing the dry leaves in her palm. “What is it?”  
  
Ryan clenched his teeth and made his voice to come out detached and even. “It’s not going to happen.”  
  
“Did you have a fight?”   
  
“No, it’s just. Not going to happen.” He watched the leaves in her hand crumble and swirl to the ground. “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
Gabriella stayed quiet for a moment, gazing at him sadly. “Can I do something?”  
  
Ryan sighed and couldn’t look at her or say anything, but shook his head.   
  
She frowned sorrowfully and whispered, “You were so happy.”  
  
Ryan bent his head and tried to remember how to take calming breaths because he was not going to cry about this. He hadn’t cried about it. It was not something to cry about. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t a big deal.   
  
Slowly, he lifted his head and thought about telling her that he didn’t like her boyfriend and that even if Chad wasn’t madly in love with Taylor, Troy would throw a fit if Ryan came anywhere near his best friend. But Ryan didn’t have the strength to say anything else, afraid he’d just end up hurting more.   
  
His cellphone chose that moment to buzz from the inside of his sweater pocket. Ryan pulled it out and saw his sister was trying to call him. He didn’t answer, but showed the name on the display to Gabriella. “Shar’s probably ready to go,” he said as he stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”  
  
She stood with him and couldn’t help looking worried. “Okay. Call me if you need anything. Or if I can do anything. I will. Just… let me know.”  
  
Ryan pasted on a smile for her and promised he would before vanishing down the stairs.


	16. She Dreams of a Boy Who Is Under a Spell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan comes to a decision, plays relationship counselor, and Sharpay learns something from Ryan and Zeke.

  
  
As he stood in the middle of his closet early Saturday morning, Ryan stared and wondered why he had slacks that were _that_ shade of teal. Teal was a fairly horrible color anyway, but those pants had to be inexcusable. Disgusted, he pulled them off their hanger and threw them out of his closet.   
  
He flipped through the rest of his selection, flung a pair made of brown corduroy out with the teal ones, then a pair of stonewashed jeans, then slick navy blue slacks, and seriously contemplated just wearing his stretchy black yoga pants all weekend.   
  
Giving up on bottoms all together – which didn’t escape him as terribly funny – Ryan turned to his collection of shirts and sweaters. After throwing out every white polo he had just because he could, Ryan slowly searched through his dress shirts and found an orange t-shirt that he didn’t even recognize mixed in with them. He tugged it off the hanger and held it up for inspection. Bright yellow letters proclaiming “Mom Likes Me Best” stared back at him.   
  
Ryan considered the shirt for a long moment and almost tossed it, but sighed and folded it neatly and stuck it on a shelf in the very back of his closet.   
  
Turning back to the task at hand, Ryan attacked his remaining dress shirts and threw out five of them that were too crinkly or too perky or just completely hideous.   
  
When he spun to pitch his sixth shirt, he found Sharpay standing in his closet doorway in the way of his pile of discarded attire.   
  
She held her hand up and tipped her head. “So, why _is_ it raining clothes in your bedroom?”  
  
Ryan tossed her his latest rejected garment and went back to searching. “Because they’re ugly and I don’t like them.”  
  
“Ah,” Sharpay said and chucked the shirt he’d given her with an accented, “You’re out!”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow at her. “Okay. No more _Project Runway_ for you.”  
  
Tossing her hair over her shoulders, Sharpay walked toward him, ready to end his struggle. “You just miss Laura from last season,” she commented, considering a pair of charcoal slacks.   
  
“She was all about sparkles and being fabulous. How could you not miss her?”  
  
Sharpay grinned at him, studied his wardrobe intently for several minutes, and then pulled down a pair of khaki pants and a sunny yellow dress shirt.   
  
He looked down at her pleated, shimmery yellow skirt and her ivory cashmere sweater. “You want me to match you?”  
  
“Well, you can’t clash with me,” she said, holding the clothes out to him. “That would be tragic.”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes and took the pants. “Fine. But pick a different shirt.”  
  
She wrinkled her forehead and tried to determine what was wrong with it. “Why?”  
  
Sighing, Ryan crossed his arms and stared at the shirt before he looked at his sister. “That was a Christmas present from Chad,” he said softly but made his face emotionless.   
  
She wrinkled her nose and started toward the discard pile with it. Ryan took it from her and slid it back on a hanger, returning the shirt to where it had been.   
  
Reproachfully shaking her head, Sharpay pulled down a shirt with stripes of green, white, pink, blue, and purple. “Here,” she said with a smirk. “Happy and bright and gay.”   
  
He rolled his eyes again, but took the shirt and walked out of the closet with her.   
  
She stared down at the heap of rejected clothes thoughtfully. “I think I need to take you shopping.”  
  
Ryan looked around for something that could hold all his unwanted clothes. “Really?”  
  
“Yes, you threw out half your closet.”  
  
Lightly, Ryan laughed, “Not even.”  
  
“Well, we should anyway,” she said and perched on his desk. “It’ll make you feel better.”  
  
Ryan stopped and turned to her suspiciously. “You’re in an _awfully_ good mood.”  
  
“What?” she held up her hands. “I can’t be bright and gay, too?”  
  
Still eyeing her warily, Ryan opted for an empty laundry hamper for the time being.  
  
“Mom said she’d take us out today,” Sharpay said, staring at her nails while Ryan cleared away his clothes. “Since dad is away for the weekend.”  
  
“Mmhmm,” he mumbled curtly. “And?”  
  
“And you love Mom,” she gave him a sickeningly sweet smile.  
  
“Right,” Ryan said distrustfully. “And?”  
  
“And you love me,” she said, perky and cheerful, and Ryan really started to worry about her.   
  
Still shoving clothes into his hamper, he raised an eyebrow in response.  
  
“And we’re having dinner at Zeke’s restaurant. He’s coming home with us after work.”  
  
“Ah, there we go,” Ryan smirked. “You want me to distract Mom while you go grope your boyfriend.”  
  
“No! Well. Yes,” she said and gave him her best winning grin.  
  
Rolling his eyes, he left Sharpay in his room while he dressed, though he was still thinking yoga pants and a nice t-shirt were the better plan. But he figured his mom and sister and real clothes might help more and returned from his bathroom fully dressed.   
  
Frowning, Sharpay tilted her head as she looked at him.   
  
“What?” Ryan looked down at his outfit. “You chose it.”  
  
She shook her head. “You still look tired. And kind of sick.”  
  
He sighed hopelessly, turning and digging socks from his dresser. He sat on his bed and pulled on his socks as he asked, “You still want to go shopping?”  
  
Her frown deepened. “You’re not ready.”  
  
Looking down at his feet, he explained, “My blue and white tennis shoes are downstairs.”  
  
Her eyes widened and she dropped her arms with disbelief. Walking to him, she reached up and tousled his hair.   
  
He turned away and ran a hand over his head protectively, and then realized what she meant. “Oh,” he said self-consciously. “Go pick one out for me?”  
  
She eyed him for a minute then went to his closet and returned with a light blue and pink cap.   
  
He smoothed his hair and put on the hat she’d chosen. “Better?”  
  
She huffed and swished to the door. “Come on.”  
  
Ryan sighed and followed her.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Sharpay taking him shopping turned into Ryan watching her try on clothes – which was fine with him really. He didn’t need any clothes and wasn’t in the mood to do anything more taxing than wait outside her dressing room while she periodically emerged and asked his opinion on every new outfit.   
  
After a good hour, she stepped out in a short, slinky, low-cut dress that showed off much more of his sister than Ryan ever wanted to see.   
  
“Shar,” he started lightly, warily tipping his head sideways. “Nicest way possible? You look like a hooker.”  
  
She glanced back at the mirror, tipped her head, scrunched her hair, and asked, “A cheap one or an expensive one?”  
  
Closing his eyes and shaking his head to get rid of that image, Ryan implored, “Don’t get it. Please. Just… don’t. If you do, I’ll be forced to steal it.” He realized what he’d said after a second and quickly added, “So I can throw it out!”  
  
She rolled her eyes and shut her dressing room door so she could change. “I could have Zeke keep it for me,” she said with a smirk in her voice. “I bet he’d approve of it.”  
  
Ryan covered his face with both hands. “So many things I didn’t need to know.”  
  
“Ry,” she said in her scolding tone. “Leave the prudishness to good little Miss Montez.”  
  
His forehead wrinkled as he considered the epithet and then snipped, “I’m sorry if I don’t want to think about my sister playing hooker with her boyfriend.”  
  
She laughed brightly.   
  
Ryan rolled his eyes and figured at least she was amused. He slouched and balanced his head on his hand until his mom breezed past him and draped another bundle of clothes over Sharpay’s door.   
  
“Here, pumpkin,” she said with a smile. “You can try these ones, too.”  
  
Ryan folded his hands in his lap and sat up a little as his mom twirled away from the door and sat in the chair beside him.   
  
He rested his head on her shoulder for a brief moment, but when he lifted it and turned away, she reached out and gently stroked his cheek with the back of her hand.   
  
“Why so blue, sunshine?” she asked tenderly.  
  
He sighed then shook his head and shrugged.  
  
“I don’t like seeing you so sad,” she said. “You have such a pretty smile.”  
  
He bit his lip before it quivered too much. “I’m okay, Mom,” he said in a rough, quiet voice, but hoped he was convincing even just a little. Unfortunately, his mom didn’t look like she bought it at all, but she simply rested her arm between them and within reach.   
  
He reached out and slipped his hand over hers.   
  
Smiling softly, she squeezed his fingers. “Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
Again, Ryan shook his head. He looked up and Sharpay was standing in front of them, holding the top of the glossy burgundy dress she had on.   
  
She gave Ryan a look that he pointedly ignored before turning and pointing to her back. “Zip me?”  
  
Ryan let go so his mom could stand and fulfill his sister’s request. After gaining approval, Sharpay swirled happily back into the changing room, pleased with her fluttery dress.   
  
Ryan’s mom stood over him contemplatively for a moment before returning to her seat. She was quiet, but Ryan knew she was still studying him.  
  
He sighed and admitted, “I don’t know what to do.” He met her eyes and saw them full of sad concern. “It just…”  He looked down and whispered, “It keeps hurting.”  
  
She stroked his cheek again and lifted his chin. “You control your own happiness, sweetheart. If there’s something you want, I know you can achieve it.”  
  
He swallowed and told her, “I don’t know how.”  
  
“Are you sure?” she asked like she had complete faith in him. “It might not be easy to get what you want, but I think you can figure out how.”  
  
He stared into her warm eyes for a moment before turning and slumping in his chair. He probably could figure it out. In fact, the more the thought about it, he did know what he should do.   
  
If he wanted to get over Chad, he had to let him go.  
  
~*~*~  
  
To Sharpay’s great annoyance, Ryan spent the rest of the afternoon in silence. The more he didn’t talk, the angrier it made her. She accused him of being spiteful, tried to bribe him with promises of being pleasant and sweet, even threatened to tell their mom why she thought he was so depressed.   
  
Ryan simply continued with the worst possible thing he could do to Sharpay – he ignored her. Of course, he wasn’t being spiteful, wasn’t trying to upset her. He was just thinking.   
  
Obviously, he wanted to get over it. He was sick of feeling this way and so very tired of hurting and not sleeping and everything else.   
  
But to forget Chad and let go of everything? Ryan didn’t know if he was seriously capable of doing so.   
  
He could accept that Chad meant something, mostly because he really failed at denying it. But to think about what Chad meant to him and how much, and then acknowledge that he would never have that? Ryan would have to relinquish any possibility, any memory, any _hope_ that he had left.   
  
He’d have to forget about the way Chad looked at him and smiled at him and how it felt being with him. Forget Chad’s full lips and warm skin and strong arms and deep, deep brown eyes. Forget the way Chad stroked his hair and the way he hugged Ryan tightly even when people were watching.  
  
He’d definitely have to stay away from Chad – trying to be friends and trying to forget was just too painful.   
  
He’d have to forget how gently but hungrily Chad had kissed him.  
  
He’d have to admit that losing Chad maybe was worth crying over.  
  
How in the world was Ryan supposed to do any of that? How could he tell Chad goodbye?  
  
Ryan managed to order his dinner though he didn’t know why he even attempted. He could still barely eat anything. But he also knew it completely freaked his sister out when he didn’t eat.   
  
She frowned at him all through dinner, until Zeke finished his shift and met them at their table with desserts from the kitchen and she forgot all about bothering her brother.   
  
Grinning brightly, she pulled Zeke down to sit beside her, kissing him long and deep as she snuggled close and put a hand on the center of his chest.   
  
Ryan rolled his eyes and looked away as the kissing became more… wet and obvious and there started to be hands and clutching involved.   
  
“Kitten,” their mom said, neatly stacking her silverware. “No tongues at the table.”  
  
For a brief moment, Ryan smirked. He knew he loved his mom for a reason.   
  
Sharpay pouted but settled for kissing the underside of Zeke’s jaw and sliding a hand up his thigh which Ryan was sure their mom couldn’t see so he didn’t know why he had to.   
  
As he looked away, he noticed a couple from another table staring at Sharpay and Zeke who seemed to have the same opinion, though the looks they gave made Ryan feel thoroughly unnerved.   
  
There was a lot more than disdain for public displays of affection in the way they scowled.   
  
His mom smiled sweetly at Zeke then stood and stroked a lock of Sharpay’s hair. “Honey, join me in the ladies room, won’t you?”  
  
Looking horribly inconvenienced, Sharpay begrudgingly untangled herself from Zeke and followed her mom.  
  
Worriedly, Zeke watched Sharpay until she turned the corner and then turned to Ryan. “I didn’t get her in trouble, did I?”  
  
Ryan shook his head and picked up a spoon, twirling it in his ice cream. “No, she’s probably getting a safe sex lecture.”  
  
Zeke blushed guilty. “Wow. That’s… awkward.”  
  
Nodding, Ryan dug his spoon through his brownie and vanilla ice cream and took a small bite.   
  
Zeke shrugged off his kitchen smock and scooted further into their booth. Ryan resumed twirling his spoon and noticed the scowling couple get up and leave, pointedly glaring at Zeke. The unnerved feeling in Ryan’s chest flared and deepened until he was sure he’d be seething if he didn’t keep himself in control.  
  
Ryan’s eyes narrowed and he glared viciously until they were gone.   
  
Zeke looked up at him curiously. “What was that about?”  
  
“They were staring at you,” Ryan said, furious that something like that would happen to Zeke of all people. Zeke who was joyful and considerate and loved everyone. “You and Shar.”  
  
“Oh,” Zeke said indifferently, taking a sip from Sharpay’s water glass.   
  
“Oh?” Ryan scoffed and couldn’t get over what burned like rage in his chest. “ _Oh_ , just oh?”  
  
Tipping his head uncertainly, Zeke asked, “What did you want me to say?”  
  
“ _Something_! I know looks like that. _I’ve gotten_ looks like that. Anytime I hold hands with another guy I get looks like that.”  
  
Zeke sighed. “I’m sorry people do that to you. But it’s not a big deal for me.”  
  
“Are you kidding?” Ryan demanded angrily. “How can that… I mean… doesn’t it piss you off?”  
  
Zeke shrugged. “Ry. Man, there are a lot of people who don’t know any better. No, it’s not right, but,” he sighed and said with conviction, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care.”  
  
“You don’t?” Ryan frowned because he certainly cared. Maybe he wasn’t especially close to Zeke, but he’d like to think that Zeke was his friend.   
  
Calmly, Zeke shook his head. “I love Sharpay,” he said in a thick, sincere voice. “I love her… So. Much. I’d do anything for her.” He paused and actually looked distantly dreamy. “I don’t care because I still always want to be with her.”  
  
Anger fading, Ryan looked at him thoughtfully and truly believed that Zeke meant every word. “I’m sorry,” he said even though he thought it sounded feeble.   
  
Zeke shook his head and gave Ryan a genuine smile.   
  
Ryan picked up his spoon, swirled it through his dessert again, and inevitably, wondered about Chad. Even if Chad weren’t straight, would he feel the same way as Zeke? Ryan really wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Being in a relationship so many people disapproved of was never easy. Maybe it really was better for Chad to be in love with Taylor.   
  
Ryan slouched and pushed away his plate, his heart aching for more than one reason.   
  
Sharpay returned to the table and snuggled back up against Zeke though her manner was less “I must touch him everywhere” and more “I just talked about condoms with my mother.” She lifted Zeke’s arm and wrapped it around her, contemptuously eyeing Ryan.  
  
He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d gotten out of a horribly embarrassing sex talk or because he still had barely touched his dessert, but figured it was most likely both.   
  
On the drive home, Ryan sat in the front seat next to his mom while Sharpay had settled in the back with Zeke. He focused on ignoring their giggling and whatever else they might be doing behind him. And thought about how to say goodbye. How could he get the closure he needed to move on? How could he tell someone he loved more than the whole world to not be a part of his life?   
  
Ryan cradled his head in his hand and stared out the window until Sharpay poked his shoulder.   
  
“Sing ‘Schadenfreude’ with me,” she said, smiling.  
  
Ryan shifted toward her. “What?”  
  
“It’s funny! I want Zeke to hear it.”  
  
“Put it on the stereo,” he said, turning back to his window. “I don’t want to sing.”  
  
He could practically feel the irritated confusion she aimed at him. “How could you not want to sing?”  
  
“Because I don’t.”  
  
For a few seconds she was quiet, but reminded in an emotional voice, “You always want to sing.”  
  
“I don’t right now,” he said with more annoyance than he probably should have.  
  
“You know,” she started, perfectly cold and considered. “If you won’t say anything, that’s fine. I know what’s wrong with you. I know what happened. I told you it would happen. That fucking–”  
  
“Sharpay,” her mom scolded as she pulled up to their estate.   
  
“That hateful closeted jock,” Sharpay amended but spat the words like they were just as vile. “Who only thinks of himself and his stupid basketball. I told you he was horrible! I told you he just wanted to fuck you and leave you!”  
  
“He didn’t!” Ryan retorted and promised in the direction of his mom, “We didn’t. Even. Anything,” then turned and snapped at his sister, “Would you just shut up!”  
  
Slapping a hand on Ryan’s seat, Sharpay leaned forward like she wanted to beat sense into him. “He’s dated half the cheerleaders at school. He hates everything you love. He–”  
  
“Well, you got what you wanted, okay?” Ryan said, thankful he could bail from the car. “I’m not with him!”  
  
“That’s not what I wanted,” Sharpay countered as she followed him into the house. “I wanted you not to get hurt.”  
  
“No, you didn’t,” Ryan laughed mirthlessly. “You don’t like him,” he emphasized as he stopped in a relatively private corner near the kitchen. “And you didn’t want me with him because you don’t like him.”  
  
“Well, I knew he would do this! I knew he would break your heart. Do you even realize what he’s done to you!?”  
  
“It’s not his fault that he’s in love with Taylor!” Ryan snapped and then realized that he’d probably given away whom he and Sharpay were fighting about. At least to Zeke, who had, naturally, followed Sharpay.   
  
Self-consciously, Ryan turned away.   
  
“You are such a doormat!” she gestured angrily. “How can you let him hurt you like this!?”  
  
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to,” Zeke interjected in a calm, earnest voice.   
  
Ryan and Sharpay immediately stopped and turned to stare at him.   
  
Obviously, Ryan didn’t know everything about Zeke and Sharpay’s relationship, but he was fairly certain that Zeke had never said one contradictory word to her.   
  
“What,” Sharpay demanded, dangerously quiet, as she stepped toward him.  
  
“Look, I don’t know what happened. But Chad wouldn’t do that,” Zeke attested.   
  
Ryan recoiled at hearing the name out loud and knew Zeke glanced at him before telling Sharpay, “I know how much he cares about your brother.”  
  
Ryan looked up and met Zeke’s eyes, comforted for a moment that what he thought about Chad and what he felt from Chad was real.   
  
“You’re siding with _Danforth_ over _me_?” she spat, but her voice trembled. “You don’t even know what happened! You can’t tell how much he’s hurt Ryan. How dare you stick up for him after what he did!”  
  
“What did he do?” Zeke asked, innocent and unassuming.   
  
Immediately, Ryan stepped in. “Nothing! He didn’t. Do. Anything,” he explained and hoped Sharpay would listen. “It’s not his fault if he doesn’t feel the same way. I never asked… that of him.”  
  
Sharpay crossed her arms, glaring coldly at her brother and her boyfriend.   
  
“He’d never hurt him on purpose,” Zeke said gently. “I know he wouldn’t.”  
  
Ryan turned to give Zeke a thankful look, but Sharpay pushed him out of the way and hissed in Zeke’s face, “Leave. Right _fucking_ now! I don’t want to see you. I can’t stand to look at you. You’re just like all the others! I don’t ever want to talk to you again!”  
  
She spun before Ryan or Zeke could say anything, whipping her hair and storming up the stairs to her bedroom. Ryan flinched when her door slammed, but Zeke remained motionless.   
  
Quietly, Ryan assured, “She doesn’t mean it. She’s mad at me and taking it out on you.”  
  
Zeke slowly nodded but appeared completely distressed.   
  
Ryan started to reach out to touch Zeke’s arm, but hesitated and dropped his hand back to his side. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her.” Ryan stared at him for a minute, waiting for Zeke to move. “Do you want me to give you a ride home?” he offered.   
  
Shaking his head, Zeke said in a rough voice, “No, my dad was going to be here soon anyway.” Dazedly, he walked over to the bench in the front bay window. “Do you know what she meant?”  
  
Ryan followed and sat in a chair near Zeke. “No, but I promise she’s just upset.”  
  
Zeke bent his head, utterly crushed. “I knew it would happen sooner or later. That she wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”  
  
Ryan wrinkled his eyebrows. “Why do you think that?”  
  
“All we do is…” Zeke stopped and looked bashful. “You know. And whatever she wants. And that’s fine,” he said honestly. “But I know she doesn’t feel the way I do. I knew sometime she’d…” He looked up at Ryan and said in a pained whisper, “Be done with me.”  
  
Ryan swallowed and felt as broken as Zeke must. He and Chad hadn’t gotten as far as Sharpay and Zeke, but it was still a horrible, excruciating feeling to almost have what you so desperately wanted but know you would never actually have it.   
  
Unsteadily, Ryan took a breath and reassured, “You know she’s never been happy with anyone like she is with you?”  
  
“Really?” Zeke asked a little brighter.  
  
“Yeah,” Ryan said softly. “I don’t know exactly. But you’re the guy who’s been around the longest. The only one she wants to spend all her time with.”  
  
Uncertain, but hopeful, Zeke sat up a little. “You mean that?”  
  
Ryan nodded. “I think you’re good for her,” he smiled faintly but supportively. “You’re definitely my favorite. Besides you, she has the worst taste in guys.”  
  
Zeke smiled a little, his positive demeanor returning, then asked, “What about Troy?”  
  
Nervously, Ryan glanced away. “Troy doesn’t like me.”   
  
Zeke gave him a look.   
  
“Okay, I don’t really like him either,” Ryan admitted. “But. I try. I mean he’s…” Ryan stopped, afraid to say anything more.  
  
“Chad’s best friend?” Zeke finished and Ryan gave a small, guilty nod. Zeke tipped his head thoughtfully. “Why don’t you like Troy?”  
  
Ryan sighed and didn’t know where to start, but figured the best thing he could do was to go with the most recent. “He told me to stay away from Chad. Because he thinks I’m messing with him. Hurting him.”  
  
Furrowing his forehead, Zeke confusedly asked, “Why?”  
  
Ryan shrugged. “He said Chad told him that he’s in love with Taylor and only wants to be with Taylor. And,” Ryan’s voice broke, hurt from having to repeat it. “She’s the only one he’s ever wanted to be with and he doesn’t have any feelings for me and Troy doesn’t know why I ever…” Taking a deep breath, Ryan whispered slowly, “Why I ever thought he could.”  
  
Shaken, Ryan looked at the floor.   
  
“I thought so, too,” Zeke said softly.   
  
Ryan immediately turned to Zeke, shocked and wounded that he would take Troy’s side, and wondered if Sharpay was feeling the same thing.  
  
“I mean!” Zeke quickly corrected. “I thought Chad was in love with you, too.”  
  
Ryan softened apologetically, but couldn’t make those words not hurt either. “Thanks,” he said quietly.   
  
After assuring and promising his mom that everything was all right, Ryan waited with Zeke in silence until Zeke’s father showed up and took him home.   
  
Ryan sighed as he stood at the bottom of the stairs and then ventured up to Sharpay’s bedroom. He found the door open just a crack, which he took as a very good sign, and pushed it open all the way, leaning on the frame.   
  
Sharpay got up from her vanity like she had been waiting for him, dressed in velvety pink pajamas and twisting her hair in a towel. “I. Hate. Men,” she hissed.   
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow and pointed to the hallway. “You want me to leave then?”  
  
“You’re not men!”  
  
“Um. Shar…”  
  
“You know what I mean!” she said, angrily throwing her towel in the general direction of her laundry. “You’re my brother, you’re not _them_.”  
  
Smiling, Ryan nodded. “So, why do we hate men?”  
  
Ignoring his question, she crossed her arms and asked, “Are all of them like that?”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
She picked up her brush and furiously ripped it through her damp hair. “The ‘buds before babes’ and ‘bros before hos’ and all that fucking misogynistic bullshit where men put themselves before anything else. Even the women they supposedly care about.”  
  
Ryan stared blankly, unsure of what he could possibly say to that. “Um. No?”  
  
“Really?” she said, unconvinced. “So, why do they all pick their stupid guy friends over their girlfriend?”  
  
“Well, most of the time a friendship is a relationship that lasts longer than one with a girlfriend. Or boyfriend.”  
  
“I know that!” she snapped, still tearing at her hair. “That’s not the problem.”  
  
Ryan snatched the brush away. “Don’t take it out on your hair.” He guided her to sit at her vanity and carefully combed out the wet tangles. After a few minutes, he plaited her hair and started a braid, then asked delicately, “What is the problem?”  
  
He studied her pensively, watching her glare at him in her mirror. “Shar, Zeke didn’t pick Chad over you. He wouldn’t pick anyone over you.”  
  
“I know he didn’t! I don’t care about that!”  
  
Ryan sighed and fastened her braid with a pink hair tie. “So. What’s really wrong?”  
  
She bit her lip and narrowed her eyebrows, looking anguished. “Zeke is tired of me and you are completely messed up and Mom thinks I’m irresponsible and I don’t want you to be not talking and moping and I hate that you like him and now my head hurts and I’m getting crampy and I am _so fucking sick of all of it!_ ”  
  
Sharpay bent her head and wiped at her eyes.   
  
Gazing at her sadly, Ryan shut her door and pulled her over to her bed. He directed her to lie on her stomach and pulled pink blankets over her, leaning on his side on top of the covers. He brushed her bangs off her forehead then rubbed her lower back with a gentle hand.   
  
Tears fell from her eyes, but she made a soft, appreciative noise. “It’s too bad you aren’t straight,” she mumbled softly.   
  
Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”  
  
She inclined her head toward the hand at her back. “You’re really good at that.”  
  
He smiled. “I’ll just save them all for you.” He pressed fingers into her muscles so she wouldn’t be hurting, then asked quietly, “Why do you think Zeke is tired of you?”  
  
Her eyes closed for a moment and made more tears slip over her nose and cheeks. “I know I’m… not easy. I know I’m high maintenance. I know that, okay?” she said aggravated, but broken. “But now he’s just like all the others and he’ll get tired of it and he’ll leave. And I don’t know how to be any different. I won’t be any different,” she said firmly, before she whispered, “But I don’t want him to leave.”  
  
Ryan stopped for a second and realized he could have assured Zeke the way he really wanted to. Sharpay loved her boyfriend just as much as he loved her.  
  
“He’s not like everyone else,” Ryan told her confidently. “He never was. He’s happy when you’re happy. He likes making you happy and he’s just as scared that you’re going to get tired of him.”  
  
She frowned and looked down at her mattress.   
  
“You need to tell him,” he said.   
  
She glared at him, not amused.  
  
Ryan sat up and ran a hand over her hair. “No, listen to me. I know you love him even if you haven’t said it, even if you don’t want to say it.”   
  
She rolled over and crossed her arms, sitting up in her bed.   
  
“I know it’s scary, believe me, I know,” Ryan said and tried not to sound damaged. “But he. Loves. You. He thinks the world of you and he treats you like it, too.” He stared at her and sighed, wanting to convince her. “You should tell him you love him.”  
  
Working very hard on staying mad, she scowled defiantly, but even her silence told Ryan that he was right.   
  
“Don’t give this up just because you’re upset or angry or scared,” he insisted. “Because as much as he loves you, you can hurt him the same amount.” Ryan paused and tried to regain composure, but couldn’t help feeling what he was saying. “And there’s only so much hurt a person can take. Even if you love someone more than anything,” he whispered brokenly.   
  
Her expression changed from rebellious to scrutinizing, and she looked at him quiet and thoughtful. “What is it about this one?”  
  
“What one?”  
  
“ _Your_ one.”  
  
He sighed and looked away.   
  
“Is it because you thought he liked you?” she asked. “Or the stupid pretty hair? Or because he stuck around?”  
  
Ryan took a deep breath, shaking off everything until he was left with numbness. “It’s because he listened when I talked. And remembered things that were important to me. And because he was never ashamed to be seen with me. Even if people thought we were together. He didn’t care.” He swallowed hard, trying to stay unaffected. “And because he treats me like I’m… special and worthwhile and like I’m the one he’s always been missing.”  
  
Sharpay huffed and looked down at her satiny blanket. “Maybe he was a good one.”  
  
“Yeah, he was a good one,” Ryan whispered, then told her persistently, “Zeke is also a good one.”  
  
“Okay, I get it. I know you love Zeke.” She stared at him contemplatively. “Are you going to tell me what happened? With… Chad?”  
  
Sighing, Ryan shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”  
  
“But you’re–”  
  
“And I’m going to fix it.”  
  
She frowned warily, but let out a long breath and wriggled lower in her bed. “You want to stay? Watch a movie?”  
  
Ryan again shook his head. “There’s something I need to do.” She raised her eyebrow, but he leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Love you.”  
  
She watched almost worriedly as he walked away. “You too,” she said before he shut her door.  
  
Closing his eyes, Ryan breathed deeply then reached into his pocket and pulled out his cellphone.  
  
“Hey!” Chad’s voice said, giving away his excitement. “What’s up?”  
  
“Are you busy?” Ryan asked slowly.  
  
“No.”  
  
“You want to borrow a car and meet me?”  
  
“Sure,” Chad said and Ryan knew he was smiling. “Where?”  
  
~*~*~  
  
“So,” Chad started as he walked beside Ryan. “Why here?”  
  
“Because out of anywhere,” Ryan said as he walked ahead and spun on the pitcher’s mound with his arms out. “This is the place that makes me think of you,” he said with a soft smile, slipping his hands into his pockets.  
  
Chad grinned and dropped the bag Ryan had asked him to carry. “Okay. You wanna play?”  
  
Ryan looked around and raised an eyebrow. “Just us? With no equipment?”  
  
“Yeah, you’re an actor,” he said, moving backwards and posing like he had a bat ready. “Come on, Evans.”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes, but grinned and mimed throwing a ball at Chad.   
  
Chad swung at the imaginary pitch and took off toward first base.   
  
“No way would you hit my first pitch!” Ryan called.  
  
“Yeah, well, look! I did!” Chad yelled back as he rounded second base. “Come and get me!”  
  
Ryan sighed, but took off toward him, stopping on the baseline between third and home.   
  
Instead of trying to run past him, Chad threw his arms around Ryan, spinning them both as if they were dancing.   
  
Laughing and shaking his head, Ryan let Chad twirl him. “You’re ridiculous,” he told Chad, beaming affectionately.  
  
Chad grinned, bright and blissful, then said slowly as he stroked Ryan’s arm, “You seem… better.”  
  
Determined to keep it that way, Ryan sighed deeply. “I am,” he nodded. He could do this. He could. He just had to focus on how it _would_ make things better. If he did this, he could move on and stop hurting. And he wanted to stop hurting.   
  
But there was no reason to do anything just yet. Not when Chad was so happy. And Ryan so loved being with him and seeing him happy. Ryan could have one more perfect moment. He deserved that much.   
  
After retrieving the bundle Chad had dropped, Ryan motioned and started for the outfield.   
  
Chad slowly spun as he followed, taking in everything. “You know,” he said, looking around Lava Springs. “It makes me think of you, too.”  
  
Ryan smiled and unfurled a sleeping bag on the grass.   
  
Chad flopped onto the ground, right in the middle of the open sleeping bag. “You going to join the team in the spring?”   
  
Sitting cross-legged beside Chad, Ryan shrugged. “Haven’t decided.”  
  
“You should,” he said and poked Ryan’s leg. “You’d be the best player we have.”  
  
“Don’t try to tempt me,” Ryan smiled.   
  
Chad smirked slyly and sat up, scooting closer to Ryan. “So, why’d you bring me out here?”  
  
Ryan sighed. “I wanted to see you.”  
  
Chad’s eyes sparkled as he grinned, and Ryan felt a little melty and dizzy.   
  
He stared at Chad for a moment and then wondered. “Actually,” Ryan said slowly. “There’s something I want to know.”  
  
“Yeah?” Chad asked, looking up at the sky.  
  
Ryan nodded. “I spent time with Shar and Zeke today. And I was just… thinking and I wondered how you would feel about it.”  
  
“How I’d feel about what?”  
  
“I don’t want to offend you.”  
  
Confused, Chad turned to look at him. “What do you want to know?”   
  
Pursing his lips, Ryan tried to think of how to say it.   
  
“You have to tell me otherwise I don’t know how I feel about it.”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes at Chad’s smirk. “I know,” Ryan said. “When we had dinner, there were people glaring at Shar and Zeke. In an ‘I can’t stand to see you together’ kind of way.”  
  
“How do I feel about that? I feel that people are ignorant and intolerable.”  
  
“I mean,” Ryan sighed and wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer. Maybe it was better not knowing, but Chad tipped his head adorably and Ryan gave in. “I was curious how you would feel about… being with someone...”  
  
Chad’s humorous demeanor disappeared and he smiled at Ryan softly. “How would I feel about being with someone who’s white?”  
  
Ryan bit his lip and nodded lightly.   
  
After thinking for a minute, Chad answered, “Race doesn’t disappear because you’re with someone, but it’s not why you love them. It’s a different relationship. Maybe a more difficult one sometimes, but every relationship has issues.”  
  
Ryan studied him for a moment. “Is that a yes? Or a no?”  
  
Chad laughed. “You don’t choose who you fall in love with. Sure, you can choose not to be with them, but,” he paused and met Ryan’s eyes. “I’d rather be with the person I love. Fuck what anyone else believes.”  
  
Laughing, Ryan nodded until the bittersweet feeling shrouded his heart. He took a cleansing breath and figured he should reciprocate. “You wanna know my answer?”  
  
Chad smirked and leaned back on the sleeping bag. “I know your answer.”  
  
“You do?” Ryan asked, a little shocked. And nervous. “How?”  
  
“Okay, after all these months I’ve spent with you,” Chad said, thumping the space beside him. “You want to know what I’ve learned?”  
  
Ryan lay down beside him, propped on an elbow. “What?”  
  
“You don’t take love lightly,” Chad said confidently, lifting the hat from Ryan’s head and twirling it around his finger. “It means the world to you. So, it doesn’t matter what anyone says or thinks. You wouldn’t let anything get in the way.”   
  
Smoothing down his hair, Ryan felt himself blush and nodded a little. Chad did know him really well.   
  
Smiling, Chad set the hat behind him and turned on his side toward Ryan. “You don’t let go of the things you love. I bet you’d give up everything for what you love the most.”   
  
As he felt dreadful tightening in his chest, Ryan’s smile faded, but Chad looked at him like he was impressed.   
  
“You love so much and so strong... You’re the kind of person who could be in love forever.” Chad swallowed and glanced down. “The guy who gets you is going to be really lucky.”  
  
Ryan bit his lip hard, wanting so much for it to be Chad.   
  
Chad looked up and continued, “You’re beautiful when you love something. You’re so happy, you light up.” He touched a finger to Ryan’s chest. “That’s what makes you glow. Because you love the things that make you happy. And when you’re happy and love something,” Chad sighed, sad and wistful, and caught Ryan’s gaze. “You shine brighter than everything.”  
  
Ryan’s lip quivered, his heart twisting in his chest. “You really think of me like that?” he asked, trembly and shattered.   
  
Looking at him worriedly, Chad nodded.   
  
Ryan looked down and tried to breathe deeply, but a tear streamed down his cheek.   
  
Chad immediately reached for him, pulling Ryan down beside him. “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said, cupping Ryan’s face and thumbing away the wetness.  
  
Ryan shook his head, and tightly wrapped an arm around Chad as he settled on his side in Chad’s arms. Shivering, Ryan sniffed, but didn’t cry anymore. He felt Chad’s fingers in his hair and his warmth and strength all around him. And Chad thought he was beautiful. Biting his lip, Ryan softly said, “I love you.”  
  
Chad leaned forward and pressed a kiss high on Ryan’s cheekbone near the corner of his eye. “Can I do something?”  
  
Ryan nodded. He knew what he was supposed to do. He knew he should say goodbye. But he just couldn’t. Not yet. Not when Chad was so perfect.   
  
Closing his eyes, Ryan whispered, “Don’t let me go.”


	17. Too Hard to Watch it All Slowly Fade Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad gathers the pieces of the puzzle and gets something figured out.

_Biting his lip, Ryan softly said, “I love you.”  
  
Chad leaned forward and pressed a kiss high on Ryan’s cheekbone near the corner of his eye. “Can I do something?”  
  
Ryan nodded. He knew what he was supposed to do. He knew he should say goodbye. But he just couldn’t. Not yet. Not when Chad was so perfect.   
  
Closing his eyes, Ryan whispered, “Don’t let me go.”_  
  
~*~*~  
  
It was something Chad knew.   
  
He’d known for a while, in fact. He was Ryan’s best friend and he could see how happy Ryan was when they were together. Maybe Ryan didn’t mean it as much as Chad wanted, but _god_ it felt good to actually hear it.   
  
Chad could pretend Ryan said it the way he wanted. It was easy to watch the way Ryan smiled softly and imagine he was as gone over Chad as Chad was over him.   
  
Ryan confided in him and challenged him and wanted Chad to never let him go. And if there weren’t things like school and curfew and mothers who would wait up and worry, Chad so totally would. He wanted to stay with Ryan snuggled against him and wrapped around him and he’d definitely do it forever. Especially on the baseball field at Lava Springs. It was somehow poetic.   
  
But the light faded and the air grew colder and the world just wouldn’t listen to him when he implored it to stop turning.   
  
As he held Ryan tighter, he had to worry. He could practically feel how much Ryan was aching from unrequited love. And fuck if Chad didn’t empathize.   
  
It was all he could do not to kiss Ryan and beg him to forget everyone else. Chad would love him the way he deserved.   
  
Maybe now that Ryan was feeling better and opening up more, he would see things differently. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t want anyone else. Ever.  Maybe he’d realize how much Chad loved him.   
  
And how much Chad was not going to let him settle for anything less.   
  
~*~*~  
  
After waiting mostly patiently for homeroom to end on Monday, Chad sauntered up to Ryan and draped an arm over his shoulders. “Hey, you,” he said with a beaming smile.   
  
Ryan leaned away to pick up his bag. “Hey.”  
  
When Ryan turned to start for his next class, Chad followed eagerly. “You want to study with me later?”  
  
“Study?”  
  
Chad laughed and nudged Ryan’s arm. “Yeah, didn’t McCann give your class an essay, too? I was thinking we could do it together. Well, not in the ‘they nail us for plagiarism’ sense, but you know. Sitting next to each other and writing. That kind of together.”  
  
Ryan stopped walking and made a dash toward the lockers and out of the flow of traffic. “You want to study? With me?”  
  
“Yeah,” Chad grinned, squishing up close to him. “I mean, no, I don’t want to study, but McCann’s always going ‘Danforth, you have so much _potential_ , so if you sit down and do your goddamn homework, I won’t have to yell at you!’ I figured I should humor her this time.”  
  
“Oh,” Ryan said and jumped back into the droves of students.   
  
“So, free period? Meet me in the library?” Chad asked, trailing him without question.   
  
Ryan sighed. “Sure.”  
  
“Sweet,” Chad bounced and affectionately slapped Ryan’s shoulder. “Later.”  
  
Happily spinning, Chad turned and made his way through the crowd in the direction of his class.  
  
~*~*~  
  
While fidgeting in his chair, Chad almost tried to focus on his homework. But staring at Ryan was far more interesting.   
  
Ryan’s eyebrows would narrow and crinkle his forehead when he concentrated and his mouth would curl into a frown that just made Ryan’s lips look even more pouty and sometimes Ryan would hold the end of his pencil between his teeth, and it was all Chad could do not to leap over the table.   
  
Or Chad could just keep staring. Because Ryan was totally adorable when he was thinking really hard.   
  
Though, when Chad thought about it, there wasn’t a time when he _didn’t_ think Ryan was adorable. Or kissable. Or just plain sexy. And it was really a wonder that Chad could accomplish anything that wasn’t fantasizing.   
  
He imagined kissing Ryan’s face, his cheeks and his nose and the corners of his eyes.   
  
He thought about sucking a red mark into Ryan’s pale throat and leaving it for everyone to see.   
  
He wondered if the skin of Ryan’s stomach was soft and what it would be like to taste it. And if it would sound musical if he made Ryan moan.   
  
He thought about Ryan kissing him back and what those wet kisses would feel like all over his body.   
  
Chad sighed again and went back to his English essay because in no way was it a good idea to get so turned on in the middle of the school day.   
  
Especially when the object of his affections didn’t want to indulge in such things with him. But whatever. It wouldn’t stop Chad from thinking about it.   
  
Quickly, he scribbled something out on his paper that was sure to be brilliant and insightful. And if it wasn’t, Chad didn’t really care. He was so over high school homework.   
  
Not that he’d ever given it much attention. Mindless busy work was sure to kill your brain faster than anything. But the important part was that he was now finished, and he scooted around the table and closer to Ryan.   
  
Slyly, Chad slipped his hand underneath Ryan’s left one that had been resting on the table. “How you doing?” he asked with a grin.  
  
Ryan stared for a moment, either at their hands or at his paper, and then lifted his hand away and tucked a fallen lock of blond hair back up under his cap. “Fine.”  
  
When Ryan moved his hand, Chad slipped a finger under the hat and flipped the hair back out.   
  
Ryan tipped his head away, smoothed his hair behind an ear, and then rested his head on his hand, preventing any more tampering. Undeterred, Chad wriggled closer and pressed their sides together. He stayed as still as he could, watching Ryan think and basking in his warmth.   
  
After a few minutes, Ryan dropped his hand and looked at Chad. “Are you done already?”  
  
Chad nodded and Ryan sighed frustration and slumped lower when he turned back to his homework.   
  
“Do you want help?” Chad asked, sliding the back of his hand down Ryan’s arm.   
  
Ryan shook his head, then folded his arms on the table and sank down onto them, resting his head.   
  
Chad reached out and took off Ryan’s royal purple cap, setting it carefully on the table beside him. A slight flicker of appreciation crossed Ryan’s face and Chad wondered if he could get away with stroking Ryan’s hair. Softly, Chad asked, “Are you still tired?”   
  
Ryan nodded.  
  
Frowning, Chad leaned down to Ryan’s level and rested his chin on his hands. “You look skinnier.”   
  
“I do not look skinnier,” Ryan said, clearly defensive.   
  
“Okay, fine. But I’m still… I’m worried about you.”  
  
Ryan immediately lifted his head and sat up, back straight and his whole body perfectly poised. “Why?” Ryan asked dismissively before turning back to his homework.   
  
Chad followed and sat back in his chair. “Because you’re really quiet. And impassive.”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Impassive?”  
  
“Detached,” Chad clarified. “Emotionless. Opposite of expressive.”  
  
“You sound like Gabriella,” Ryan said calmly, looking at his paper.  
  
“But see,” Chad pointed to Ryan and tried to explain. “You are _very_ expressive. You have a million different smiles and… and you’re bubbly and flamboyant and you sing about everything.” Before Ryan could respond, Chad added quietly, “And I love all that about you.”  
  
Ryan closed his eyes for a moment, his face contorted with pain. He sighed and turned to Chad with an almost glare. “You want me to be glowy and cheerful and dancing on the tables?”  
  
Chad swallowed hard even though it hurt. “I want you to be happy.”  
  
“Well, I’m not,” Ryan retorted. “And I might be a good actor, but I can only pretend so much.”  
  
“So, don’t pretend. Just let me… let me do something,” Chad insisted, tentatively touching Ryan’s thigh. “Let me help.”  
  
Ryan moved his leg. “You can’t help. It’s not your problem. I just need to get over it. I’m trying to get over it but when you keep dwelling on it, I can’t do that.”  
  
Chad shrunk away with defeat. He knew he wasn’t helping, he knew he probably couldn’t. But it felt like he was losing Ryan and he sure as hell wasn’t going to do nothing while he did.   
  
Ryan shook everything off and turned back to his work. Chad remained silent for a few minutes before it hurt too much to keep doing so.   
  
“You’re shutting me out,” Chad said quietly.   
  
Ryan stopped writing and made a small noise like it was hard to breathe.   
  
“You have this whole wall up and I can’t…” Chad swallowed and knew his voice was going to break. “Don’t do this. I can do something. Let me do something.”  
  
Taking a deep breath, Ryan straightened and looked at Chad with blank, distant eyes. Softly, he asked, “You want to do something?”   
  
Chad nodded uncertainly.   
  
“I can’t,” Ryan started. “I need. To not…”  
  
He watched Ryan falter and could see how torn his friend was even with trying to conceal it.   
  
Before Ryan could attempt to finish, Taylor appeared and placed a hand on Chad’s shoulder.  
  
“Hi, boys,” she smiled, then looked at them fretfully. “I’m not intruding, am I?”  
  
Ryan curtly shook his head, going back to his essay.   
  
Chad sighed dejectedly and wrapped an arm around Taylor. He looked up at her and murmured, “I miss you.”  
  
She looked at him with kind sadness and ran a hand over his hair. “I miss you, too.”  
  
Ryan dropped his pencil.   
  
He stood suddenly and refused to look at Chad as he shoved his book and papers into his bag and left.  
  
Chad stared after him for a second, unable to figure out what had just happened. Pushing his chair out from the table, he stood and told Taylor, “Wait for me here? I’ll be right back.”  
  
He wasn’t sure if she nodded or said anything or even if she would actually wait, but he raced out of the library and tracked down Ryan.  
  
Lightly, he touched Ryan’s shoulder, keeping up with his brisk pace. “What was that about?”  
  
Tersely, Ryan said, “I don’t want to talk to you.”  
  
“Why? What did I do?” When Ryan didn’t answer, Chad jogged ahead and blocked Ryan’s path. “I’m sorry she interrupted. What did you want to tell me?”  
  
Ryan still refused to look at him, but Chad could see him practically shaking.   
  
“What is up with you today?” Chad asked gently, thoroughly concerned. “Did I do something? Did I say something? Because last I checked, you wanted me to–”  
  
“I know what I wanted you to do,” Ryan snapped.  
  
Chad shifted from one foot to the other and asked, “Is it because you cried? Because that’s okay. You know, it’s okay…”  
  
“I know that it’s okay to cry. I’m the gayest fag in the school. I’m in touch with my feelings,” Ryan mocked. “It doesn’t mean that I like to do it. I _hate_ doing it. It makes me feel broken and helpless and I’m tired of always feeling like I’m two seconds away from doing it.”  
  
Feeling helpless himself, Chad watched Ryan run a hand over his face and struggle for a breath.   
  
“I’m tired of it,” he said quietly.  
  
Cautiously, Chad reached out, placed his hand on Ryan’s arm, and pleaded, soft and loving, “Ryan…”   
  
Ryan recoiled like he’d been injured. “You never call me that,” he said in a cold, broken laugh and left Chad alone and dumbstruck in the hallway.   
  
Slowly, Chad made his way back to the library and found Taylor actually sitting and waiting like he’d asked.   
  
“Is he all right?” she inquired gently.  
  
Chad collapsed back into his seat and shook his head. He picked up the cap still resting on the table and held it delicately.   
  
She looked at him with worry and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right?”   
  
Chad shrugged, feeling the soft purple material between his fingers. Nervously, he looked up at her. “How’ve you been?”  
  
She smiled. “I’m good.”  
  
“Good,” he echoed and then looked away, not sure what he should do.  
  
“Chad,” she said, resting her hand in her lap. “I know you like him.”  
  
Immediately, Chad jerked his head toward her. “You do?”  
  
Taylor nodded.   
  
“How?”  
  
With her best, knowledgeable smile, Taylor lifted his hands. “Besides this?” she said, inclining her head toward the cap he clasped tightly.   
  
Chad blushed.   
  
She grinned as she let go. “You talk about a lot of things. And the more you love something, the more you talk about it,” she informed. “Like basketball. You talk about basketball… So. Much.”  
  
He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”  
  
Smiling, she said, “Now, please tell me your boy disease isn’t so bad that you don’t know what you talk about more than anything. Even basketball.”  
  
He looked down at Ryan’s hat and then at Taylor. “Oops?”  
  
She giggled and shook her head.   
  
Impulsively, he told her, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be. It’s okay.”   
  
He sighed heavily, not quite comforted. “I do like you.”  
  
“I know you do.”  
  
He clutched the hat close to him. “I miss you, too,” he said sadly. “Maybe I never loved you like I wanted, like I tried to. But next to my mom and sisters, you’re the girl I… love most. I didn’t want to lose that.”  
  
She scooted closer and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. “You haven’t lost that. Okay? I’m still here. We’re still friends. I still love you, too.”  
  
Sighing, he gave her as much of a smile as he could and leaned into her, letting her support him.   
  
He sat up after a moment and looked at her. “You know, I used to worry that you’d put me on your list. ‘Cause I broke your rules or something.”  
  
With a smile, she shook her head. “You kind of broke them a little, but you’re not on my list.”  
  
“So, that means I don’t have boy disease?”  
  
Taylor laughed. “Oh, no, baby. You’ve got it really, really bad.”  
  
Rolling his eyes, he gave her a halfhearted glare.   
  
She grinned victoriously then rested her hand on his back. “So, sweetie? What’s wrong?”  
  
He stared at the cap in his hands and sighed. “I don’t know what to do. He’s miserable. And he’s shutting me out and he’s not talking to anyone. I don’t know what’s wrong. But I can’t stand to see him hurt so much.”  
  
Her hand skimmed over his back in soothing circles. “You don’t know what happened…” she said like she was analyzing. “Have you tried… helping?”  
  
“I’ve tried being there for him, I’ve tried reassuring him. I’ve given him space. I held him when he cried. Nothing’s worked. Gah,” he shook his head. “Leave it to me to fall for an actor.”  
  
Taylor snickered. “It’s probably your karma.”  
  
Chad grumbled, managing to glare harder.   
  
Crossing her arms, she stared at him supportively. “I wish I could give you answers.”  
  
“Me too,” he said. “Are we really okay? I mean… we can really be friends?”  
  
Nodding, she smiled brightly. “You’re one of my best friends.”  
  
Cradling Ryan’s hat with one hand, Chad reached out and pulled Taylor to his side with a solid, one-armed hug.   
  
~*~*~  
  
At the end of the day, Chad waited outside of Ryan’s last class, pacing and worrying and hoping he could figure out something he could do.   
  
When Ryan stepped outside of the classroom, he didn’t look at all surprised to see him there waiting. Quietly, he motioned for Chad to follow him back inside.   
  
After waiting for everyone to leave and shutting the door behind them, Ryan turned to him calmly, but didn’t even bother to hide the sorrow in his eyes.   
  
Terrified, Chad stared at him and hoped like hell that he didn’t know exactly what Ryan wanted to say.   
  
Breathing deeply, Ryan tilted his chin up.   
  
Chad swallowed and choked out, “Don’t say it.”  
  
Ryan glanced down and then tossed hair out of his eyes. “I need to.”  
  
Chad shook his head, feeling hard wrenching in his chest.   
  
Ryan walked toward him and placed his hands near Chad’s elbows, then slid them up and wrapped Chad in his arms. “I can’t do this anymore,” Ryan said softly. “We just… we can’t. Be friends right now.”  
  
Chad locked his arms around Ryan and buried his face in Ryan’s shoulder. He was going to lose Ryan. He was going to _lose_ Ryan.   
  
He was going to lose _Ryan_.   
  
He heard a broken sob escape his chest and couldn’t stand anymore with his whole body aching.   
  
Carefully, Ryan sank down to the floor with him, guiding Chad to a relatively comfortable position. He pressed himself close, holding Chad tightly to his chest.   
  
Chad shook and didn’t care if anyone saw – he couldn’t stop crying. And wouldn’t let go for anything.   
  
Ryan’s hands moved gently over his back then lifted his head and brushed curls and tears away from his eyes. “Chad,” Ryan said, quiet and gentle. “Chad, look at me.”  
  
Clenching his fingers in Ryan’s shirt, Chad sat up enough to meet Ryan’s eyes.   
  
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Ryan promised. “I care about you so much. And I want to be a good friend to you.” Biting his lip, Ryan swallowed and squeezed Chad. “But I can’t do that right now. It’s too hard and… and I don’t want to hurt anymore.”  
  
Chad looked down and fresh tears fell on his shirt, but he whispered determinedly, “Don’t make me leave.”  
  
“But I owe you more than that,” Ryan insisted even though his words were full of despair. “You’re so wonderful to me. You deserve better than just… You deserve your bubbly, flamboyant, singing friend. You deserve to have that.” He stroked his fingers over Chad’s face, wiping away more wetness. “And I want to be that for you.”  
  
“Please, don’t make me leave.”  
  
“But I want to be your friend. And I want to be able to sing. I want to be able to breathe without my chest hurting. I want to be able to look at her and not feel so sickeningly jealous because I can never... I want it to stop. I just want to get over it.” Ryan trembled and looked at him with glistening eyes. “Please, let me get over it.”  
  
“Why do you have to cut me out? Why?” Chad demanded. “I would stay. I would help. I don’t care if you’re broken, I’ll be here and I’ll hold you together.”  
  
“But I would never be fixed if you did that. I’d always need you.”  
  
“But I always need you,” Chad said, soft and shattered.  
  
Ryan’s lip quivered and he pulled Chad close. “I’m so sorry.”  He turned his head, pressing his cheek against Chad’s. “It’s not forever. I promise.”  
  
Chad shifted and looked at Ryan. “How long?”  
  
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know.”  
  
Glancing away, Chad sniffed and rubbed a hand over his face, then wound his fingers through Ryan’s hair, bringing their foreheads together. “I love you, too,” Chad whispered.  
  
Ryan moved and looked at him for a long moment. He hesitated but then leaned closer, placing one long, soft kiss on Chad’s lips.   
  
He bent his head after he’d pulled away, hiding his face and squeezing Chad in his arms.   
  
Chad pressed his lips together, wanting to still feel Ryan’s kiss. But he wanted more than anything for it to be real and not one Ryan bestowed for Chad’s indulgence.  
  
When his eyes finally dried and Chad had been filled with numbness, he let go of Ryan and scooted over to reach for his backpack.   
  
Carefully, he pulled out the purple hat and indecisively handed it back. “I tried to take good care of it,” he said as it left his fingers.   
  
Ryan took it and ran a hand over the fabric. “You did a good job.”  
  
Unsteady but calm, Ryan helped Chad to his feet. He gathered his things, waited for Chad to do the same, and walked downstairs by his side.   
  
When they reached the ground level of the school, Chad reached out and squeezed Ryan’s hand, then let go and watched him disappear into the distance.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad sat on the bench in the locker room, staring but seeing nothing.   
  
He knew Zeke was looking at him worriedly. He knew Troy was _really_ looking at him worriedly. But the only thing he could even think about was Ryan.   
  
He kept picturing those anguished looks, kept seeing blank blue eyes that attempted to hide all his suffering. He remembered how tightly Ryan had clung to him on the baseball field. He remembered the last time he’d seen that bright, glowy smile he loved so much. The morning Chad kissed him. Which felt like weeks and weeks and weeks ago.   
  
He ached thinking of how different and devastated Ryan was. He wouldn’t even blame Sharpay for warding off anyone who could hurt Ryan that much.   
  
Chad wished he could do something. He didn’t want Ryan to have to do anything alone. More solitude didn’t seem like it would help anyway.  
  
Chad was so lost in thought, it took him a minute to realize Troy was trying to get his attention.  
  
“Chad?” Troy said with concern. “ _Chad_?”  
  
Chad lifted his head and turned a little. “Hmm?”  
  
Troy’s eyebrows furrowed. “Do you wanna chill with us after practice?”  
  
“Yeah, whatever,” Chad said and slumped back to where he was.  
  
He knew his friends shared their worried looks, he could see Zeke looking at him, but Chad ignored them and worked on untying his shoes.   
  
“Dude,” Troy said softly. “You okay?”  
  
Chad nodded mechanically, attempting to pull the laces completely free.   
  
Troy frowned. “Did something happen?”  
  
Chad sighed and might have confessed if he thought he could explain everything so they’d understand.   
  
“Martha said he and Taylor broke up,” Jason offered.   
  
Chad froze and glared at Jason. The last fucking thing he needed was to answer questions about that. Scowling, he braced himself for whatever Troy was going to dish out.   
  
“Man, Chad,” Troy said sadly. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Don’t. Be,” Chad snipped. “I don’t care.”  
  
He watched Troy’s sympathetic frown deepen and turned toward Zeke so he didn’t have to look. Zeke scrunched his face like he was deep in thought.  
  
Tentatively, Troy asked, “When did it happen?”  
  
When Chad didn’t answer, Jason again informed, “Over a week ago. The Friday we played Crossville.”  
  
“Dude, how do _you_ know?” Chad said irritably.   
  
“Martha told me.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes and caught Troy looking like he’d figured out why Chad had been so upset that night.   
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Troy asked, hurt seeping into his tone.  
  
“Because it doesn’t fucking matter, Bolton. I don’t care. It was never going to work and I’m sorry to ruin your perfect vision of the world, but I never wanted to be with her. I never loved her like that.”  
  
“But…” Troy said, confused. “You told me she was the only one you wanted to be with.”  
  
“No, I didn’t,” Chad retorted and was sure he had been careful to not mention any names. “I never said it was Taylor.”  
  
Zeke burst into laughter and all three of his friends stopped to look at him.   
  
“Sorry,” Zeke grinned proudly. “I knew I was right.”  
  
After narrowing his eyes and shaking his head at Zeke, Chad turned back to Troy. “Look, I didn’t tell you because you are all set on ‘best friend-couples’ and double dates and you’re too wrapped up in _your girlfriend_ to care about anything else anyway.”  
  
“That’s not true! I tried to be there for you! I tried to make it possible so you could work things out with Taylor!”  
  
“How the hell did you…” Chad immediately stopped and narrowed his eyes.  
  
He turned his head warily, scrutinizing Troy.   
  
“You said something,” Chad stated coldly. “That’s why you had my sweatshirt. That’s why _he gave you_ my sweatshirt.” Jumping off the bench, Chad stood menacingly over Troy. “What the fuck did you say to him?!”  
  
Troy’s face grew more confused. “What do you mean?”  
  
Chad grasped the blue sleeve of Troy’s shirt. “ _Ryan,_ Troy. What the fuck did you say to Ryan?!”  
  
“I don’t know. It was weeks ago,” Troy responded and shoved Chad’s hand away.   
  
“Weeks ago?!”   
  
“Yeah. Just after break.”  
  
Shocked and shaking with rage, Chad stepped backward.   
  
“I just said something about how he shouldn’t mess with you. And I know you better than anyone,” Troy said, naïve and defensive.  
  
“You don’t know shit, Bolton,” Chad spat and tore out of the locker room, leaving all of his belongings and abandoning practice and not caring about any of it.   
  
He started for the drama department, but remembered they weren’t rehearsing today and sprinted for the student parking lot, hoping maybe, _maybe_ Ryan hadn’t left yet.   
  
He burst through the school doors and scanned the rows of cars for Sharpay’s pink mustang.   
  
His heart pounded harder when he couldn’t find it and he started down the stairs, ready to check every parking spot, but a voice behind him made him stop and want to tear his hair out.   
  
“Well, if it isn’t the fabulous Farrah,” Sharpay smirked as she sauntered down the stairs behind him.  
  
Chad clenched his fists because he _so_ could not handle her right now. But if she was around, it also meant that Ryan was.   
  
“I do not have time for you, Princess,” Chad gritted. “Where’s Ryan?”  
  
She scoffed and cocked her head challengingly. “If you want to see to Ryan, you’re going to have to make time.”  
  
Chad groaned and scrubbed both hands over his face. “Fine! You want me to make time, Shar?” he said angrily. “You want me to prove it to you? All those things you told me about him, _I knew._ I know he feels left out because he’s different and it makes him lonely. I know he stopped making friends because he couldn’t really be friends with a girl and didn’t know how to be friends with a guy. I know his favorite color is yellow. I know he loves _Hairspray_ because he loves Seaweed and Penny. I know he’s so concerned with how he looks that he won’t eat for like a week just to compensate.”  
  
Sharpay quietly stared at him with her arms crossed, but didn’t attempt to say anything so Chad kept going.   
  
“I know he loves you and your mom more than anything. And he wishes your dad knew how to talk to him,” Chad said, somber and slower. “I know he was ten when he first had a crush on a boy. I know he won’t listen to music he can’t sing with. Or dance with. I know he’s petulant and vain and so thoroughly clueless, and he tries so hard to act like nothing’s wrong when something is just killing him.”   
  
Taking a hard breath, Chad pleaded with everything he had. “I know his eyes look bluer after he’s cried. I know what he wants more than anything is to be loved. I know he loves with everything he is and in a forever kind of way. And I know he deserves to be loved the same way.”   
  
Sharpay glanced at the ground, and when she turned back, looked softer and more like Ryan than Chad had ever thought possible.  
  
“He deserves to have everything he wants,” Chad asserted earnestly. “And I don’t know if I’m what he wants, but I know I want to make him happy. He makes me happy. I want to love him the way he should be.”   
  
Sharpay sighed slowly and then swallowed, head held high like she was ten feet taller than he was. “It’s a wonder you don’t like theater. Because you are awfully dramatic.”  
  
Chad closed his eyes tightly, resisting the urge to yell or cry.   
  
“Here’s one you don’t know,” she said in an overly controlled voice. “There is no other guy.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean, he doesn’t want anyone else,” she said, full of sincerity. “He’s in love with _you_.”  
  
Chad tilted his head warily. “You’re messing with me.”  
  
“No, I’m not.”  
  
“Why else would you tell me something like that?”  
  
“Because! He won’t talk to me. He won’t talk to _Mom_. He doesn’t want to eat, he can’t sleep, he won’t even _sing_.” She straightened and tried to compose herself with an exasperated sigh. “If he were crying that would be something. But he’s never acted like this before. It’s never been this bad. And if you’re all gushing and starry-eyed and say you didn’t do anything then I don’t know what’s wrong!”  
  
Chad considered it for a long moment, watching the way she quivered angrily, and confessed, “Troy said something to him.”  
  
Her eyes narrowed. “What?”  
  
“I don’t know, but he did something. And I’m betting that’s why Ryan is… like this.”  
  
“Why would Ryan care about something Troy did?”  
  
“I don’t know but if neither of us can come up with anything else, then I’m going with this.” As she didn’t argue, he stared at her. And wondered. “Is he really… He loves me?”  
  
After a theatrical, pained sigh, she met his eyes. “Have you even said it?”  
  
“What? That I love him?”  
  
“No. Well,” her forehead wrinkled and she waved her hand. “Sort of.”  
  
Chad crossed his arms. “That I’m gay?”  
  
She quirked an eyebrow.   
  
He rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “I’m gay. Okay? Totally, completely gay.” He tipped his head and smirked. “I’m _really_ gay for your brother.”  
  
She huffed and rolled her eyes back at him.   
  
“Look, I didn’t think I was. You know, I’m not… like Ryan. Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” he added just so she couldn’t say anything. “But I’m into hoops and I _never_ liked theater.”  
  
Sharpay smirked. “Farrah, liking theater has absolutely nothing to do with liking dick.”  
  
Chad glared at her and sneered, “Obviously.”  
  
Her grin didn’t falter. “Well, you’re a smart guy. Granted, you’re not the most observant guy, but _think_ about it,” she persisted.   
  
She waited for a second, but got impatient and confirmed, “He is so hopelessly, desperately, ridiculously in love with you. There’s never been anyone else.”  
  
Chad stared and didn’t know what to think. He swallowed hard, feeling a horrible sinking in his chest.   
  
If it was all true... then Ryan wanted to get over _him_.  
  
Again feeling frantic, Chad asked urgently, “Where’s Ryan?”  
  
Sharpay opened her mouth, but music that sounded suspiciously like “Glamorous” interrupted her. She reached into her purse and retrieved her cellphone. “I don’t know,” she answered, replying to the text she’d received. “But he says to tell you that you’re late for practice.”  
  
He peered over to see her screen and then looked around the parking lot. “I need to talk to him.”  
  
“No, you don’t,” she said and before he could protest, added, “You need to find out what your Boy Wonder did.”  
  
Chad placed his hands on his hips. “Why do I have to do that?”  
  
“Because I doubt that Troy would trust me alone with him for even five minutes,” she said, baring her teeth as she smiled. “And I– _we_ can’t do anything if we don’t know.”   
  
Chad frowned fiercely.   
  
“Now, go be a good angel,” Sharpay insisted as she walked past him. “And I’ll go talk to Ryan. Don’t get yourself kicked off the team. You have to look good in your new clothes.”  
  
He eyed her suspiciously. “What new clothes?”  
  
She spun and winked. “The ones we take you shopping for.”  
  
Chad huffed and rolled his eyes, figuring it must be Sharpay’s weird way of accepting him. Sighing and still not feeling comfortable with leaving his fate in her hands, Chad rushed back to practice, determined to get a confession out of Troy.


	18. With All I've Lost My Heart is Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad confronts Troy and finds out what happened while Ryan deals with what he's chosen.

  
  
Ryan waited until Sharpay slid into the driver’s seat before he stopped watching the doors to the school. Chad had disappeared a while ago anyway.   
  
“What did he want?” Ryan asked, turning toward his sister.  
  
She slid her key into the ignition. “To talk to you.”  
  
“Did you tell him I don’t want to talk to him?”  
  
Sharpay started her car, but made no move to do anything else. “No,” she said, narrowing her eyebrows at him. “Why?”  
  
Ryan calmly turned away. “I already talked to him.”  
  
Sharpay stared with deepening confusion. “Then why are you pouting and hiding in my car?”  
  
“I’m not hiding. I want to go home. I told you that when I texted you,” Ryan said, staring out the window.   
  
Sharpay rolled her eyes and backed her car out of the parking lot. After she’d driven a few blocks, she glanced at him. “What did you tell him and why aren’t you talking to him?”  
  
Ryan sighed heavily with annoyance and didn’t bother to keep it out of his tone. “I don’t want to talk to him. I told him I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to see him. Or talk to him. And since you don’t like him anyway, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep him away from me and just drop it.”  
  
She scoffed and snipped back at him, “Don’t get bitchy with me. I was just asking. And why have _you_ gone all Ice Princess?”  
  
Ryan glared hard at her. “Don’t call me that,” he gritted slowly. “I’m done. I don’t want to do this with you or him or anyone. I told him we’re not friends anymore. I’m over it. All of it. I don’t care what anyone else says. It was stupid and I’m tired of it.” He stopped and reiterated, “I’m. Done.”  
  
She looked at him and appeared seriously distressed. With quiet sadness, she said, “I told him you liked someone else.”  
  
Nearly groaning, Ryan clenched his fists. “So?”  
  
“I’m just telling you,” she retorted. “I think that’s why he didn’t go after you.”  
  
“I told him the same thing. And it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t want him anymore. So, will you fucking let it go!”   
  
Ryan shook for a few seconds and then turned back to the window, focusing on slow, even breaths, making his face blank and impassive.   
  
Frowning, Sharpay placed both hands on the steering wheel and drove in silence.   
  
When Ryan’s phone buzzed, he pulled it out, looked at the name, and pressed ignore.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad jogged through the school, but took the long way into the gym through the locker room. It was deserted when he walked through the doors, practice having started a good fifteen minutes ago, and he debated not changing into his gym clothes. He didn’t know if he could handle practice right now. But he had to know.   
  
Digging through his locker that someone had closed for him, Chad pulled out his clothes and tried to think of what Troy could have said or done that would hurt Ryan so badly.   
  
Troy must have stressed how he knew Chad better than anyone. Or that he wanted Ryan to stay away from Chad. Or maybe how Troy was supposed to and should take priority in Chad’s life. That _was_ what Troy said he’d been worried about. And maybe Chad had similar thoughts about Gabriella. In the past. So, it would make sense.   
  
Tossing his shirt and jeans into his locker, Chad placed his hand on the door and was about to slam it shut, but then stopped.   
  
He took another minute and scavenged in his backpack, pulling out his cellphone. Sure, Sharpay had promised she’d talk to Ryan, but there was no reason Chad couldn’t, too. Pressing send when he found Ryan’s name, he waited while it rang.   
  
Chad frowned when there was no answer and set his phone on the bottom of his locker. Ryan wouldn’t really ignore him and cut him out forever. Not when it was this important. Would he?  
  
Swallowing nervously, Chad shut the locker door and walked out to the gym.   
  
He immediately stalked toward Troy, but was intercepted first.   
  
“Chad!” Coach Bolton said gruffly. “Those who show up late do not start during games!”   
  
Chad almost retorted with a “Whatever” since he really didn’t care at the moment about starting or even playing, but he settled for angry silence.   
  
“Were you hung up with the drama people again?” his coach said, placing a firm hand on Chad’s shoulder.   
  
Making sure to glare at anyone around who dared react, Chad snapped, “No!”  
  
“Good, then. Stretch and do twenty laps. Go now!”  
  
Grumbling and giving his best friend an extra glare for good measure, Chad took off and did as he was told.   
  
He watched the team start defensive drills, keeping his eyes on Troy. He knew his best friend was jealous. Hell, Chad even understood it. But it didn’t do anything to quell his anger.   
  
What right did Troy have to say who could be Chad’s friend?   
  
When Chad finished running and joined the team in zigzag slides, he purposefully but subtly bumped into Troy and hissed, “I want to know what you did.”  
  
Troy gave him a look, but kept going, focused on practice.   
  
When they started working on forward and reverse pivots, Chad repeated his purposeful collision and said, laboriously restrained, “Don’t think you can get away with it.”  
  
Troy’s look darkened and he moved to the other side of the gym for the next drill.   
  
After Chad migrated and ran into him a third time, Troy roughly shoved Chad away. “Will you fucking lay off! I already told you!”  
  
“No, you didn’t!” Chad growled, stepping into Troy’s personal space.  
  
Troy moved backward and countered, “Yeah, I said he should stop messing with you and he was cruel for hurting you that way!”  
  
“You think he was hurting me?”  
  
Troy opened his mouth to respond, but glanced at his dad and said nothing, pushing past Chad.   
  
Once they finished individual exercises, Coach Bolton called for rebound-shooter partners. Troy immediately started for Jason, but Chad stepped in, practically in Troy’s face, and was viciously pleased that no one would dare contradict his partnering with his best friend. Even though Zeke looked like he almost wanted to.   
  
Troy exhaled and looked back at Chad coldly.   
  
Picking up a basketball, Chad forcefully passed it. Troy caught it with a smack and shook out his fingers before shooting.   
  
Chad retrieved the ball and said sternly before giving it back, “Was it really because you thought he was hurting me or were you just jealous?”  
  
“I didn’t think he was hurting you,” Troy retorted. “I thought he was _messing_ with you to get Taylor out of the way.”  
  
Chad watched Troy’s shot and angrily sent the ball back to him. “Why the hell would he do that?”  
  
“Because! He…” Troy said a little too loudly and dropped his volume. “Because. They do things like that.”  
  
“Who does? Shar?” Chad asked, eyebrows narrowed. “The only thing she did was offer you money and opportunities and the chance to be her sex toy. _You_ were the reason Gabriella dumped you.”  
  
“I know that!” Troy snapped and shot the ball so hard it flew across the gym. He followed when Chad chased after it. “It doesn’t mean that he didn’t try to _interfere_.”  
  
“Interfere with what?” Chad demanded, throwing the ball to Troy.   
  
Troy caught it and held it. “You and Taylor!”  
  
Before Chad could yell back at him, their coach had stepped between them. “Guys! This is basketball practice not drama club!” he scolded, pushing Chad and Troy away from each other.  
  
“Good thing, too,” one of Chad’s teammates whispered. “We might have fairies on our team if it was.”  
  
Forgetting Troy for a moment, Chad turned but heard a yelp before he could respond.   
  
Startled and annoyed, Coach Bolton looked back at his team to see who was causing trouble this time.  
  
“Sorry, Coach,” Zeke smiled innocently and went to reclaim his basketball. “My hands. They were slippery.”  
  
“Everyone!” their Coach bellowed. “Two games of three-on-three, now! Troy, Chad,” he pointed to both of them. “Opposite ends of the gym!”  
  
Begrudgingly, Chad stalked away and formed a team with Zeke and David. Once they played and won their game, they switched sides to face Troy’s team.   
  
Chad stepped up as Troy started with the ball, feeling Coach Bolton’s distrustful eyes on them.   
  
Watching Troy instead of the ball, Chad said, quiet but venomous, “I told you I don’t care about me and Taylor.”  
  
Troy easily spun and bounced the ball past him, assisting Chuckie with scoring a point. “Yeah. Today,” Troy pointed out as they reset and started again.  
  
“Why the hell do you care so much?”  
  
“Because you were upset! And kept talking about your girl liking someone else!”   
  
“So?” Chad said and intercepted the ball when Troy tried to pass it. After he quickly and apathetically tossed it to Zeke, Chad went back and cornered Troy. “Why would you assume it had anything to do with Taylor?!”  
  
“Why shouldn’t I assume that you love the girl you’ve been dating for a year?” Troy snapped.   
  
“Because not everyone is like you, Bolton!” Chad shouted and lightly smacked Troy’s chest.   
  
A sharp, piercing whistle sounded, and their coach yelled, “Chad! Personal foul! Twenty push-ups now!”  
  
Glaring icily, Chad stormed over to the wall. He completed his sentence, stalked back, and was intercepted by Zeke as he reached the court.   
  
“Look, just stop fighting,” Zeke said with a quiet, soothing tone. “I know what happened.”  
  
“You do?” Chad asked, still saturated with anger.  
  
“Yeah, Ryan told me this weekend.”  
  
Chad waited and then demanded, “Well?!”  
  
Zeke crossed his arms. “Are you going to keep fighting?”  
  
“We. Might,” Chad gritted. Zeke gave him a stern, disappointed look and it only made Chad more infuriated. He clenched his hands and scolded, “Zeke!”  
  
“Okay, fine. If I have it right, he said that Troy told him to stay away from you and not mess with you.”  
  
Chad huffed. “Yeah? Is that all he told you?”  
  
“No. Troy told him that you love and only want Taylor. And that you don’t have feelings for him and Troy doesn’t know why Ryan thought you would. Have feelings for him. I think that was it.”  
  
Chad stared and couldn’t remember how to breathe.   
  
Zeke lightly touched his shoulder.   
  
Chad knew Coach Bolton started toward them, but he walked past and up to Troy and asked in a slow, normal voice, “You told him you know me better than anyone? And that I love Taylor? She’s the only one I can think about? The only one I ever wanted to be with?” Chad added, remembering his own words. “That? You told him that?”  
  
Troy nodded. “Yeah.”  
  
Chad looked away from Troy’s bright blue eyes and swallowed hard.   
  
It wasn’t Troy and his jealousy. Chad was the reason Ryan was hurting.   
  
Ryan was convinced that he loved Taylor. And probably thought Chad was deliberately tormenting him every time Chad hugged him or complimented him. Every time Chad wanted to see him. Every time Chad did anything friendly toward Taylor.   
  
Swallowing hard, Chad asked, “Just after break?”  
  
Hostility turned to concern, Troy nodded again. “Yeah. That Monday, I think.”  
  
“After I talked to you,” Chad finished. Slowly, he turned and started to walk away.   
  
“I told him I was sorry that you didn’t,” Troy added worriedly.   
  
Chad felt his chest tighten and walked faster.   
  
He heard several of them yell his name, but didn’t listen.   
  
Suddenly, Coach Bolton was in front of him. “Chad, where is your head! We’re in the middle of practice. You and Troy can deal with this later.”  
  
Chad felt his eyes sting and shook his head with deliberation. “I quit,” he said and went toward the locker room.  
  
“What?”  
  
Chad spun and shouted, “I QUIT!”  
  
Before anyone could argue with him, Chad sprinted for the locker room.   
  
Hurriedly, he opened his locker and pulled out his cellphone. After trying twice to call Ryan, he frantically typed out a text message.  
  
 _please answer. i have 2 talk 2 u_  
  
He stared at his phone and waited, feeling his heart pounding anxiously.   
  
He jumped when his phone chimed and displayed a little unopened envelope. With trembling fingers, he pressed the button.   
  
_dont make this harder. i told u i cant anymore._  
  
With a frustrated sob, Chad wrote back as quickly as he could.  
  
 _damnit ry. answer me!! i dont love taylor_  
  
He hesitated for a moment, but added to the end of it before he pressed send.   
  
Chad waited and stared and waited and shook more with every second. Impatiently, he tried one more time to call Ryan, but the phone went straight to voicemail.   
  
Close to throwing his phone across the locker room, Chad instead slid down to the floor and scrunched up his knees, burying his head in his arms.   
  
He’d hurt Ryan. He’d _devastated_ Ryan. And now Ryan wouldn’t even let him fix it.   
  
Shaking and still trying to breathe, he felt tears streak down his face. And he didn’t even have Ryan to brush them away.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan stared blankly at the TV screen, curled on the sofa in what his sister referred to as “comfy clothes” which usually meant something close to pajamas. He looked over at his cellphone as it lit up and vibrated on the lamp table beside him. With a forced sigh, he pressed the ignore button and the phone stopped buzzing, but the name still shone on the screen.   
  
Ryan turned it upside down so he couldn’t see the display and set it back to where it had been.   
  
From the entryway near the kitchen, Sharpay quietly walked toward the sofa. “Here,” she said, handing him a bottle of his favorite iced tea.  
  
He set the drink on the lamp table. “Thanks, sis.”  
  
With a sad look on her face, she pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and sat down next to him, draping the quilt over their legs.   
  
He glared at his phone when it buzzed again and didn’t even look before he ignored the call.   
  
Sharpay frowned as she watched and softly blurted out, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Ryan shook his head.  
  
“No, but I am,” she insisted. “I’m sorry about everything and I’m sorry I didn’t like him.”  
  
“It’s not your fault. And it doesn’t matter anymore,” he deadpanned.   
  
She stared at him before she asked, “Have you cried?”  
  
“Not gonna cry.”  
  
“Why…” she started but was interrupted when Ryan’s phone buzzed a third time.   
  
Irritated, he picked it up and opened the text message. “Because,” he said, typing a reply. “I’m not sad. I’m annoyed.” He finished and slammed his phone a little too loud and a little too hard onto the lamp table.  
  
Her eyes followed his every move. “I didn’t mean to mess this up for you.”  
  
“You didn’t,” he stressed with a little impatience. “You were right about everything and it was never going to work.”  
  
“I think he really loves you,” she said quietly.  
  
“I think he really doesn’t,” Ryan countered. “I think he got back together with her during free period today.”  
  
Her eyebrows narrowed. “What?”  
  
Ryan waved a hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter. They were just all lovey and ‘I miss you’ and…” he stopped and swallowed so hard it hurt. “She’s everything I’m not. She’s gorgeous. And brilliant. And…”  
  
Ryan’s phone vibrated again and he angrily snatched it from the table and turned it off, not bothering to even open the message.   
  
“Will you just take this?” he said with frustration, handing her the phone. “And put it somewhere far away.”  
  
With an undecided hand, she accepted the cellphone and transported it elsewhere. Ryan made sure not to watch.   
  
When she returned, he lifted the blanket and she snuggled up against his side, resting her head on his shoulder. He let his arm fall around her and went back to staring blankly at the TV.  
  
After a few minutes, she pointed to the remote. “I’m going to change it.”  
  
“That’s fine,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t paying attention to it anyway.”  
  
~*~*~  
  
As he sat slumped against the lockers, Chad heard a firm voice say his name and then a hand touched his elbow.   
  
Chad furiously rubbed at his face and then looked up at his coach. “What?” he snipped brokenly.  
  
“Well, do you really want to quit the team?”  
  
Chad gave him a small head shake. Losing two of the things he loved most all in the same day and he might turn into one of those suicidal emo poets. And oh, god did that _not_ need to happen. “But I can’t go back out there,” he said resolutely.  
  
“Well, what’s wrong? Why are you so pissed off?”  
  
“Because Troy told him that I didn’t love him and only wanted her. And I had just kissed him. And now he won’t talk to me. And he’s hurting. He’s been miserable. And it’s my fault. Well, it’s Troy’s fault. But it’s because of me. I hurt him,” Chad choked out while shaking.  
  
“Him?” Coach Bolton asked slowly.  
  
Chad immediately jerked his head up and realized he’d never actually told anyone who didn’t already know. He especially hadn’t ever intended to tell the person in charge of his basketball team - who had the power of kicking him off it if he so chose.  
  
Chad stared and shook from nervousness this time. His own parents didn’t even know. Yet. Uneasily, he nodded a little and then looked down.   
  
“The Evans boy?” his coach asked.   
  
Chad blushed and wrapped his arms tightly over his chest.   
  
“Look, it’s not the end of the world if this kid doesn’t like you anymore,” Coach Bolton said. “You can’t let it ruin your game. Your team needs you.”  
  
For a few seconds, Chad stared at him and then swallowed. “I can still be on the team?”  
  
“Yeah. Why couldn’t you be? Besides if you can’t be a team player during practice.”  
  
Chad glanced around nervously and then looked at his coach, feeling guilty.   
  
“Hey,” he said and lightly slapped Chad’s knee. “That’s got nothing to do with how you play basketball.”  
  
A little relieved and almost able to breathe, Chad slowly nodded and then looked down at the phone in his hand.   
  
“Hey, Coach,” Zeke called as he stepped through the locker room. “Troy sent me to ask you what other drills we should run.”  
  
Coach Bolton got up from his seat on the bench and told Chad, “We’ve got twenty minutes left. You can stay here. But I don’t want you disrupting any more practice. Got it? Then you will get booted.”  
  
Chad nodded.   
  
“I'm going back out there,” he told Zeke as he walked by.   
  
Zeke pointed toward Chad and the locker room. “Can I stay?”  
  
“Fine,” their coach said with unmasked exasperation. “But I don’t want either of you missing practice again.”  
  
Zeke smiled after Coach Bolton left and shuffled over to Chad. “That okay?”  
  
Quietly, Chad nodded and Zeke took a seat on the floor next to him.   
  
“I’m assuming that you know,” Chad said after a minute.   
  
“That you and Ryan are madly in love and don’t know it? Yeah.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes but gave Zeke a faint smile. “So, how’d _you_ figure it out?” he asked, wondering just when it got so obvious.   
  
Zeke shrugged. “I think you love him as much as I love her. It was easy for me to see it.”  
  
Sighing, Chad looked at him. “You’re a really good friend, you know that?”  
  
Zeke smiled. “Yeah. You know, if Ryan and I get our way, you and I will kind of be brothers-in-law.”  
  
Lightly, Chad laughed while shaking his head. “Zeke. Man.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m hopeless,” he said but grinned. “I know.”  
  
“Well, you’re ahead of the game at the very least,” Chad commented and then sighed. “He won’t even talk to me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore.”  
  
“But to get over you, right? So, if you tell him then… it’ll be fixed. Won’t it?”  
  
Chad shrugged and wanted to cry again. “I don’t know. He’s…” Chad stopped and couldn’t bear to think of that anymore. “I don’t know if he’ll think it’s worth it. Risking having his heart broken like this again.” Chad looked down and chewed on his lip, fiddling with his cellphone.   
  
Zeke rested a hand on Chad’s knee. “Ry’s not like you. He’s like me.”  
  
“Meaning I’m cynical and pessimistic and you guys aren’t?”   
  
Zeke nodded and Chad rolled his eyes.   
  
“I just hope you’re right, my friend,” Chad said and pushed himself off the floor.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan ignored whatever conversation his sister and father were having at the dinner table, idly pushing a steamed carrot around with his fork. He tried to eat, especially for Sharpay, but felt queasy even looking at his food.   
  
His mom reached out and slipped her right hand under Ryan’s left. “Would you like me to find you something else, sweetie?” she asked softly.  
  
Ryan shook his head and watched her lift his hand and squeeze his fingers. He gave her a small smile and went back to steering his carrot around his plate. She let go of his hand and stroked a lock of his hair before smiling and asking Sharpay about her day.  
  
“So, son!” his dad started and Ryan looked up, surprised and uncertain. “How was the game?”  
  
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. “Game?”  
  
“Didn’t you go to that basketball game? A few weeks ago?”  
  
Feeling his chest clench, Ryan looked down. “Oh,” he said and then answered. “Yeah.”  
  
“Well,” his dad said and then gestured for Ryan to go on. “How was it?”  
  
Ryan blinked at him and swallowed his heart back into his chest. “It was. Good,” he replied softly and turned back to his dinner, attempting to look unavailable for conversation.  
  
“So, that Chad fellow…”  
  
Ryan immediately looked up.  His fork slipped from his fingers and clinked onto the plate.  
  
His dad turned to Sharpay. “That is his name, right?” he asked her. “Chad?”  
  
She glanced and shared a look with Ryan and then nodded quietly.  
  
Ryan felt his heart launch into a frightened race.   
  
“Well,” his dad said, turning back to address the whole table. “I hear he’s very talented.”  
  
Guardedly, Ryan tipped his head.  
  
“Supposed to be one of the best on the team, right?” he asked and again looked to Sharpay for confirmation.  
  
She rolled her eyes but nodded. Ryan swallowed again, afraid to do or say anything.   
  
“And the staff and guests at Lava Springs always said how charming and good-humored he was.”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow and was sure he looked terrified or at least worried. “Yeah?”  
  
“Well, I thought you should know…” his dad started. “That I just... Well, I think” he tried again and then exhaled and looked deliberately at Ryan. “I think he’s a very nice young man.”  
  
Ryan stared and could feel the meaning in his father’s eyes.   
  
He blinked and looked away and found he couldn’t breathe or swallow or stop his lip from quivering.   
  
Suddenly, he pushed away from the table and stood. He mumbled something that might have been “He is” and “Excuse me,” but didn’t even know for sure because he quickly rushed from the dining room and up to the safety of his bedroom.   
  
He closed his door and his eyes and moved his hands and arms, trying to stay calm and focused. But he still couldn’t breathe slow and serene and the way he wanted.  
  
Covering his face with his hands, he sank down to the floor, kneeling at the foot of his bed. He shook and made no sound until he gasped for breath with a sob and tears spilled through his fingers.   
  
He was sure there was a knock at his door, but he didn’t remember hearing it, only knew when a gentle hand ran through his hair.   
  
“Ducky,” she said softly. “Sweetheart.”  
  
Ryan dropped his hands and tried to sit up, but was trembling too much. “Mom,” he pleaded quietly.   
  
She knelt beside him and held his face in her hands, wiping away his tears. “What’s wrong, love? What happened?”  
  
Ryan tried to breathe enough to tell her. “Chad… has a girlfriend. And,” Ryan bent his head. “He kissed me. But. He loves her.” He sniffed and hated the whimper sound he made. “We’re not going to be friends anymore.”  
  
She pulled him close and rubbed his back. After a moment, she whispered, “There’ll be other boys.”  
  
“I know, Mom,” he said into her shoulder. “But he was my friend. And… I love him. So much.” Ryan bit his lip, feeling a fresh wave of tears. He clung to her and couldn’t speak anymore.   
  
“Come here, sweetheart,” she murmured and helped him off the ground. She guided him to his bed and tucked the covers all around him, snuggling behind him and wrapping him securely in her arms.   
  
Holding on to the strong, slender arm protectively draped over his chest, he whispered, “I love you, Mom.”  
  
She kissed his temple and hummed a familiar melody, then sang to him softly, “ _Come let me love you. Let me give my life to you._ ”  
  
Slowly, the sobs that were ripped from his chest stopped, and he stared silently as tears slipped over his cheeks, remembering the song she’d made a lullaby.   
  
“ _Let me drown in your laughter. Let me die in your arms._ ”   
  
Ryan let his eyes close, listening and reveling in being held.   
  
Her fingers threaded through his hair, stroking and soothing, and Ryan felt like he could almost breathe again. “ _Let me lay down beside you. Let me always be with you._ ”  
  
Wilting in her arms, he relaxed and finally let exhaustion take over, drifting off to the sound of his mom’s voice and the reassurance that she loved him.


	19. We're Not the Same, We're Different in a Good Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chad comes out to Troy and gets a little help from his friends.

  
  
Chad fidgeted in his seat and never thought he’d be wishing so hard for the bell to ring and signal the _start_ of school. Unfortunately, there was still plenty of time so Chad stared, anxiously watching the door.  
  
Zeke – the only other person crazy enough to also be there and waiting – looked back and forth between Chad and the door. “It won’t be long,” he promised.  
  
Chad huffed and frowned at him. “I’m going to have that song stuck in my head now.”  
  
Zeke tipped his head. “What song?”  
  
“‘It Won’t Be Long?’ The Beatles?” Chad explained to a blank look. “My mom loves them and I saw _Across the Universe_ with Ryan. Never mind.”  
  
Stifling a smile, Zeke said, “Okay.”  
  
Chad hit his hand on his desk as he squirmed and then turned to Zeke. “I am freaking out.”  
  
Zeke laughed. “Well. Don’t.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes and tried not to glare at Zeke because it really wouldn’t do any good. He just wanted to fix this. And _now_.  
  
When footsteps could be heard in the hallway, Chad tensed and sat up at his desk, ready to jump up.  
  
Gabriella walked through the door, looking down and holding her books tightly, and Chad groaned and slumped in his chair.  
  
Zeke smiled brightly at her and she attempted to return it.  
  
“Hi, guys,” she said as she went to her desk.  
  
Chad shared a look with Zeke and both turned around toward her. “What’s up, Gabs?”  
  
She sighed and shook her head, but confessed, “Troy and I had a fight.” A little nervously, she met Chad’s eyes. “He called and told me what happened and I yelled at him for what he said.”  
  
Chad looked her up and down. “You did?”  
  
She nodded. “I don’t know why he ever thought Ryan would be a problem for you and Taylor.” Frowning sadly, she looked down, then quickly informed, “I didn’t tell him about you and Ryan. Actually, I was too busy being mad because he’s just been so jealous and wouldn’t even believe me when I told him Ryan is a good guy.”  
  
Chad felt his stomach twist and wondered if he’d have to choose and how on earth _could_ he choose?  “He hates Ryan that much?”  
  
“No,” she said and sighed with frustration. “He thought he was losing me and losing you. And to the same person. So, he’s been… mad at Ryan.”  
  
Guiltily, Chad turned around and slouched in his chair. When Sharpay swirled through the door, he perked up, though he noticed Zeke’s smile faded and his friend sat lower in his desk.  
  
Chad stared for almost a minute, waiting and watching the door, and then looked at Sharpay and the empty seat behind her.  
  
Wildly gesturing to get her attention, he leaned forward and asked, “Where’s Ryan?”  
  
She turned and glared at him. “Are you back with Taylor?”  
  
His eyebrows narrowed and he snipped, “No! I told you…”  
  
For a second, he thought about what he’d never said to two of the people in the room. After figuring that it was just Zeke and Gabriella, who were exceedingly supportive and likely assumed anyway, he said to Sharpay, “I told you I’m gay. I told you I love your brother. Why would you think I went back to her?”  
  
Her stance softened a little. “Ryan thinks that you did.”  
  
Chad blinked. “Why?”  
  
“I don’t know. Whatever he saw with you two yesterday.”  
  
Groaning again, Chad rubbed his head. “Okay. Fine,” he said. He could deal with one more thing. “So, where is Ryan?”  
  
Sharpay grew quiet and instantly, Chad was terrified.  
  
“Is he okay?”  
  
Looking at the ceiling, she sighed and then turned to him. “He’s at home. Dad said something last night about you being talented and charming.” She rolled her eyes. “Basically, he likes you and approves of you and Ryan spent the rest of the night crying to Mom.”  
  
Chad swallowed hard and felt aching in his chest. “Like, literally? Or is that a figure of speech? And he’s not coming to school?”  
  
She  rolled her eyes, but shook her head sadly.  
  
Immediately, Chad dove for his backpack and furiously dug for his cellphone.  
  
“You can’t call him,” Sharpay said.  
  
“Why not!?”  
  
“Because!” She reached into her purse and pulled out Ryan’s cell.  
  
“You stole his phone?!” Chad snapped.  
  
“No, he _gave me_ his phone because he didn’t want to talk to you!”  
  
Frowning deeply, Chad extended his hand and took cell. After flipping it open and waiting for it to turn on, he saw the little unopened envelope for the unread message he’d sent.  
  
He closed the phone and cradled it, slumping in his seat.  
  
“Just don’t let Ms. Darbus see,” Sharpay said and turned at her desk.  
  
Chad stared blankly as he held it, ignoring as more students walked into the room. All he wanted now was for the day and everything to be over.  
  
He noticed someone walk up to him and stop just in front of his desk, and Chad didn’t have to look. “What do you want?”  
  
In an unsteady voice, Troy said, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Chad shook his head. “Just. Shut up and sit down and don’t turn around,” he said quietly, refusing to look up. He couldn’t stand to see any more hurt blue eyes.  
  
An eerie silence fell over the classroom and even the kids who weren’t part of their group seemed like they knew something was very wrong.  
  
When Darbus swished into the room, Chad slipped his hand and the cellphone into his sweatshirt, holding Ryan’s phone there.  
  
Their teacher immediately stopped on her way in and looked around warily. She closed the door as the bell rang and inspected her group of students slowly.  
  
“Well!” she said in a lively tone, walking to the front and center of her class. “This can’t be my group of lively, rambunctious teenagers. What have you done with all of them?”  
  
She stared and waited for an answer with both hands on her hips. No one spoke and Chad rested an elbow on his desk, leaning on his hand.  
  
“Come on. Out with it now,” Darbus insisted. “There’s such negative energy! What happened to all of you?”  
  
Chad traced his thumb over Ryan’s cellphone and wasn’t surprised when Darbus gestured to someone behind him.  
  
Jason lowered his hand and said, “Well, Chad and Taylor broke up and Troy blamed it on Ryan so Chad got mad at Troy because Ryan won't talk to Chad. And I dumped Kelsi ‘cause I kind of have a crush on Martha and Adam found out and got mad at me. And Kim dumped David because they’re going to different colleges next year. And Chuckie had a fight with his dad because he’s not going to do basketball after this season. And Gabriella is mad at Troy for upsetting Ryan and Sharpay also got mad at Chad for upsetting Ryan and Zeke stood up for Chad so now Sharpay isn't talking to Zeke...”  
  
The whole class, even Chad, turned to look at Jason.  
  
“What?” Jason asked. “I notice things.”  
  
Darbus raised her eyebrow and leaned toward the front row, whispering not so quietly, “Mr. Bolton, it seems your posse has a much bigger flair for drama than I thought.”  
  
Sharpay laughed bitterly. “If only you knew the half of it.”  
  
“No kidding,” Chad agreed and clutched Ryan’s phone.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Staring at the empty desk beside him during history class was likely to drive Chad crazy, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away.  
  
Ryan was supposed to be there and next to him and the worst part was Chad just couldn’t think of how to repair everything. If Ryan wouldn’t talk to him and wouldn’t come to school, was Chad supposed to go stalk him?  
  
What would happen if Ryan really was over him?  
  
When the bell rang for free period, Chad gathered his belongings and quietly slipped through the halls. He knew he passed a few of his friends on the way, but Chad paid no attention and found his way through the school and up to Ryan’s favorite practice room.  
  
He shut the door behind him and sat on the floor in the dark, and heard a knock on the door not long after. He scowled and briefly considered if he could kick out any music student who wanted to rehearse. But the door opened and he saw he wouldn’t have to.  
  
“Can I come in?” Troy asked softly.  
  
Chad stared at him warily, hoping he seemed unwelcoming. “How’d you find me?”  
  
“I followed you.”  
  
Sighing, Chad nodded reluctantly, idly rotating the cellphone in his pocket.  
  
Troy sat down near him but still keeping his distance. After a minute, he couldn’t take the silence. “Are you never going to talk to me again?”  
  
“You shouldn’t have told him those things,” Chad asserted. “You shouldn’t have said anything.”  
  
“I was trying to look out for you.”  
  
Chad rested his head against the wall, staring at nothing. “Whatever problems you thought I was having with Taylor would have been my fault. Not his.”  
  
Troy tried to say something, but couldn’t and slouched sorrowfully. “I really thought…”  
  
“Dude, I get why. We screwed with things when you first started dating Gabi.”  
  
“But you told me about it afterward and tried to fix it,” Troy said quietly. “And I heard you guys convinced her to come to the show this summer, too. After she dumped me for being an ass to all of you.”  
  
Chad shrugged flippantly.  
  
Troy watched him then asked, “Why’d you change your mind?”  
  
“Because I know what she means to you,” Chad said plainly. “I know you need her in your life. I might not always like it, but I know you love her.” Looking down, Chad ran his thumb over Ryan’s cellphone. “I would never take that away from you.”  
  
“Well, not now,” Troy smiled lightheartedly and nudged Chad with his elbow. His cheery mood faded when Chad didn’t smile back. “Dude…”  
  
Chad exhaled heavily and forced a level tone to his voice. “I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me.” He turned to Troy and said angrily, “He probably thinks I didn’t even have the balls to tell him to his face.”  
  
“But. You didn’t,” Troy pointed out not so helpfully. “I was questioning your balls, too. You didn’t tell him anything. You wouldn’t have.”  
  
Chad stopped and didn’t know how to respond without being thoroughly disturbed. “You were... _what_?”  
  
Biting his lip, Troy failed at not smirking.  
  
Chad punched his arm, not very hard, but definitely hard enough. “For questioning and for saying that. I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.”  
  
Troy held his arm, but smiled like he was pleased he’d gotten his way.  
  
Chad contemptuously shook his head. “What you told him was still _wrong_.”  
  
“So, you don’t love Taylor,” Troy retorted, throwing up his hands. “There’s still some girl, right? I don’t get why it matters so much.”  
  
Chad rubbed a hand over his face and clenched a handful of his hair. “There’s no girl,” he said in a low, strained voice.  
  
“But you told me…”  
  
Groaning softly, Chad pulled Ryan’s phone out of his pocket and flipped open the cover, staring at the picture used for the wallpaper.  
  
Ryan was squished between Chad’s sisters and looked like he was holding out his phone to take the picture. Chloe had her little arms around Ryan’s neck and was resting her head on his shoulder while Sofia had cocked her head and pressed her cheek against Ryan’s, all three grinning big and bright and happy.  
  
“Chad?” Troy worriedly touched his friend’s knee.  
  
When the lights in the phone automatically turned off, Chad closed it and stared at Troy’s hand, wondering if his best friend would even want to touch him ever again. Taking a breath, Chad figured he should go with the thing that was easiest to say first.  
  
“I love Ryan,” he whispered thickly. “I’m in love with Ryan. He’s the one I was worried about. I just couldn’t...”  
  
Troy stared for a moment with familiar confusion. “There’s no…You couldn’t… Are you? I mean, is it just Ryan or…”  
  
Chad shook his head. “I’m gay.”  
  
“You are?”  
  
Stomach twisting in knots, Chad nodded and didn’t know what he’d do without his best friend.  
  
“Since… when?”  
  
Chad shrugged. “Probably always.”  
  
Troy turned to him, eyes filled with remorse. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t be okay with it? Is that why you wouldn’t tell me?”  
  
“No, I thought it’d be _okay_. I didn’t want it to be different.” In an unsteady voice, he confessed, “I don’t want the locker room to get weird or for the rest of the team to freak out. I want to be able to hang out all night at your house. Or Zeke or Jason’s. And not have you guys worry or whatever.” He stopped and slowly met Troy’s eyes. “I want you to still want to hug me.”  
  
Troy looked heartbreakingly sad, then feigned a shy smile. “That a request?”  
  
Chad glared and considered punching Troy again. “Asshole.”  
  
With a real smile, Troy scooted closer and slid an arm around Chad’s shoulders.  
  
Chad bent his head as his eyes stung. He leaned into Troy and clutched the other arm that came around him.  
  
After a moment, Chad pulled away and rubbed his face, settling back against the wall.  
  
“Is it really…” Troy started uncertainly. “I mean. Ryan’s like the only gay guy we know. Are you sure you really like… him?”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes. “We could go to Homo High populated with only gay guys.” He looked down at the cellphone clutched in his hand and wanted so much it made his chest hurt. “It would still be Ryan.”  
  
Curiously, Troy tilted his head and slowly took the phone from Chad’s fingers then opened it and looked at the picture. “Is this yours?”  
  
Chad shook his head. “It’s his.”  
  
“I didn’t know they knew him.”  
  
Slowly, Chad nodded. “They keep asking about him. Why he doesn’t come over anymore. And if we’re still friends. I don’t even know what to tell them.”  
  
Troy closed the phone and held it in his lap before regretfully meeting Chad’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Whatever.” Chad shook his head and didn’t know whether to be more aggravated or crushed. “He’s not talking to me. He doesn’t want to see me or be friends or anything.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“He wants to get over me,” Chad said bitterly and pointed to the phone in Troy’s hands. “There’s an unopened message on that phone and if he’d _bothered_ to read it… he’d know. I... love him. And there’s no fucking reason to be shutting me out.”  
  
Troy reached out and lightly touched Chad’s knee, attempting to be comforting.  
  
Chad looked away and quickly pushed himself off the floor. “I need to go,” he said, picking up his backpack. “I’ll see you,” he told Troy before rushing to get away from Ryan’s practice room.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Setting his almost empty plate on the breakfast tray, Ryan nestled back into his abundance of pillows and the warmth of his mother sitting beside him. He looked up at her thankfully and she leaned down to kiss his temple.  
  
“Good lunch?”  
  
He nodded and gave her a smile, hoping she wouldn’t say anything about the food still on his plate.  
  
She curved her arm behind him and soothingly stroked his hair. After a few minutes, she asked in a gentle voice, “Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
Ryan sighed and shook his head. “Don’t have anything to say.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
He shrugged. “He was my best friend. My only friend, really. Besides you and Shar. I tried not to. I didn’t want to mess anything up. He’s just so… He’s perfect. Well, he’s not perfect, but that’s what makes him perfect.” Ryan stopped and pressed his palm against his face. “It just felt… It worked. And it was so amazing.” Looking down and feeling his eyes fill with tears, he whispered, “And I thought he loved me.”  
  
“My beautiful, precious boy,” she said sadly. She kissed his forehead and protectively held him closer as she promised, “I love you.”  
  
He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand, and then frowned when there was a knock on his door.  
  
His mom called to whoever was disturbing them, bidding them to come in, while Ryan crossed his arms, certain she would be called away.  
  
“Sr. Evans?” their housekeeper, said as she appeared in the doorway. “There is a young man here to see you. He is downstairs.”  
  
Confused, Ryan immediately shared a look with his mom.  
  
“Él tiene algo para su hijo,” she smirked knowingly.  
  
Ryan’s mom smiled. “Gracias, Emelda. Él estará allí pronto.”  
  
Once his door was closed, Ryan immediately frowned. “Mom.”  
  
“You can go talk to him,” she said, standing and picking up his tray as she walked to the door.  
  
“I’ve talked to him. I don’t want to see him.”  
  
“It might clear things up and make you feel better. Especially if you tell him how you feel.”  
  
Ryan pouted long and hard, but slid from his bed. He checked his rumpled hair in the mirror and combed it down with his fingers, then smoothed his shirt and wished for the strength to do this before he ventured out of his room.  
  
He stopped when he saw who was sitting in his living room, not ever expecting to see him within a mile of his house. Ryan crossed his arms as he stood in the doorway, _really_ not wanting to see _him_. “What are you doing here?”  
  
Uncertainly, Troy pushed himself off his chair. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” he said and waited for Ryan to respond, but only received a glare. “He never wanted to be with Taylor. He doesn’t love her.”  
  
Ryan narrowed his eyes. “Is this funny to you? That I care about him? Is that why you’ve changed your mind? Because you want to see me get crushed again?”  
  
Troy frowned and actually looked offended. “No!”  
  
“Well, good. Because I’m not doing it anymore.”  
  
Troy stared. “I thought you liked him”  
  
“No, you didn’t. You thought I liked Gabriella,” Ryan retorted and threw his hands to his sides in frustration. “And it doesn’t matter anyway. So, _what_ do you want?”  
  
Troy glanced around uncertainly. “I was trying to apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  
  
Ryan was quiet, but then repeatedly shook his head before he said coldly, “You don’t get to come here and give me cheap words just so you can go back to everyone and come off as the good guy. It doesn’t change that he... It doesn’t change anything.”  
  
“If you won’t accept my apology, that’s fine,” Troy snipped, slicing a hand through the air. “But will you _listen_ to what I’m saying?”  
  
“Why the hell would I! The last time you wanted to chat, you told me the best friend I’ve ever had doesn’t love me. And to stay away from him!”  
  
“And I’m sorry!” Troy insisted defensively. “I was wrong. I just saw how angry and stressed he was. I thought it was because of you.”  
  
Ryan calculatingly tipped his head. “Because, of course, I had an evil plot to destroy him.”  
  
“Okay, I didn’t like you! And I didn’t trust you.” Troy sighed and said in a milder tone, “He’s my best friend, too.”  
  
Ryan crossed his arms again. “Well, I don’t like you either. And I’m done with this. With you and him and all of it.”  
  
“You’re quitting?”  
  
“I can’t compete with you! In anything! You will _always_ win. So, here! I give up. You have Chad. And Gabriella. I forfeit. You win. So just _go!_ ”  
  
Frowning, Troy looked down and walked past Ryan, but then turned back. “I thought you cared about him.”  
  
“I _don’t_ care about whatever drama you’ve created this time. I’m done with all of it! And you know what the best part about having money is?” he asked as he breezed by Troy and started for the stairs. “I don’t have to see you or anyone else at that school. Ever. Again.”  
  
Troy blinked and looked at him the same way Ryan had seen Troy look at Sharpay. “So, you don’t get your way and you cut everyone out of your life because you can’t deal?”  
  
Ryan swallowed hard and slowly said, “What the hell am I supposed to do? You were the one who told me to leave him alone. I can’t... How would you feel if I told you Gabriella doesn’t love you? If I told you she never could and that you should cut her out of your life?”  
  
Sadly, Troy sighed. “I told you I’m sorry. But if you would pay attention, you’d get that I’m trying to make it up to you.”  
  
Ryan subtly rolled his eyes, hand poised on the railing to the stairs.  
  
“Ryan!” Troy called from the doorway. Reaching into his pocket, he shoved a cellphone at Ryan. “If you won’t listen to me, then listen to… someone who loves you.”  
  
Ryan’s eyebrows wrinkled as he cradled his phone in his palm. When he asked Sharpay to take it far away, she _really_ took it far away.  He pointed to the front door and stalked up the stairs, hoping Troy would just leave on his own.  
  
Maybe if Chad loved him it would have worked that way.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Once school was over, Chad threw his textbooks one at a time, listening to the loud, satisfying thunk as they fell heavily into his locker. Considering how brilliant practice was last night, he was not so keen on going. But Coach would totally have his head.  
  
He frowned hard as the last book hit the bottom of his locker and he was left with nothing else to throw. He wouldn’t forgive him if he were Ryan. There was no reason Ryan should.  
  
All of a sudden, there was a blur of turquoise glitter and he found Sharpay standing near his locker with her back to him.  
  
She turned her head and whispered conspiratorially, “Do you have a ride home?”  
  
He raised an eyebrow. “Troy. Usually.”  
  
“My rehearsal is over about the same time as your practice,” she said then turned and briefly made eye contact. “If you wanted to hitch a ride to my house.”  
  
Slowly, Chad grinned. “That’d be… what do you say? Fabulous?”  
  
She rolled her eyes. “Danforth, you’re even gayer than I thought.”  
  
He smirked as he watched her step around him and walk away, then grabbed his bag and headed for the gym.  
  
~*~*~  
  
After telling Troy at the end of practice that he didn’t need a ride and accidentally mentioning _why_ he didn’t need a ride, Chad cringed as he saw Zeke’s happy demeanor crumble.  
  
He turned to him apologetically as they left the locker room. “You know I’d put in a good word for you if I could, man,” Chad said, slapping Zeke’s shoulder.  
  
Zeke nodded a little and then rummaged in his bag and pulled out a large plastic container. “Would you give these to her? They’re her favorites.”  
  
Chad started to reach out but then pointed behind Zeke to the figure swathed in sparkly turquoise.  
  
Zeke spun and saw Sharpay standing at the end of the hallway with her arms crossed. His fingers tightened on the container, but he slowly walked toward her.  
  
Chad followed but at a distance.  
  
She turned deliberately and addressed Chad, “Are you ready yet? I want to leave.”  
  
“Sharpay?” Zeke started cautiously. “I’m sorry I upset you. I made these for you. I want you to have them.”  
  
She looked down as he placed the container in her hands and stared at it for a moment. Glancing at Chad, she studied him before turning to Zeke.  
  
“I don’t want your cookies,” she stated firmly, holding them out.  
  
Zeke bent his head and looked away, absolutely crushed, then turned to leave.  
  
“No! I mean!” she shrieked and shoved the container into Chad’s hands, taking hold of Zeke’s arms. She exhaled and clenched her fingers in his sleeves. “I don’t need your cookies. You don’t have to…”  She huffed frustrated and annoyed. “I just want you. Okay? I love you.”  
  
Zeke stared at her, unable to respond, and she bit her lip hard and looked down.  
  
The instant he got over his shock, he leaned down and squished her in his arms, lifting her off the ground. She clung to him and grinned brightly as he kissed all over her face.  
  
Chad rolled his eyes.  
  
After a good minute or so, he stepped a little closer and elbowed Zeke. “Guys? I’m happy for you. I feel for you. Really. But can you at least save it until we’re at your house? Or in the car? I’ll drive you home.”  
  
Sharpay stopped kissing Zeke long enough to say, “You are _not_ driving my car.”  
  
Chad smirked and refrained from telling her how many times Ryan had let him do just that. Impatiently, he ushered them out of the school and couldn’t help smiling at Zeke’s giddily stupid grin.  
  



	20. Wipe Away Your Inhibitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan reflects on his conversation with Troy. Sharpay, Zeke, and Chad pay him a visit.

  
  
Ryan closed the door to his room and flattened his palms against it, willing the barrier to keep everything out. Especially stupid, meddling jocks who thought the entire world revolved around them. Though Ryan wouldn’t have been surprised if everything _did_ live and die by Troy Bolton. East High did, why not the rest of the world?  
  
Groaning a sigh, Ryan turned and sank to the floor and slumped against his door. What on earth made Troy think that he could come here, to Ryan’s home, and insist things about other people’s feelings that were clearly, obviously, unmistakably untrue, and then accuse Ryan of running away _and_ not caring about Chad, and who the hell did Troy think he was?   
  
Though Ryan did have to hand it to the guy – Troy knew just what he was doing. The moment Ryan decided to move on, Troy showed up and changed his story, declaring Chad did like Ryan. Even if he never actually said that. Because it wasn’t true. Couldn’t be true. But Troy could say enough to make Ryan think and hope and wish and it was so going to hurt worse the second time around. Except it wouldn’t. Because Ryan wouldn’t fall for it again.   
  
It was stupid in the first place.   
  
He fell for a straight guy who didn’t return his affections and so Ryan just had to forget it and move on. That’s all it was. The whole thing should be simple. Ryan wanted to get over it. He just wanted to let it die, but no one was letting him.  
  
Why was everyone determined to keep bringing it up? His mom wanted him to talk about it and express his feelings. Gabriella wanted to know why nothing had happened with Ryan and her best friend’s boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever they were now. Troy Bolton had to show up and stalk Ryan at his house. Even Sharpay had started apologizing for interfering.  
  
And of course Chad had tried to call him and send him messages even after he’d agreed to give Ryan space.   
  
How was Ryan supposed to get over it when everyone kept fixating on it?  
  
But really, it wasn’t their fault. Ryan’s friends liked to dwell on things. They liked to get sucked into all of it and wouldn’t let go until they’d re-forged some kind of all for one togetherness. Which was stupid because they really weren’t. They didn’t know and they weren’t the same and maybe Ryan should stop pretending like he fit in. Shar was the only one at East High who he needed. She was the only friend Ryan should have.   
  
Ryan swallowed his heart back in his chest because denial fucking hurt.   
  
As much as he wanted to be angry at everyone, he could only blame himself. If he hadn’t let himself feel things, if he hadn’t indulged the foolish crush, then Ryan would still have his best friend. There were reasons people always wondered if straight men and women could ever be just friends. Love and sex and just screwed everything up.  
  
Ryan just needed space. It would clear his head. Make everything a blank slate. Especially his heart. Ryan couldn’t think when he was feeling so much. He needed a blank heart and a blank mind and for everything to stop.  
  
Sighing heavily, Ryan looked down at the cellphone in his palm. No matter what he did, he missed Chad.  
  
It would be easy to call Chad. Talk with him, connect with him. Maybe ask what on earth he thought Ryan should do.   
  
Maybe actually getting the rejection would finally let him move on in a providing closure kind of way.   
  
Ryan couldn’t help feeling nauseous at the thought, but maybe that was what had to happen. Chad hadn’t technically ever said he didn’t want Ryan and maybe once Ryan heard it, felt it, whatever. Maybe then it would really end.   
  
With a slightly shaky hand, Ryan set his phone on the carpet and stared at it. He wanted it to end. Really, he did. He just also didn’t want to pick up his cellphone and force it to happen.   
  
It was so beyond pathetic.   
  
Biting his lip hard, Ryan sighed, grabbed the cell, and opened it. His thumb hovered over the buttons before he noticed the unopened envelope and quickly decided to check his messages to stall a little.   
  
Ryan stared at the words after he’d read them.   
  
And once the automatic lights turned off in the phone, he pressed a few buttons and stared at it some more.   
  
  
_damnit ry. answer me!! i don’t love taylor. shes not you_  
  
  
Slowly, Ryan closed his phone and held it between his palms.   
  
He didn’t think or feel or breathe. He simply held the cellphone.   
  
What the hell did that even mean? And why would Chad do that? Ryan wouldn’t put it above Troy, but Chad? Ryan trusted Chad. He knew Chad. Didn’t he?   
  
Chad wasn’t the kind of person who would make promises like that just to humiliate someone. Was he?  
  
Ryan didn’t even know anymore.   
  
Maybe it had all been a lie. Maybe it was all a scheme. Maybe it was to get back at Ryan for something he’d done. Or something he was.   
  
Maybe their entire relationship, friendship, whatever was all a game. Chad and Troy were jocks. They liked playing games. Ryan was stupid to fall for it.   
  
Maybe he didn’t need an actual rejection to get over it after all.   
  
Unsteadily, Ryan pushed himself to his feet and walked into his closet. Maybe the attraction was undeniable. Inevitable. Maybe it was always going to happen this way and Ryan should be grateful it lasted as long as it did. There had been lots of good times with just him and Chad. Even if they were a lie, it was good at the time. He’d been happy.   
  
Ryan swallowed hard, forcing away ache that accompanied that thought.   
  
Chad was _not_ the only guy in the world.  
  
From a shelf in the very back, he pulled out two shirts and stared at them. The bright yellow letters on the orange shirt looked back at him cheerfully, and Ryan could feel the soft number eight under his fingers without even looking at the red and white jersey.   
  
Quietly, Ryan stepped out of his closet and set the shirts near his messenger bag, ready to return them.   
  
~*~*~  
  
For the millionth time, Sharpay’s car came to a stop and she turned a bright, devious grin on Zeke, grabbing the front of his sweatshirt and pulling him into a long, wet kiss.   
  
Chad rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You know,” he said loudly. “We might actually get there sometime today if you didn’t stop to make out every five seconds.”  
  
“Shhh,” Zeke said between kisses.  
  
Chad blinked. “You did _not_ just shush me.”  
  
With a wicked giggle, Sharpay kissed the underside of Zeke’s jaw and turned back to driving, but left her right hand on Zeke’s thigh. “So, Romeo, what’s your brilliant plan?”  
  
“Romeo?”  
  
“Would you prefer Seaweed? Rescuing the fair maiden?”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes again. “Whatever. I’m just going to tell him everything.”  
  
“What if he won’t listen?”  
  
“He will,” Chad insisted as Sharpay slowed the car and stopped at another light. “And if he doesn’t, I’ll stalk him until he does. There’s nothing he could say that would stop me.” Chad huffed as Sharpay and Zeke kissed again and continued, “But once he knows I don’t want Taylor, it should be fine.”  
  
After nuzzling her nose against Zeke’s, Sharpay went back to the wheel and started on the last leg of their trip. “Just as long as you can get him to sing again. We really can’t replace him in the winter musical.”  
  
Chad thought for a second. “He wouldn’t just give that up. Right?”  
  
Sharpay shrugged and said matter-of-factly, “His mind isn’t on the play. And he gives up easily. Which usually works to my advantage, but it wouldn’t so much in yours.”  
  
Frowning, Chad slumped in the backseat and crossed his arms.  
  
Zeke glanced at him and then stroked a long lock of Sharpay’s hair. “Sugar? Never become a motivational speaker.”  
  
Sharpay cackled and kissed her fingertips, touching them to Zeke’s forearm.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan took a deep breath and focused on exhaling, letting his thoughts disappear. He could feel his muscles stretch and relax as he willed tension away.   
  
He changed positions with languid, graceful movements and ignored anything that came to mind except the sound of his breath. None of it mattered. It was all cast aside. Erased and forgotten.   
  
He imagined a heart breaking and draining, then gluing itself back together even though it was empty. Empty was okay. It wasn’t heavy or aching. So, it worked.   
  
Sighing and refocusing, Ryan stretched into a different position, hoping for an open, empty heart.   
  
He heard the sound of his door opening, but kept his eyes closed, choosing to ignore it.   
  
“Ryan,” his sister said excitedly. She snapped her fingers and from the proximity, it sounded like it was in front of his face. “Ryan!”  
  
Ryan lifted his arm and brought one finger to his lips.   
  
“I will not quiet!” she retorted, lightly shaking his shoulder. “We brought you something.”  
  
Ryan took a deep breath, tuning her out, but heard her huff and pictured her crossing her arms.   
  
“Mom does this, too,” she said with slight annoyance.   
  
“What’s he doing?” Zeke’s voice asked.  
  
Sharpay was quiet for a moment and then answered, “Being a fish.”  
  
“Maybe we shouldn’t interrupt,” he suggested.  
  
“Maybe you two should leave so I can talk to him,” Chad said.  
  
Ryan immediately opened his eyes.   
  
Sharpay smirked. “There. See? We brought you a present.”  
  
Uncurling his body, Ryan moved to a sitting position and glanced at the three people standing around him. His eyes lingered on Chad and he had to swallow hard.   
  
Chad motioned to Sharpay for her and Zeke to make an exit.   
  
“Oh, no chance,” she said. “I want to make sure you do this right.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes and knelt beside Ryan. “I’m not in love with Taylor,” he asserted as if he wanted to get it out there immediately. “I never wanted to be with her. We broke up and we both wanted to. Troy had it all wrong.”  
  
“I was right!” Zeke added with a proud smile. “I knew you were the one he loved.”  
  
“Zeke! Shhh!” Chad scolded and then smirked before he turned back to Ryan. “Troy didn’t know what he was saying. He thought I was talking about her when I was telling him about you.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sharpay chuckled. “You should hear him talk about you. He _gushes_.”  
  
Chad blushed fiercely. “I just… wanted you to know.” He ventured a touch to Ryan’s knee. “I’m sorry you got hurt.”  
  
Ryan blinked and his gaze fell to the hand on his knee.   
  
“I can imagine what you must have thought,” Chad said quietly. “I’m really sorry.”  
  
Slowly, Ryan looked up and searched Chad’s eyes. He had no idea how Chad had gotten Sharpay on his side or why she would go along with it. Why was Chad even here? He wouldn’t call a truce with Sharpay just to mess with Ryan’s head.  That seemed more than a little extreme.   
  
After a moment, Ryan took a deep breath and stretched his legs so he could stand. “Okay,” he said and started to pick up the few things out of place in his room, busying himself with cleaning.   
  
“Okay?” Sharpay asked. “That’s all? Just ‘okay’?”  
  
Ryan turned back toward her and curiously tipped his head. “What did you want me to say?”  
  
“Well… _something_! Don’t you care?”   
  
Ryan swallowed and quietly told her, “I can’t.”  
  
Sharpay turned and shared looks with Chad and Zeke.    
  
“What do you mean you can’t?” Chad asked.  
  
“This is what you wanted!” Sharpay interjected. “This!” she made wild waving motions in Chad’s direction. “Is who you’ve been pining for since _forever_!”  
  
Ryan tucked his hands in his pants pockets.  
  
“You always gushed about how wonderful he is and how much you love him and want him!”  
  
Self-consciously, Ryan glanced at Chad who stared back, waiting for Ryan’s response.  “Actually,” he countered. “I always said that it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t have a crush.”  
  
“Yes, but you were in fucking denial!” she snapped. “And _obviously_ delusional.”  
  
Ryan sighed and started to turn away, but stopped and met her eyes. “I wasn’t delusional. I was trying not to fall in love with him. Because I wanted his friendship. Because I’ve never had that. Because he honestly didn’t care that I was gay and didn’t think of me as just the flame-y, drama boy.” Pausing for a calming breath, Ryan looked down. “And I needed that.”  
  
Sharpay glared at him quietly, giving Ryan a chance to focus on Chad.   
  
Even if Chad had tricked him, there wasn’t anything Ryan could do. He’d fallen for it. Wholeheartedly.   
  
Ryan stared into the warm brown eyes, finding them filled with worried sadness. He had to believe Chad wouldn’t hurt him like that.   
  
He couldn’t think of another reason to explain everything, but Chad wouldn’t purposefully hurt him.   
  
Softly, Ryan admitted, “I know it was stupid. I know I shouldn’t have and I know I screwed everything up. I really tried not to.” Biting his lip, Ryan sighed. “I’m sorry, too.”  
  
Chad pushed himself up, grabbed Zeke’s arm, and ushered him and Sharpay to the door. “Here,” he said, giving them an encouraging smile and a firm push. “Go get laid.”  
  
Sharpay started to retort, but Chad closed and locked the door before she got a word out.   
  
Ryan breathed deeply and wrapped his arms across his chest. “You’re encouraging that?”  
  
Chad smirked and turned toward him. “For now.”  
  
Ryan gave him a half-smile and then stared down at his bare feet until Chad’s shoes came into view. Lifting his head, Ryan tried as hard as he could to ignore how Chad was close enough to touch.   
  
“Evans…” Chad started in a soft voice.   
  
Ryan met Chad’s eyes and waited for him to continue.   
  
Raising his hand, Chad stroked his thumb across Ryan’s cheek and whispered, “Ryan.”  
  
Ryan’s eyes fluttered closed as he reveled in the simple gesture. He felt Chad’s fingertips brush against his neck and tilt his chin up, and then Ryan couldn’t breathe even if he’d wanted to.   
  
Chad’s mouth pressed soft and full against his, and made Ryan’s chest tighten. It was warm and unwavering and even better than he’d remembered.   
  
And Ryan couldn’t help kissing back. He grasped Chad’s arms because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay standing if he wasn’t holding on.   
  
Chad moved his lips and kissed him shorter and quicker, one hand curling insistently around the back of Ryan’s neck, the other settling in the collar of Ryan’s sweatshirt, stroking against his skin. Chad’s tongue flicked lightly across Ryan’s lower lip and Ryan dizzily opened his mouth. He could taste Chad’s lips and tongue and he’d never been kissed so deeply and thoroughly by anyone.   
  
And Ryan wanted more than anything for it to never end. But his heart twisted painfully until Ryan had to stop.   
  
He broke away, shakily working to breathe as he rested his forehead on Chad’s shoulder. Chad shifted and kissed Ryan’s cheek several times.   
  
Biting his lip, Ryan lifted his head. Chad leaned toward him, likely for another kiss, but Ryan made a tiny movement and turned his head away, placing a hand in the center of Chad’s chest.   
  
Chad stared at him with concern as Ryan tried to figure out what on earth he should do now. He pressed his own lips together, attempting to feel something other than Chad’s mouth on his. After taking a few deep breaths, Ryan searched Chad’s face and then swallowed hard. “Why,” he started quietly. “Why are you kissing me?”  
  
Chad’s eyebrows furrowed, but he smiled brightly. “I wanted to.”  
  
“Oh,” Ryan said as he looked away and tried to figure out what that meant. Why would Chad want to kiss him? Did he… want things? Could Ryan give him those things with how much he felt? The idea made his chest hurt, but maybe he could get over that. But he was supposed to be moving on. Because he needed time and space, and Chad knew that.  
  
“Why did you think I kissed you?” Chad asked.   
  
“I didn’t know. I still don’t know.” Chad’s smile faded and Ryan felt compelled to continue. “When Troy came here, I thought he was trying to trick me. When he said you didn’t love her, I thought it was to hurt me again.”  
  
Warily, Chad tipped his head. “Troy was here?”  
  
Ryan nodded and dug into his sweatshirt pocket, pulling out his cellphone. “He brought my phone. And said he was wrong.”   
  
Chad stared at the phone and then met Ryan’s eyes. “You got my message.” Ryan nodded again. “You thought I was trying to trick you,” Chad stated. “You think I’d do that?”  
  
“No,” Ryan answered immediately. “I didn’t. But. I don’t know. I have no idea what you want. Or why anything happened.”  
  
“You didn’t think that maybe I meant what I said?”  
  
Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but realized he had no idea how to respond. Bending his head, he crossed his arms over his chest and had never felt so exceedingly guilty.   
  
In a hurt voice, Chad asked, “Why didn’t you believe me?”  
  
“I didn’t know what you meant,” Ryan said and bit his lip. “I couldn’t… I didn’t want to get my hopes up.” He looked up at Chad, hoping as hard as he could for forgiveness. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Chad looked at him with warm softness, then stepped forward and wrapped Ryan securely in his arms.   
  
Ryan let out a breath he’d been holding and clenched his hands in the back of Chad’s sweatshirt, burying his face in Chad’s shoulder.  
  
Chad hugged him tightly and then nuzzled his face near Ryan’s ear as he whispered words in a melody, “ _Now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come_.”  
  
Ryan froze and lifted his head. “You know that song.”  
  
Grinning, Chad nodded and touched his nose to Ryan’s.   
  
Ryan stared for a minute and then slid his hands to Chad’s face, kissing him with all he was worth.


	21. Just Getting Started

  
  
Chad’s arms immediately tightened around Ryan, squeezing him so close both of them could hardly breathe. Warmth flooded through Chad, made his head swim, made him feel like his heart had burst and overflowed with warmth and elation and all because Ryan was kissing him.  
  
 _Ryan_ was kissing him.   
  
And Chad most definitely kissed him back.   
  
When Ryan finally broke away, he let out a trembly breath and slid his hands down Chad’s shoulders. He rested his forehead against Chad’s, slowly regaining composure before he asked gently, “Was that okay?”  
  
Chad grinned brightly. “No. It was _awesome_.”  
  
Ryan blushed. “I meant that I did that.”  
  
Chad tipped his head and kissed Ryan’s jaw. “Am I complaining?” he laughed, holding Ryan tightly to him.   
  
Slowly, Ryan smiled and shook his head.   
  
Shifting to look at him, Chad searched Ryan’s eyes then leaned forward and kissed him slowly. When he pulled away, he stared as Ryan kept his eyes closed and only opened them after a good several seconds. Then rewarded Chad with a woozy smile.   
  
Chad’s heart fluttered. And he had to kiss Ryan again, quickly this time, but hard so he could still feel it seconds later.   
  
Catching his breath, Ryan sighed. “You make me dizzy.”  
  
Chad stroked his hands over Ryan’s back and let them settle on slender hips. “You make me always want to kiss you.”  
  
Ryan bit his lip to stifle a smile then sighed. He toyed with the sweatshirt strings dangling over Chad’s chest before he lightly rested his palm over Chad’s heart. After only a second, Ryan self-consciously pulled away.  
  
Chad caught Ryan’s wrist and returned Ryan’s hand to where it had been, holding it in place.  
  
Ryan stared at their hands before meeting Chad’s eyes.  
  
Chad squeezed the hand beneath his. “I mean it.”  
  
“I believe you,” Ryan promised quietly.   
  
Chad raised an eyebrow.   
  
“I do! It’s just...” Ryan trailed off and couldn’t think of a way to finish his thought.   
  
With a deep breath, Chad cupped Ryan’s face in his hands. “I love you,” he whispered thickly. “I’m _so_ in love with you. And I’ve probably said it to everyone else. I don’t know why I shouldn’t say it to you.”  
  
Ryan stared for a moment, slowly blinking. “I keep waiting to wake up and for you to not be here. But you keep being here.”  
  
Chad laughed and promised, “I’m not going anywhere.” He slid his hand down and lightly pinched Ryan’s arm for emphasis.   
  
Grinning, Ryan twisted away, his smile easier this time as he rested both hands on Chad’s chest, curling a finger in the collar of Chad’s sweatshirt. “When did you...?”  
  
“The night you stayed with me,” Chad answered simply.   
  
Impishly, Ryan tipped his head. “Because you got me in your bed?”  
  
Chad snickered giddily because _that_ was his Ryan. “Because you were asleep when I came back. And you were wearing my clothes.” Chad clenched his fingers in Ryan’s shirt and confessed, “And I wanted that. You with me. You always there with me.”   
  
He swallowed hard, remembering that night, that feeling. “When you said no one had loved you, all I wanted to do was tell you that you were wrong. Because it’s so much it hurts. And it’s heavy and overflowing and warm and strong. And a grand slam first time out of the box.”  
  
Blushing, Ryan gave him a sheepish smile. “In my defense, I was really tired when I said that.”  
  
“Nah, it was pretty accurate,” Chad laughed and then added sincerely, “That was why I kissed you. Because I figured it out and I couldn’t not kiss you.”   
  
Ryan bent his head, leaning closer for a second before he abruptly looked up. “I meant you,” he announced quickly. “When I said those things. I was talking about you.”   
  
Chad almost laughed, but squeezed Ryan to him instead. “Good. I’d get really jealous otherwise.”  
  
Ryan snickered and gave him a bright, glowy smile that made Chad’s heart leap. “No reason to be.”  
  
Chad couldn’t help grinning a little smugly. “Then I can kiss you again?”  
  
Deviously, Ryan shook his head but then pulled Chad into a deep, wet kiss.   
  
Chad felt an overflowing rush of heat and practically swooned, savoring the taste of Ryan’s mouth, the feel of him pressed close.  
  
After a moment, Ryan slowed his frantic pace, drawing out his kisses and letting his lips linger instead. When he finally brought him self to stop, he bent his forehead to Chad’s and stroked the sides of Chad’s face. “What now?”  
  
With a smirk, Chad pulled away, toed off his shoes, and flopped onto the bed in a seductive pose.   
  
Ryan’s eyes widened and then trailed slowly over Chad before purposely and quickly looking away.   
  
Chad laughed. “I’m kidding! A little. Anyway. C’mere,” he said and thumped the space beside him.  
  
Ryan chewed on his lower lip and gave Chad a slightly uncertain look, but crawled up his bed against any better judgment he might have had and lay down on his side, tucking one hand under his head.   
  
Chad inched toward him a little and nudged a socked foot between Ryan’s bare ones.   
  
Ryan reached out and lightly rested a hand low on Chad’s side. For a long moment, he stared thoughtfully at a space somewhere in the center of Chad’s chest.   
  
Chad watched him and wondered what he was thinking. Figuring he should say something, he stated, “Your sister’s worried you won’t sing anymore.”   
  
Blue eyes gazed at him curiously. “Why?”  
  
“Because you haven’t been singing.”  
  
Ryan shrugged, glancing back down. “Haven’t felt like it.”  
  
Chad bit his lip, wanting to make Ryan feel like it. He slid his leg a little higher, a little further between Ryan’s, but stopped, suddenly worried. “I really was kidding,” Chad said impulsively.  
  
Ryan instantly looked up.   
  
“I mean about the bed,” he clarified. “I wasn’t. I just wanted...”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow, clearly trying not to smirk.  
  
“Shut up. I wasn’t being presumptuous. I wanted to be close to you. We don’t have to _do_ anything.”  
  
With a leisurely grin, Ryan slid his hand out from under his head and slipped it under Chad’s, weaving his fingers into Chad’s hair.   
  
Chad breathed slowly, longing curling low in his stomach as those fingers tightened possessively. “So, have you forgotten everything about singing and dancing and heinous musicals?” he teased.  
  
Softly, Ryan gazed at him. “Were you asking me to sing?”   
  
“Sure,” Chad said and swallowed hard, trying not to drown in those eyes.   
  
Ryan thought distantly, twisting one hand in Chad’s sweatshirt.   
  
Of course Ryan had to pick _now_ to forget every song in his head. Attempting to wait patiently, Chad nudged his leg further and pulled himself closer. A few of Ryan’s fingers slipped past the hem of the sweatshirt and brushed against warm skin.   
  
Chad inhaled sharply.   
  
Ryan looked at him, slightly surprised. “Sorry. It’s been a long time.”  
  
“You don’t have to sing,” Chad said, knowing his voice sounded breathy and lower than normal.   
  
Ryan grinned and deliberately rubbed his fingers beneath Chad’s sweatshirt.   
  
Chad glared but arched into Ryan’s touch then ran a finger down Ryan’s throat.  
  
For a second, Ryan’s eyes fluttered closed.   
  
“Well?” Chad goaded eagerly.  
  
Ryan stared at him with dark eyes and Chad could feel the rushed heartbeat under his fingertips. Slowly, Ryan licked his lips and took a breath, “ _Don’t go wasting your emotion. Lay all your love on me._ ”  
  
Ryan gave him a familiar, challenging smile and Chad’s heart skipped. He’d never argue with that.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Wednesday morning, Chad sauntered into homeroom with a cocky, syrupy grin.   
  
After setting a sweatshirt on the desk next to his, he adjusted his jacket collar and took his seat, stretching out and twining his fingers behind his head.  
  
Zeke snorted. “You look like you got laid.”  
  
Smirking, Chad turned and took in Zeke’s hazy, dreamy smile. “So do you.”  
  
Blush crept over Zeke’s face as he grinned. “Well, I did.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes and smoothed the sleeve of his newly acquired jacket, then motioned toward the door with a nod.   
  
Zeke immediately sat up straight as Sharpay flounced into the room. In one graceful movement, she crossed her legs as she hopped onto Zeke’s desk, took his face in her hands, and kissed him soundly.   
  
As Zeke practically melted out of his seat and onto the floor, Chad shook his head. Hopeless. His poor friend was hopeless. But then Ryan appeared in the doorway, a few steps behind his sister, and Chad forgot all about Zeke and Sharpay and the rest of the world.   
  
Ryan smiled at him, slow and sweet and brighter than anything, and then quietly walked to his desk. Chad tipped his head and watched as Ryan stood beside it for a moment.  
  
Other students filed into class, Zeke and Sharpay kept kissing, but Chad held his breath and barely noticed.   
  
Tenderly, Ryan picked up the zippered blue hoodie. His fingers curled in the material as he looked over at Chad.   
  
Chad held Ryan’s gaze, until Ryan’s eyes flitted over to his sister then back down to the sweatshirt. He looked pointedly at Chad as he slid the sweatshirt on, pulling it tightly around him.   
  
Chad smiled and folded his arms so his hands were resting on the jacket he was wearing.   
  
Just before the bell, Sharpay detangled herself and settled at her desk, examining her makeup in a hand mirror before she stopped abruptly. With a hard nudge, she claimed Ryan’s attention. “Isn’t that yours?” she said, pointing.  
  
Ryan glanced at Chad and then smirked. “The man or the jacket?”   
  
Sharpay rolled her eyes. “ _What_ are you wearing?”   
  
“Why?”  
  
“ _Why_? It doesn’t match! That’s why! And it clashes horribly.”  
  
“I don’t care,” Ryan said simply, beaming so vibrantly that Chad couldn’t help giddily staring at him.   
  
Sharpay blinked and then turned around in her seat, nose up in the air. “I don’t know you.”  
  
Chad laughed when Ryan rolled his eyes. Grinning, Ryan leaned forward in his seat. “If I go get you lunch today, will you know me again?”  
  
Sharpay turned around and eyed her brother suspiciously. “Maybe.”  
  
With a winning smile, Ryan tipped his head toward Chad, “You wanna have lunch?”  
  
“Would that mean skipping history?” Chad asked, leaning over in his chair.  
  
Ryan opened his mouth, but stopped as Gabriella walked past. “No, I would never do that.”  
  
Chad rolled his eyes. “Sure, Evans. Whatever you say.”  
  
“I love when you say that.”  
  
Sharpay raised an unamused eyebrow at them. “I’m sure and ewww.”  
  
Chad might have responded, but Ryan laughed and all Chad could do was give him a ridiculous grin.   
  
“So,” Ryan asked coyly. “Lunch?”  
  
Chad felt warmth pouring from his chest and smiled. “You don’t have to ask twice.”


End file.
